JustRunJustLiveJustBe

What can I say?

The days are too short, the moments too quick. Spending time with those you love is like that, isn’t it? But like any trip I take, adventurous points of interest still seem to occur.

Just yesterday morning, in fact, I headed out at 7:00 a.m. for a nice run. Already 80 degrees and 800% humidity (rough estimates), I knew I was in for a good time. Afterall, I’m running at practically sea level here and coming from several thousand feet, that feels so good. I can run faster because I am not falling over dead, gasping for breath. That, I expected. What I did not expect was the woman sitting on a bench in her front yard with a loud Southern drawl, “ma’am, ah you craazay?” I answered yes (I’ve long admitted that, no matter what the context). Or the man watering his flowers, “damn, y’aint from ’round hea, ah ya?” No. That and all the looks that clearly read how dare you run through our neighborhood, have you no idea what is happening in Charlotte today… get your butt inside, open a Bud and watch the race, girl pretty much solidified the obvious fact that I’m slightly out of my element.

However, worry not, my Southern roots are alive and well as I’ve reverted back to my burried habits of drinking sweet tea and eating okra, neither of which I ever want at home. But here, they’re just so readily available. And let me tell you, there are very few things that beat sitting on the Outer Banks, drinking your sweet tea and holding your new baby nephew while you listen to waves crashing and children laughing.

As they say, the sweetest winds really do blow across the South. The people around here are just sweet. That’s all there is to it. It is a good place to find yourself in, especially when you’ve spent the better part of the current year questioning your life and your future and where you should be. Sometimes, the human connection of a stranger’s welcoming is all the escape you need.

You can see why I’ve had very little time to blog. What with all the rocking of baby boy, sweet tea, arcade games and downhome-ness of it all, I’m just too busy trying to figure out a way to stay longer.

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Oh My Sweet Carolina
by Ryan Adams

I went down to Houston And I stopped in San Antone
I passed up the station for the bus
I was trying to find me something
But I wasn’t sure just what
Man I ended up with pockets full of dust

So I went on to Cleveland and I ended up insane
I bought a borrowed suit and learned to dance
I was spending money like the way it likes to rain
Man I ended up with pockets full of cane

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home

I ain’t never been to Vegas
but I gambled up my life Building newsprint boats
I race to sewer mains
Was trying to find me something but I wasn’t sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home

Up here in the city feels like things are closing in
The sunsets just my light bulb burning out
I miss Kentucky and I miss my family
All the sweetest winds they blow across the south

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
May you one day carry me home

There are a couple of thoughts that cross your mind when you hold a brand new baby for the first time. The first is wow. You experience this incredible feeling of peace and joy. The second (probably more specific to your relation to the baby) is that you cannot believe that you are so lucky to witness the single greatest miracle of the world and life as we know it.

As I held my new nephew in my arms for the first time this afternoon, I was and am undoubtedly certain that there has never been a more perfect, strong, beautiful thing to happen to the world. Without feeling hesitant or at all boastful, I can say that there has never been a better baby born than him.

The wave of love that washes over you when your little sister hands you her first born for the first time is remarkable. It’s everything you share as siblings magnified, ultimately. I can only imagine how she’s feeling about her child. If this kind of love and pride is in me, what must be going through her mind?

A huge source of this pride today is watching what a natural mother she is. I never really thought about it before but it hit me today as I watched her care for her child in a way that no one teaches. She has just the right touch, just the right tone of voice. He knows exactly where she is in the room, even at ten days old. I am in awe of the bond of this family. The feeling you get when you watch them I can only inadequately liken to seeing a perfect sunset that gives you the reassurance that every part of what you are seeing is meant to be. There is no other place or time for these three people than right here, right now.

Should this little boy ever read this, I would want him to know that he is the most perfect, most loved and most beautiful thing I’ve ever met.

Last night, while driving home from a friend’s house, I witnessed a roll-over accident on the Interstate. I was about fifty yards away when I saw an SUV go tumbling across two lanes of traffic. Dust. Sparks flying. Glass everywhere.

They were headed North and I South so when they skidded, SUV on it’s side, near the median, I thought they were going to come right over. Somehow, they came to a stop without hitting even one other car.

For some reason, the universe has a way of putting me in the position to witness a car accident about once a year. So, untrained but accustomed as I am, I turned on the flashers and pulled over. Everything they say about adrenaline is true. I called the police on cell phone and hopped over the guard rail to the SUV. Incredibly, all four passengers were beginning to crawl out of the car. As I talked to the 9-1-1 dispatcher and told her what was going on, two girls and two guys climbed out of this SUV, all showing no visible signs of injury. I watched as car after car passed by this shattered, overturned vehicle and not one of them stopped even to see if anyone was okay.

As luck would have it, the deputy chief of police just happened to be a few cars back. He was able to radio for fire and ambulance as well as talk to the passengers. He did confuse me though as he was telling them to get all their ‘debris’ out of the road instead of having them sit down. He was also asking for license and registration. I understood that he wanted to assess the situation right away but these people just ROLLED OVER, would it be totally wrong to have them sit down for a minute? He wasn’t very nice to me but I had no problem arguing with him (that adrenaline) to let the poor kids sit down. Maybe he was concerned that alcohol was involved, which was entirely possible but probably also a good reason to have the passengers move as little as possible.

I hung up with the dispatcher and went to talk to the passengers while Deputy Important talked on his radio. I’ll say it again, it is amazing that they all appeared unscathed. They were all coherent and talking and walking. I couldn’t believe it but I was also really glad I did not have to see blood in this accident.

As more police and fire arrived, I said goodbye to the passengers and Deputy Important and headed back to my car. As I pulled away, the adrenaline started to subside. One thing people don’t often talk about with adrenaline is the let down after it’s over. An adrenaline rush is often followed by an emotional response. I was no exception.

I don’t know why I cried. I don’t even know what I cried over. Just relief, I guess. All the thoughts that you block out while you’re acting on instinct begin to flow. What if it were me? Would anyone have stopped? Who would they call in an emergency for me? Who would be there for me? What if there had been blood? What if there had been children, like that last accident? Wonder what happened to those kids… and on and on until that, too, subsided.

I have no idea why that happens. I don’t know what to think of it. Maybe your mind is just unblocked and open to what you’re really thinking about. Maybe those emergency situations just cause you to think about what’s important to you. Maybe you just need a good cry. I do know that I could never just keep driving; emotional breakdown or not, I will always have to stop.

Update: After re-reading, I think this post sounds a little ranty. I really found the guy’s comment humorous more than anything. In fact, when I walk by him in the hallway now, I act like I’m about to run, just to see what he’ll do.

Big Coworker Guy: So, you work out a lot?

Me: Yeah, I guess.

BCG: Do you like it?

Me: Yeah, I do. Most the time, anyway.

BCG: So would you say you’d rather work out than do anything else?

Me: Well, not anything. But probably most things.

BCG: Geez, you really know how to piss fat people off, don’t you?

Here’s the thing, I get grouchy if I don’t work out. It’s not like I’m some 5% bodyfat, protein powder obsessed, feel the burn kind of girl, I just have to do something almost every day to feel good.

I wasn’t always like this, though. I could get by on one or two workouts a week, sometimes none at all and feel fine. But that was before a lot of things were working against me. Stress, full-time work and age are unforgiving. Soon, a walk around the block or a day at the beach doesn’t have the amazing effects it used to on calorie burn. I realized I could no longer just stay in shape by walking around my college campus. So I run. And bike when I can. And do some weight training a couple times a week. And, if possible, go to yoga. They all kick my ass and they all make me a happier person.

It’s hard for me now to imagine getting through life without being able to go for a run. When I’m trying to write or figure something out at work and it’s just not happening, I go for a run. Almost immediately, the thoughts start flowing. When I can’t seem to make a decision, I try a tempo run. Everything starts making better sense when your heart rate hits 160. I don’t think I would have survived the Winter break-up of 2004 without my treadmill. I had to replace the belt on that one.

So, no, when I work out I’m not trying to irritate anyone. It’s not because I’m showing off, it’s because I’m being selfish. I don’t do other things well if I don’t run or do things that will help me run better. It is about me but I’m not trying to piss you off. In fact, when I tell you I need to go for a run before I talk to you or deal with something, pissing you off is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

I make it a point to avoid passing judgment on anyone. No matter who you are, where you’re from or what you believe, I want to accept you. I could never be a critic. I don’t think anyone is paid money to say, “This ______ wasn’t good or bad. I see the point, either way.” The other day, though, Just A Cool Cat said that I should try being a critic or try criticism or something like that. I read that and laughed. I try not to criticize. I have opinions, that’s true, but I don’t consider someone or something less worthy of anything based on whether or not I agree with it. With the exception of evil, law-breaking, world-corrupting people, the occasions in which I find myself judging someone’s actions are rare.

But they do happen.

The other day, I’m sitting at lunch with a friend and we’re having normal girl lunch conversation when she starts telling me a story about a party she and her husband recently attended. Apparently, everyone was giving her a hard time, in a joking manner, that she’d become a little uptight lately. Instead of laughing it off or agreeing or even disagreeing, she became upset. When her husband didn’t immediately come to her rescue, she became even more upset. So somehow, in the scorned woman sort of way, she decided the best way for her to feel more comfortable was to insult her husband. She made a joke about him having to do with his ability to uhhh… perform -ahem!- and indicated that was the reason she was uptight.

That’s right. You read correctly. She insulted her husband in possibly the harshest way possible, in front of other people. When I asked her if this was the first time she’d done this, she immediately said no. She does it often, and insists it’s just a joke. I’ll keep my mouth shut on a lot of things but not here. I told her I wasn’t surprised in the least that he hung her out to dry. If he is used to regular, emasculating insults in front of others, why the hell would he bother to come to her rescue on anything? She couldn’t understand why I sided with him. It made the rest of our lunch uncomfortable and I’m not sure how much she’ll share about her life with me from now on.

That’s okay though, I stand by my opinion. I think this is all too common. There are women who treat men, especially those closest to them, like something other than a man; like a child or a pet or an annoying responsibility. I will be the first in line to say that yes, often men are capable of some pretty asinine behavior, but reacting to them like you’re raising a five-year-old is not going to do you any favors. The ‘asinineness’ will continue and you are only going to distance yourself from this person. Women might ask “What if he does things like this all the time?” Then why are you with him? Or they might say “If I don’t remind him fifteen times a day to do something, it will never get done.” No, if you remind him fifteen times a day, it’s nagging. “But he doesn’t care what I say,” she might say. Again, why are you with him? You’re not the victim you think you are.

I know this might come off a little one-sided. Maybe you’re thinking: what does this single girl know? Certainly not everything, but I do know that there’s never a good time to insult your spouse in front of a crowd. And since I’m already putting myself on the block here, I’ll venture to say that there’s never a good time to do it in private, either. I don’t want to meddle, I just want my friend to stop ignoring what she’s doing. It would be nice if she realized that if she wants her husband to act like a man, she might try treating him like he is one. Be realistic. If you don’t take care to wash the car, it’s not going to be the shiniest one when you take it to the auto show. Above all, stop acting so surprised that your Knight in Shining Armor won’t rush to the rescue when you’ve repeatedly told the world that you’re unhappy with his sword.

- On my regular Friday Starbucks stop this morning, I saw a guy wearing suspenders. Suspenders. He was young, good looking and well-dressed, except for the suspenders. Can anyone explain this?

- I keep having dreams about my new nephew. In my dreams, he’s a baby (of course) but he can talk. And he’s telling me interesting things and we’re carrying on conversations. Can anyone explain this?

- Tonight I have a real date with the person I lied about in my last post. See, I told you it was based on truth. I wonder if I’ll ever get the chance to tell him what I did?

- Before said date, I have to be at a fund-raiser I organized. I have received a total of three hundred RSVPs. We reserved room for 150. Yikes!

- A fifty year-old guy in my office just said “nice gauchos” to me. Yes, I am wearing them but I have no idea how he knows what they are.

- There is a show on television in which parents set up their son or daughter on a date even though the son or daughter already has a significant other. Then, they sit there and watch the “date” together with the significant other while making disgusting comments about the person they chose for their child to date. Is this honestly considered entertainment in this country? I’m ashamed of us.

- I’m not entirely sure but I think there is also a reality show based on Hulk Hogan’s life. He still has the same mustache and it looks to me like the entire family is bleach blonde. Wow.

- I don’t have anything else today. I want to eat lunch, I want to go home. Thrilling post, no?

TGIF.

It was a really long day. I was tired, distracted and just feeling a little out of it. So, pretty much the perfect day to run into someone you haven’t seen in a while.

I was changing at the gym, minding my own busniess. Walking around the locker room in a bit of a daze, I heard my name. I looked up and saw the face of a girl I knew in college. We run into each other once in a while but I probably hadn’t seen her in over a year since she lives out of town.

She was so kind as to fill me in on her life. Great job, great husband, planning to have kids soon, blah blah blah. Then she started talking money. And it became annoying. I hate when people flaunt their money and earning capacity and whatever. It makes me want to throw up and I don’t tolerate this well. I think I may have rolled my eyes but that didn’t stop her. She just went on and on about how she wanted to wait until her husband was “clearning $200K a year” before they had kids but “you know, the clock is ticking, ha ha ha.”

Naturally, after she’d done her best to prove to me she was living in the Land of Superiority, (the human equivalent to a dog peeing around it’s house- you know, if it’s house were six thousand square feet and made of pure gold) she asked about me.

“Are you married yet?”

“No, not yet.”

“Are you dating anyone?”

And then I did it. I took a partial portion of truth and made something out of it. “Yeah, I am.”

“Oh really? And what does he do?”

“He’s a physician.” What am I doing?

“A doctor. Wow. What kind?”

“He’s a surgeon.” What?

“Oh wow,” she says “jackpot!”

“Oh, I really don’t know about that. He’s a good guy.”

“Well good for you.”

“Yeah, take care, okay? And good luck with the babies.”

“Thanks!”

I could not believe myself. How could I do that? It was such a natural reaction, I can’t explain it. The words just flew out of my mouth like I’d said them countless times before. And I am not a very good liar. I wondered if a lie based in truth is really a lie? I’ve been tempted in the past to have one of those boyfriends who went to a different school that was really far away but I never did it. Maybe I was just taking my turn. Maybe I just really wanted to end the conversation with this money flaunter. I know, I know. Still ridiculous.

I spent my workout beating myself up a little. Your life is good. You are a great person. Why did you lie? What’s wrong with you? You should be more proud than that? You probably make more money than her husband. You know that, right? You are doing quite well! And why a doctor? You’re so cliche. Gah!

But I got that out of my head and to tell the truth, I only felt like fifty percent guility about it in the end. The other fifty percent was like “damn right, jackpot!”