Two Brains

by LesleyG on November 5, 2013

There are some people that are rarely impacted by the passing of time. I mean, in the way that you might say wow, where did that month go? I am sure there are those people. I don’t think I know any of them, but still, they are around. They look at their calendar a week before the new month and plan out goals and then get them all done. Or they go through each season with ease, as if there is nothing sad about leaves falling off trees. I know you people exist. I also know I’m not one of you.

I look at my calendar five days into the new month and hope I didn’t miss anything I was supposed to do on the First. I don’t miss appointments, I’m never late, so I think this must be another part of the brain working here. There is one part of the brain that gets to meetings on time, and there is another part that gets to life on time.

My Gets To Life On Time brain is weak.

I don’t feel pushed through time so much as… sucked.

It is hard not to feel that way for many of us, as if we’re not voluntarily participating in time but rather trying to keep up, and for a long while I thought this was wrong. I thought I had to change something I was doing in order to make an impact, because last time I checked it was 1996 and I had all kinds of time. Make an impact on what, I don’t know. But what I do know is that constantly trying to keep up, or really to feel like I’m keeping up, leaves almost no time or energy to actually do anything, except think about how its not 1996.
Slowly I am working on letting go of that need to feel like I’m keeping up. Slowly I am realizing that life is short and its a lot shorter if you spend too much time talking about how short it is. I am letting myself feel okay about my Gets To Meetings On Time brain, and not worrying about my Gets To Life On Time brain, and with practicing this I’m realizing that getting to life on time is already done.

If I just keep showing up, even when feeling sucked through time, life is there waiting. And much of the time all that means is that yes, I am the kind of person that needs to stop and think about leaves falling off trees.

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Okay then

by LesleyG on November 4, 2013

I was leaving the post office the other day and as I walked out the double door I glanced behind me–LIKE PEOPLE DO–and saw two teenaged boys heading toward the doors behind me. So I waited the half-second it took for them to get to the door and held it for them. LIKE PEOPLE DO.

Now. Usually when we do this, the person behind you, unless they are very old, feeble, have other challenges preventing them from getting the door… gets the door. You say thanks, hopefully, and you get the door, and the decent human ahead of you who held it continues walking. Right? I don’t even need an answer. That’s rhetorical.

So these kids, instead of getting the door, don’t even reach for the door. Don’t even try to hold it. So I think okay, well this is happening. But then, the kids go to walk AROUND ME. As in, thanks for holding the door let me pass by you and just pretend like I opened that door with my amazing teenage powers.

I was already rolling my eyes. I couldn’t stop it. I was already at “REALLY?” without trying. But I catch myself making the decision to say something. This is a bonus of age! You get to SEE yourself making the choice to say something and decide whether you should say it. And I did say it. “Uh, guys, no. You get the door, you don’t pass the woman who held it and keep walking.”

I wasn’t some angry insane woman. I wasn’t the road rage version of myself. I was the I-can’t-not-say-something-but-I-won’t-be-crazy version. Mostly acceptable. I think. And one kid said “Uhhh, oh.” The other kid hit is friend on the shoulder. And at least they both stopped trying to hurry around me as I headed to my car.

Walking to my car I thought to myself “So. I guess this is who I am now.” I am this adult person who sometimes just can’t take perceived rudeness around her and might say something. Well.

I’m not willing to debate if this is good or bad. I don’t even care. Its just one of those times when you catch yourself seeing yourself. Actually observing who you are and what stage you’re in, and in spite of all the stuff your psyche will tell you about being older, or being like your parents, or what you must look like, its fine. You find yourself okay with it.

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Figuring it out

October 29, 2013

About ten times a day, more if I pay attention, I’m reminded by this culture I live in that I’m not enough. I am reminded that I don’t have the right jobs, or enough jobs, or the right home, or the right amount of money, or know the right people. The way of the developed [...]

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It seems simple, probably because it is

October 17, 2013

Today I lost a little job. It is not a huge thing, except all the jobs are kind of little right now, and sporadic, so that makes it hard. Kind of like this entire year. But some years ask questions and some answer, or something like that, so I have no choice but to go [...]

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Fall Nostalgia

October 13, 2013

Fall is the best time to reflect, isn’t it? Less daylight time making less time to be out in the warm weather creates the opportunity to be without having anything to do. Summer isn’t calling anymore, the end of the year isn’t near enough to be pressing yet. I’m a football watcher, which is to [...]

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Peace is in the choice

October 2, 2013

I have spent a lot of the past few years trying to see where I’m meant to grow in a situation rather than resisting. I can now say with 100% confidence that growth is always an option. I can also say with 100% confidence that resistance is always an option. And I have wrestled back [...]

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Whole regardless of pieces

September 2, 2013

Anytime I’m going through a struggle, its easy for me to slip into the thinking of “no one will understand this” or somewhat worse, “no one else is going through this.” Both are equally defeating to me, and to the other person really. I don’t want to insult people I otherwise hold in such high [...]

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