I don’t know how to do this.
I woke up this morning with a pretty severe pain in the inside of my right knee. Yes, the same knee I’ve had problems with, but different place and different pain. But it’s a bad pain. Pain that keeps me from moving my knee more than one degree either direction. Getting out of the car even hurts, twisting is out of the question. And I don’t know how to deal with it.
The anger.
The pain.
The loss.
The disappointment, yet again.
The depression I’m afraid it will cause.
All of it.
I am four weeks out from a marathon. Four weeks out of a huge thing I’ve been preparing for, not just physically and mentally, but with a travel plans. And friends. And pasta dinners. And after race parties. And promises of pace groups, and finish line celebrations.
And today feels like that’s all being taken away from me. This is a worse pain than I’ve felt, ever. It hurts to the point that I’ve been reduced to tears several times today. Then again, that wasn’t just from the physical pain.
I hate the person that it makes me. It makes me not care. It makes me not laugh. It makes me not eat. And for someone that up until now has been fighting the urge to eat everything in the fridge, this is huge. Instead, I just don’t care. It magnifies everything difficult I’ve been dealing with and it makes it worse. It reduces the good to the point where I can’t even see it.
That’s the feeling that scares me the most. I’ve never been depressed for more than a couple days at a time, certainly never diagnosed. But that’s largely due to my being able to run. Or bike, or whatever gets me moving enough to get things in perspective. Which leads to being able to deal with life. Which leads to being able to be the person I want to be for those around me. Which leads to being present in my life. Which leads to happiness, and family, and friends, and fun. My life. It’s all connected.
I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I feel like this thing, the one thing I feel like I really only do for me, is being taken away. When you’re doing something good for yourself, it’s not fair that it be taken away. It just doesn’t make sense. And I know no one died and I know it’s not the worst thing in the world but in all honesty, I think it’s too hard for me to deal with. Sitting here tonight, I have no idea what to do. There’s nothing I can do. I’m helpless and powerless. And hurt. And it came out of nowhere. And it’s not fair.
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