I have spent 2012 in kind of a fog. Well, a funk is more like it but I really don’t enjoy the word funk to describe mood. It is a fog, and it’s floated heavier and lighter over the last couple weeks. It started on January 1, when a few things with a family member just didn’t go well, and it has kind of snowballed from there. I am worn down.

About 10 days ago my right knee became painful and it didn’t go away. Now, having a heck of a past with knee injury, this isn’t altogether strange. So, because I am supposedly older and wiser instead of running a marathon on that knee (*cough*twice*cough*), I instead backed off my activity and tried to take it easy. Well, the knee pain sort of came and went but really what it was doing was traveling. My lower back began hurting just over a week ago, and then it moved to my upper back, where it resides today. Thursday of last week I actually had no pain whatsoever, but that was apparently a freak day because I have had back pain in all the days before and since. I am still taking it easy, only taking yoga classes and not practicing intensely at all in those. I haven’t run, I haven’t been to a bootcamp class. Nothing.

But the pain persists, or if I wake up feeling okay, I hurt more as the day goes on.

I don’t need to tell anyone that pain can pretty much ruin… everything. Your attitude, your day, your relationships, your plans. You name it. I have a renewed feeling of respect and empathy for those who live with chronic pain and still manage to function and maintain their lives. If that is ever my case, I want to be locked up. Honestly. I am not doing well after a couple weeks, no one who isn’t a professional should have to deal with me if it gets worse.

The other (bigger?) difficulty with 2012 so far is that I have not felt like myself. Or, more accurately, I’ve had a really hard time deciding what that even is right now. There is not an easy way to say this, because I don’t blog about romantic relationships and so I suppose I haven’t had practice? but I recently decided to end one. And it doesn’t feel good, of course, but I do know it was right. It was two people realizing they were not in the same place. I sort of hate that description “not in the same place” but it’s all I’ve got. Not right is not right, whether it’s people or place or time.

I think if we get into anything with long term intentions— relationships, jobs, homes— we find a way into fooling ourselves that you can really plan for the future. Maybe it’s not so much the plans but the feelings they give you that allow you to relax? And so when something ends, planned or abruptly, it is more the idea you were steering what was to come that you have to let go. That is what I’m telling myself. It’s not a wholly bad experience, learning these things. In fact, I haven’t really cried or been at all distraught over it like  a younger version of myself might have been. I felt good about moving on, albeit sad. And in that sense I guess I do know more now about who I am.

With work this year, I feel as though I’ve finally reached a stability point. I quit my job to figure out what to do next and ultimately become my own boss two years and two months ago. It has been hard, and blah blah blah, but now it sort of only is. I know I should be thankful for this, and I am. Believe me, I am. But I have never been so good with the rebuilding part of things– the downtime. Now that I have some stability, or at least a few months of it, and I’ve found a routine in other areas of my life, what I should be doing is recharging, right? Re-saving all the money I spent figuring out what the next move was. Re-planning some goals and direction. And just allowing the normality of it all to sink in. Right? No. Because recharging doesn’t feel like moving forward. Duh.

In spite of the changes and obstacles, I feel incredibly stuck and unsure about my entire life right now. It is not as simple as “there are highs and lows.” I have had people say that, and I wish it were. It’s more than that. I have felt way too status quo for my liking. Way too inhibited by my choices. Way too unable to work on moving forward. I have prayed, I have asked friends for advice, I’ve looked for signs and signals all over the place.  Ocassionally the fog will clear a little, my heart will feel a little lighter, and I’ll get a moment to take a deep breath. To see a silver lining, maybe even a few little signs that it’s all going to be okay.

I know it will be okay. I do know that. What I am hoping for, though, is that little something extra that moves me out of the When and into the How. Because I will tell you one thing, between insult, injury, and letting go of what I once knew, I am either at the breaking point or on the verge of something huge. I am hoping for huge, in case you couldn’t tell.

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