YOLO is everything, everything is YOLO

by LesleyG on June 12, 2013

I was talking with a friend the other day and she told me that she is afraid almost all the time. Not paranoid, but afraid. Afraid of being a good wife/mother/friend/driver/worker/everything. And though fear isn’t my constant companion (assuredly my frequent companion, however), I understood. I think many of us are afraid all the time.

For me, I am more doubtful all the time. I doubt what I can do, I doubt who likes me, I doubt what I deserve. I wrestle with it, almost always. Since I’ve had lots of practice, I often win over the doubt, but it is a life-long habit and it may take at least the rest of my life to completely extinguish it. Practice is as much as I can do. But I think many of us are doubting ourselves all the time.

We are doing a lot of things to ourselves all the time. We’re feeling a lot of our feelings ALL THE TIME. We are feeling less-than for our feelings, all the time. We are feeling not quite right, all the time. And we’re letting that tell us what our value is.

This is the part I catch upon. The idea that achieving a goal, or having more money, or possessions, or perfecting a yoga pose, or getting a PR in a race, or marrying someone, or mothering someone, or falling in love, even, is what makes you worth your life. The truth I know with absolute certainty is that none of that makes you worthy. You are worthy because you are. You are just as miraculous on the days you try as on the days you do not try.

We are surrounded by the idea of “YOLO” right now, aren’t we? Work hard, play hard. Do Tough Mudders and CrossFit and get promotions and live like you’re dying, damn it. And this is such a tricky balance, because there are things I believe have saved my life. I believe I ran marathons at a time when I very much needed that in my life. I believe yoga saved my body, and my knees that would no longer bend properly at the age of 27. I get it. I get we need these challenges and, sometimes, distractions. They mean something.

They also don’t mean anything when it comes to how we value ourselves. One of my biggest dreams is to help people say “I am ____, and I run marathons and make my own cheese, and always drive the speed limit, but I am not defined by this. These things my body and mind do are just my story, they are not my value.” Because it is SO easy when we have had a great day or year to say we are great. And it is SO MUCH EASIER to tell ourselves we are not great when we’ve had terrible days and years.

Simply put, you are worth every wonderful and beautiful thing. You are not less because of a lack of wonderful and beautiful things. You are a miracle because you are. That is all.

So, yeah, doing ten one-armed push-ups is a beautiful thing. “Killing it” at the office is a beautiful thing. Sometimes I feel like the days I decide to get an iced coffee and sit with my grandmother for two hours while she talks about selling Avon for 40 years is pretty dang YOLO. YOLO it up, y’all. But YOU are the actual beautiful thing. And you’re just as great on the days you stay in bed, or reach out for help, or sigh a lot. Because you are human and breathing and HERE. I love that about you. I love that about me. We are meant to be.

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If we could meet for coffee…

by LesleyG on June 5, 2013

…right now, I’d probably have to mention how exhausted I am. I am kind of stuck in the cycle of doing more for others than for myself. It is my own doing, I know, but we tend to kill ourselves with the things we love, right?

If we were having coffee together I’d tell you about my nearly 87-year-old grandmother, and how she’s been lately. Which is to say she was in the hospital for a short time, but is now doing much better. She is basically back to her old self, thankfully, but it’s been a long week. I have been helping a lot, and while I wouldn’t have it any other way I still feel drained. I worry more, and I find myself waking in the middle of the night worrying about her.

Between that and a couple other commitments I feel drained. I feel a little empty, a little pointless, even as all I’m doing is giving. In spite of the friends and the love and the yoga and the praying, I feel empty.

And so I’d tell you, if you didn’t tell me first, that I have to find a different way to fill up. I’m planning that. I’m going to get away at the end of the week, even if just for a day. By myself. For myself. I don’t know where I’m going to go, but I’m just going to sit somewhere and listen and feel until I know that I deserve good things again. Because when you’re giving everything away, it’s hard to feel like you have any other purpose. That you would be enough even if you weren’t emptying out for everyone else.

And if we were having coffee I’d have to talk myself over and over again into the fact that I don’t have to feel guilty for sharing all this. Sometimes I feel like I have too many feelings, too many struggles, even for my closest friends. I’d have to tell you how I see the look on some people’s faces when I start talking about something I’m going through and I immediately regret it. I’m not great with discerning who wants to hear what, or who’s open at the time. As someone who is always willing, I forget sometimes others may not be.

Or I’m just in a place I am ready to move on from, because even I am tired of this story. Over our coffee I’d try to tell you, probably in too many words, how ready I am for change. How I feel like I’ve run into so many walls and am just over the idea of repeating that. But at the same time I know part of it is that I don’t fully feel worthy. I feel 100% worthy of having the dream, but do I feel 100% worthy of actually living it? That is what I’m aiming for.

That’s why I’m setting aside some time this week to be alone. To do nothing but be with myself until I know what that feels like, to honestly feel like I deserve what I want. And to not feel guilty for letting go of other things to get that.

I’m going to fill back up again. Just like the coffee.

Thanks for meeting me, even though its late.

{ 4 comments }

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