After eleven hours at work and another two at a team meeting for a charity event I’m helping to put together, I walked into my house to the phone ringing.
I answered on the last ring. It was him. We’ve talked occasionally and seen each other only socially over the last six months. No detail, just friendly chat. The kind of contact you’re supposed to have with a guy it took you a year to get over. Short, sweet and not at all emotional, adorable or caring. It worked. I got over it, finally. I found a new crush. Went out with others; a doctor, a banker, a soldier. All has been well.
“Hi, how are you?”
“Hi…. haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“What’s new?”
Did the little catch-up-before-we-can-get-to-the-real-reason-I-called game here.
“Well, do you have a minute?”
“Sure, I’m just walking in the door.”
“Well, I just wanted to call… and say…”
“Is everything okay? Are you okay?” Always the caring person, I am.
“Yeah, yeah… I’m good. Nothing’s wrong. You’re always so sweet. You’re just too nice.”
“Well, just making sure.”
“Look, I just wanted to call you and tell you I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“Yeah.”
“For what?”
“For letting distance come between us. You’ve always been so good to me and I am stupid for not seeing that.”
“Uhhh, okay. What are you talking about?”
“I just mean I let the opinions of someone else make my decisions for me. Even when it felt wrong, I did it. And I’m sorry. ”
“… okay, I’m not quite sure what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, really. I just wanted you to know. I guess, I guess I just missed having certain things in my life and it was time to let you know.”
“Well… I, I don’t know. I’m a little stunned.” Stunned would be putting it mildly.
“Look, I know, and I’m sorry. And I wanted you to know that. And as for Mary, we have been finished for a very long time.”
“Okay…”
“Not that that’s supposed to mean anything to you. I just wanted you to know that I’ve made up my mind. It was wrong. It always was.”
“Okay, so what? I feel like you’re calling me because you’re bored.”
“No, not at all. Please, please don’t think that.”
“Well, either that or you’ve joined AA and you’re in the ‘making amends’ step?”
Laughing. “No, not quite. I knew this would be weird. But it felt wrong to not apologize.”
“Alright, well, thanks.”
“Okay. Well, I would like to get together, if you can.”
“I don’t know.”
“Look, no pressure. I just missed out on some things when I was wrapped up in all that and I feel like I have some making up to do. Not just with you, with a lot.”
“I still don’t know.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll call you soon, okay?”
“Okay. I hope so.”
“I will.”
And honestly, I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if being over someone and only thinking of them on occasion can be permanent if you start seeing them again. Are you better now? Are your glasses clearer? Are you ever really over them?
He never knew of my real feelings. He never knew that I found his shoulder so comfortable. He never knew that all those times we were in a crowd, I’d wish it could have only been the two of us. He didn’t do anything to me; he wasn’t unkind or harsh. The only thing he didn’t do is have the same feelings I did, at the same time.
So when I think about having dinner, about sitting across the table from him trying to catch up on life, I just don’t know.
Filed under: 
