How mornings would be if they were perfect:
5:00 - Alarm goes off.
5:01 - Turn off alarm and get out of bed.
5:02 - Do the 100 crunches I am ever so dedicated to.
5:05 - Shower.
5:15 - Comb and dry hair, applying only minimal effort to make each wave and curl cooperate.
5:20 - Get dressed in clothes that are perfectly laid out the night before. They’re not wrinkled and they all fit just as they did the day they were purchased.
5:23 - accessorize appropriately for the chosen outfit.
5:25 - Wake up dog and get her to go outside, take care of business, eat and drink without doing anything that irritates me or leaves a stain.
5:30 - Feed the poor, adopted-because-all-I-really-am-is-one-BIG-sucker parrot would talk quietly and say things like “thank you for my food, beautiful owner.”
5:35 - Pull the lunch I made the night before out of the fridge and pack it in the work bag (which is also immaculately clean because I went through all the paperwork on time instead of last minute and panicking because maybe, just maybe, I didn’t pay that bill. Or did I?)
5:45 - Water the flowers outside and wave to the neighbor out walking her dog.
5:55 - Gather my things and head for the door, remembering my bag for the gym/run/ride I plan to do after work.
6:00 - On the road to work with plenty of time for a Starbucks stop, where someone may or may not flirt with me.
How mornings actually are:
5:00 - Alarm goes off. I’m awake already because the dog started snoring around 4:15 and I could hear it all the way in the next room. But I hit snooze anyway.
5:10 - Alarm goes off again. I say unintelligible words and drag myself out of bed.
5:11 - Lay on the floor to do the crunches that I’m so dedicated to. It is also possible that I fall asleep and just dream of doing them.
5:15 - Shower as quickly as possible and saying “oh, who needs shaved legs, I’m wearing pants today.”
5:22 - Attempt to comb and dry hair, get distracted because, oh my god who loses this much hair everyday and is not bald?!
5:24 - Hair is not cooperating.
5:27 - Hair is retarded.
5:29 - Give up on hair.
5:30 - Go to get dressed in clothes that were laid out hastily the night before but, nonetheless, laid out because my momma taught me that much. They don’t fit like I want them to but whatever.
5:32 - Completely forget accessories and wear the diamond stud earrings that I’ve been wearing since 1997. They really do go with everything.
5:35 - Call the dog.
5:36 - Try to find something for lunch in the fridge. Nothing is made and leftovers are sparse so I throw a bunch of stuff together like yogurt and a muffin top expecting it to last an entire day and wonder why I’m starving by 2:00.
5:38 - Call the dog, again.
5:40 - Feed the poor, adopted-because-all-I-really-am-is-one-BIG-sucker parrot who I don’t talk about much because, heaven help me, the dang thing talks enough for the both of us and, godforbid, can’t stop screaming because IT’S DAWN, IT’S DAWN! Don’t you know? I can’t believe I felt bad for him, even if he can say “I’m a genius” in five languages.
5:43 - Go find the dog, who has apparently decided today is a good day to stop hearing and start hibernating. Drag her up and push her out the door and watch her look back at me as if I’ve just shoved her into the fires of hell.
5:45 - Look for the shoes I need to wear because I insisted on wearing these shoes yesterday and, therefore, can’t stand another day with heels. (They were a gift, of sorts. And seriously, buy guitars designed by famous guitar players. Do not buy shoes designed by famous guitar players.)
5:50 - Call the dog in, who has now found the neighbor and her dog and just sits and watches as the Golden Retriever pees all over our yard. Apparently, she was disturbed from her slumber much too early to protect her territory like any normal canine would.
5:55- Water the flowers and spray pee off my porch for the 800th time this year.
5:59 - Get the dog inside and offer her food to which she turns her nose and goes back to bed.
6:00 - Gaze out the window and think to myself that I should have ridden my bike in today but then realize the effort it would take to top off the tires and find the bike shoes would send me over the edge long before what would be acceptable for a Wednesday.
6:02 - Find the dog sleeping comfortably, in my bed. Chase her out.
6:03 - Find the shoes I’m looking for.
6:05 - Check email and calendar. Realize I have an early meeting that was sent after I left the office yesterday. Thanks, boss.
6:10 - Grab an apple and a banana and throw a couple granola bars in the bag because, who am I kidding, I eat all day.
6:15 - Rush like a mad woman out of the house, realize three blocks from home that my sunglasses are on the counter and squint in the morning sun all the way to work. Get to work on time, because there is a small clause that says you can speed if no one else is on the road and realize I forgot my gym bag and that I’ll have to go home after work first.
What is the Powerball up to?
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