I have not gotten into the Christmas spirit this year. Save for a wreath and a stocking, I haven’t pulled out a single decoration. I haven’t turned on the Christmas music I usually love. I haven’t looked around the neighborhood to see the effort of stringing lights and the careful placement of candy cane lawn ornaments. It has all happened while my back was turned.

I was really busy up until now. I’ve missed the lights and the trees, the parties and the cards. Thanks to the internet and a couple lunchtime errands, I’ve skipped wandering the stores altogether. And now, it’s all going on and I feel like I’m watching it from the outside, through a window. I’m going through the motions, but I’m about as unplugged as Willy Nelson in the back of a tour bus, minus the dope.

I’m not really bothered by it, either. What’s strange is that I’m okay with it. When I think of pulling out all those decorations, I think of the time and the work, not the twinkling lights and sentimental ornaments. I think, to myself, that they’ll only be up for a couple weeks anyway and, somewhat sadly, what’s the point anyway? Who’s going to enjoy it? Me and the dog? Nah, I’ll just go see my mom’s ten Christmas trees if I need a dose of that. And it seems fine by me.

I find my mind already wandering to January and beyond. To healing my foot and my knee, making more time for weight training, late Winter and early Spring events and 2007 travel plans. I’m thinking about better triceps and sun, not garland and snow. It surprises me how complacent I am, but I feel like if I just do everything I need to, like send the cards, bake the cookies, give the gifts and look at the lights, I’ll be doing what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I don’t have to be over the moon about Christmastime, as long as I find a way to appreciate the season and steal a moment or two to remember what it’s about, maybe that’s enough.

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Thanks for the kind comments and emails lately. Obviously you are in the spirt. I appreciate it.

I didn’t know I’d feel so many different feelings today. Things are running the gamut of emotions. I never want to run again, I want to run again tomorrow. I miss my running friends already, I’ll see some of them soon. I want to eat a house, nothing sounds good. I want to take a nap, I can’t sit still. I want to get busy at work, I can’t concentrate. It’s all very strange.

The pre-race feelings, I could describe. I could chalk them up to nerves, excitement and anticipation. This? Is just a little different.

The race, it was fantastic. I did not have an expectation of time, really, but I was happy with my result. It wasn’t my “dream” time but it wasn’t “worst case”, either. I suppose I would have been even happier had I not ended up with a sprained foot, but such is the unpredictability of running and racing. The knee problem that won’t go away came back to haunt me a little, too, but nothing horrible. As of today, the doctor told me to stay off it completely for two weeks. No running, cycling, elliptical or weights [on the legs] at all. Then, we’ll see what it does. As of now, it’s got some fluid/swelling going on but not significant enough to drain (I know, gross). So, I will wait. All I’m allowed to do is Yoga or Pilates and upper body weights. I can handle that, though in my head I just picture my cardiac fitness going straight out the window. Ugh, the thought of rebuilding makes me nauseous.

So, the race. Like I said, it was great. It was so much fun, everything from meeting up with my friends early on to the pasta dinner, the race itself and the celebrating afterward. No matter how many people continue to participate in marathons, I’m reminded that it is a BIG DEAL. There are only something like one in a thousand people that could actually complete the distance of a marathon and thankfully, I am one of them. I’d venture to say, though, that I wouldn’t be without all the wonderful people I’ve encountered along the way (in racing, training, discussions and beyond).

This race, in particular, was powered by the strength I’ve found in the running community. For those that aren’t in it, I’m not sure I know what to compare it to. It’s a remarkable thing, really. With the exception of the occasional snooty runner, everyone is really just as welcoming as you’d expect a best friend to be. Michelle over at Back of the Pack recently posted about this phenomenon and I could not agree more. It is a very unique experience and privilege to be a part of this community.

In the group I met at my race, we had every speed and ability of runner possible and I am not lying when I say that each and every one of these people embraced one another. From those who finished in 3:18 (completely unfathomable to me) to those that brought up the tail at six hours or more, everyone congratulated and celebrated together. It is an awesome feeling to know that I get to be part of something so special.

So, today as I sit here with all these different emotions, I am certain of this: I may not be terribly fast, my body not be made for running but I have definitely chosen the right place to be. With all the other unanswered questions floating around me, I am glad I am certain of at least this. Running has brought me a sense of peace and community that I otherwise would have never known. That is worth more than feeling great for 26 miles or any medal I’ve ever received- though receiving the medal was quite a good feeling!

Thanks for all the support and advice over the weeks of training, too. It’s great to be able to relate my triumphs and woes of running to both runners and non-runners on this blog and get the insight of others.

I’m sure my feelings and emotions will be all over the place in the next week or so, as I come down off this ride and work on finding another challenge. For now, I’m just going to get my knee back to working, rest the sprained foot and enjoy the marathon story-telling I’ll get to do around the holidays. I’m also joining Nicole over at Powered by Vegetables in her 3 in 3 “challenge.” There are three weeks until the end of the year and I’d like to lose 3 pounds. Not because I feel I’m three pounds overweight or that my Winter sweaters will look that much different minus the three, but more so because I like the idea of the distraction and the challenge. It’s going to be a little tough seen as I can’t get much cardio in but I think I can do it now that I’m not eating like I was during training. Join us, if you’d like, because really, there are no consequences or prizes-it’s just three pounds.

Okay, so we’re t-minus three days till marathon day. (Seriously, if you want to know where I’m going to run, just email me. I will tell you. For obvious reasons, I don’t want to post it here.) I am doing my normal, pre-race freak out. Times one thousand. I am eating well, this is honestly the most balanced seven days of eating I’ve likely ever had in my life. It’s not that I think I am going to be a better or faster runner if I eat clean this week, it’s just that I want to leave NO room for error. Keeping the system, uh, regulated is job one. Also, skipping on the sugar and large quantities of fat (read: grease burrito from that place on the corner) is probably helping to calm my nerves quite a bit. However, I have not given up caffeine because, let’s face it, it is the juice of life and the purpose for my wide-eyed existence. Diet Pepsi is my drink of choice. Yes, I’m sure the aspartame is doing a number on me, got it, thanks.

I’m also having a super-difficult time concentrating at work. I have two out of three projects I need to finish my the end of today, finished. However, I have been putting one off because I have to call this one lady in particular to finish it up and, gah!, I do not want to talk to her. She is just a downer. She’s grouchy and lazy and never excited about anything and, my gosh, I try not to judge but someone needs to tell her it is NOT okay to wear sweat pants to work. It is NOT. Believe me, honey, if it were I’d be all over that. I’d be here in my flannel jammies and my slippers because that is my most favorite “outfit” for this time of year, but no, it’s not okay! NOT! So, I don’t want to call her. If my mind weren’t going a bajillion miles a minute, I’d get into the fact that this woman and her attitude and her attire represent everything that I don’t want to be but gah!, I have 26.2 miles to think about. And also, packing. And also, a carry on. And also, errands to do before I go. No deep thinking here.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I am possibly more excited about going to this marathon and meeting up with some friends I haven’t seen in a very long time than I am to actually run. Sure, I’ve trained and battled injury and suffered through a year of ridiculous knee problems but really, there are just a few people that I can’t wait to throw my arms around and hug, possibly to death. That is how much I love them. They are funny (like beyond hilarious, wear-your-Depends funny), supportive, kind and my gosh, MY friends. I wish there was some way I could tell them how motivated I am by just being in their presence. I hope, with every step I take in that race, I can find some way to be half as wonderful to them as they have been to me. I hate that miles have to stretch between us but I love, love, love that we are coming together this weekend. It is honestly going to be one for the record books and if I had talent and time (and my mind weren’t doing that bajillion miles a minute thing) I would post some kind of video of me and the sheer joy bursting from every part of me due to the excitement I’m experiencing right now. Phew!

And oh, yes, there is that 26.2 to worry about. You know, I am not usually an outward type of hopeful person but, my gosh, I just hope and pray that this confidence and reassurance I have in my head and heart right now for this race is real. I am so thankful to have even been able to train these last sixteen weeks. SO thankful. And I just hope that these day dreams I’m having about the course and the people and my friends and that finish line are somehow based in reality. I am sure this all seems a little insane, but you know, that’s me! I’m a little cracked but, I think, in a good way. In a way, I hope, that gets me through this thing. Also, I’m a little worried about not getting up in time, not being able to do “business” properly before the start and about forgetting something (like shoes, bodyglide and safety pins). Whew! See, a little cracked.

I’m off for a few days, hopefully to return sufficiently tired, satisfied and thrilled to have a break. And if that doesn’t work, I can always just add some rum to that Diet Pepsi.

Thanks to Runner Girl FL over at Run Baby Run, I can now dream of my dream day:
(FYI: You don’t get to pick the groom/bride, location or design. Because no, I would not pick Brad Pitt)

I’m less than thrilled about the groom, but the location friggin’ rocks!

A group of my running friends and I are talking while listening to a friend’s music. He was in a band in the 80’s, he wrote several songs, which we all listen to now. I’m always joking about how if it weren’t for running, we’d likely never have met. We’re all often joking about that, actually. Sometimes, when we’re all talking and not running, this is abundantly clear.

Me: Wow, J, this is good stuff. Nice guitar in this one.

A: Yeah, I like it.

H: I’d like to rock out to this on the way to work.

Me: Listen to your voice, holy crap!

J: Yeah, I wrote all kinds of this hard stuff back then.

S: Burn me some copies, okay?

J: Sure, no problem.

O: You know this is really awesome. Thanks for letting us listen. You know, the only thing that’s missing?

J and group: What?

O: Banjo.

I’ve started using the excuse of “oh I’ll do that AFTER the marathon” or “I can’t think about that until AFTER the marathon.” Right now, I just want to pack, eat well, sleep well and check of everything on the ten checklists, ten times.

I’ve traveled to races before, I don’t really know why I feel unprepared. I mean, I have checklists!

Situations in which I’ve used the race as an excuse to put something off:

Finishing my Christmas shopping.

Decorating for Christmas.

Getting a hair cut.

Going through the mail.

Any laundry that does not involve clothes for the trip (you should see my wardrobe this week, lookin‘ pretty hot!)

Writing Christmas cards.

Starting my end of year tasks at work.

And I’m sure, much more.

However, I have found time to book my villa.

Priorities.

Because after this week’s craziness is over, I’d like something to look forward to.

Over the past month or so, I’ve been on more first dates than in the past five years combined. Gee, the adventure a cold day can bring. There have been a couple second dates, as well.

Overall, it’s been fun. I’m pretty surprised at how good I am at conversation. This is not to say I’m attractive, interesting or intriguing to everyone, but I haven’t had an awful date. That said, I haven’t had a “spark” beyond friendship in any of these, really. I’ve actually been able to make a few friends, which is cool. My count of male friends has really gone down in the past couple years. So, it’s a good thing. I have plans to go skiing with one guy and his sister next month. We agreed that we weren’t a match but both have trouble finding people to ski with, so we’re doing that. I won’t go alone with him, because we are not dating but if we can form a group (i.e. sisters, etc.) that’s fine by me.

I suppose some of this is a little disappointing, seen as it is a dating service, but if the story I come away with is how I made some new friends, I’ve probably already beat out half (or more) of those experienced in online dating. In some ways, that’s good enough for me. In others, it’s a little exhausting because then I have to think about the whole when and if thing more; and you know how my little mind goes, and goes. I told a friend this the other day, and how I just didn’t want to try that hard right now. I told her I was a little tired of it and that I wouldn’t keep up the online thing and maybe not be too concerned with dating at all. She knows me and she knows I can do this. She knows I can block things out, at least temporarily. I expected her to say “sure, take a break.” Instead, she said this:

“You know what? No. You don’t get to quit. You don’t get to convince yourself that timing or karma or lack of energy have anything to do with your dating life. If you want to stop the online dating thing, that’s fine but you don’t just get to quit altogether.”

“Why?”

“Because, despite your claiming a destiny of Old Spinster Cat Lady, though you don’t even have one single cat, there is someone out there for you! I know you can’t see that all the time and I know it might get a little difficult to believe but it’s true. It’s true and I see it. I see it in you and you know what?”

“What?”

“You owe it to that person to not give up. You owe it to him to be 100% looking for him, the RIGHT guy, when he finds you.”

It seems so obvious. Of course, it’s not about only me, it’s about him, too. I owe it to myself, and the person that might come along. Maybe this statement doesn’t apply to everyone. Maybe some things do happen when you least expect it. But for me, right now, I believe it. I want to believe it.