It’s not the first thing I try to remember about an experience, and it’s not the memory I usually want to keep, but looking back, I can almost always see the role fear has played any time I knew something good was happening. An interview? Scared. A first date? More than a little scared. Making a big purchase? Scary. Having a tough conversation? Shaking with fear, even if mostly on the inside. It’s always there.

When we’re doing something big, or daring, or exciting, I think our first instinct is to say “I’m not afraid!” even when we are. I like that. I am all for talking yourself into something by minimizing the fear. I don’t believe it should go away altogether, but I think it has a little too much weight when we fight it. I think I do best when I just decide to see it and embrace it; it’s like fear doing reverse psychology on itself.

Earlier this week, I was on the edge of something good happening. I’d decided days before that this was the thing meant for me, that this was my story. I was ready and excited and even at peace with it. Then, when it came down to the final hours, I felt afraid. I felt like maybe it was all just too much and started down the road of “What if I can’t handle this?” and felt a little paralyzed and overly emotional. About a thing that hadn’t even come to pass just yet.

And then… nothing happened.

I thought I was on the verge of a huge, fateful moment and instead? Delayed. All I was left with was how I was feeling. How I’d gotten just a couple steps ahead and was using that to decide how I felt. What I am grateful for is how quickly I identified that it was fear. I was scared of a good thing, but rather than turn that into something bad, I just decided to think about it. What if noticing the feeling of being scared right before I thought something was happening was a preparation for when it actually does happen? What if that’s the point?

I think that may be what fear is. It’s a little whisper (maybe growing to a shout) telling you to pay attention, to notice. The practice is in that. It is not in fighting the way you feel, or saying it is wrong, but in embracing it. It’s saying okay, I see more of the picture here, I understand the conditions, and this is how I choose to react.

For me, it’s that I’m still excited. Still ready for this great thing to happen, and now more aware of just how much it means to me. Looking back, I hope that will be a part of the story that really stands out. I feel scared but that helps me realize even more just how much this means to me.

Weirdly, through that, I am a less afraid. A little, anyway.

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