I’m sitting at home on Friday night and not the least bit embarrassed. It seems as though I’ve come to a point where a full day of travel by road and air legitimately warrants doing nothing and feeling good about it. I have no need to run about the town just because I can. Without realizing it or even trying, I suppose I’ve settled down a little.
I am desperately sad to once again be over two thousand miles away from my sister and new nephew. The last few days have allowed me to see life in a new way. It’s like the adult part of the relationship my sister and I have has taken a new turn. It’s the kind of turn where you can’t ever go back; but you also can’t wait to see what’s next.
I know I’ve been a gusher lately involving the new arrival in our family but the experience has truly been nothing short of profound. It has affected me in a way I never expected. It’s reminded me of all the greatest and most terrifying things in this world. It has refreshed my memory about honest, automatic love and hope that people can share for one another- a refresher I desperately needed.
Surprisingly, the birth of my nephew has started a lot of friends and family members asking about me. They want to know when I’m going to be ready. When do I see myself having kids? What’s next on the agenda for me?
The truth is: I don’t know.
I have no idea when or if I’ll ever be ready for “settling down and having kids.” I don’t know when I see myself having kids. I don’t know what I’m going to eat for breakfast tomorrow, how am I supposed to know what’s next on the agenda for my life?
As madly in love as I am [with my nephew] I hear no clock ticking. When people mention marriage and children for me, I’m at just as much a loss for when it will happen as I ever was. I still have the same fantasy in my mind about “knowing when it’s right” as I had before. (You see, my thought was I’d actually marry someone and agree on the “right time” together. Quite the fantasy, I know, but I still have hope.)
So no, the amazement and love I have for my nephew or the incredible transformation I’ve seen in my sister and brother-in-law as they become parents doesn’t naturally spark the parental fires within me. I’m not immediately trying to go out and make it my life, I’m just grateful that I get to be a part of it at all. Those questioning what’s next for me are just going to have to be okay with the way I sit home on Friday night because I’m tired, not because I have kids. That may not be answer enough but if it’s not, then I just don’t know.
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