JustRunJustLiveJustBe

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve been invited to a couple Super Bowl parties. Yes, the invites were nice but I didn’t accept either. I’m not sure why, I just didn’t feel up to it. Imagine that. So, I declined and carried on figuring I’d at least avoided the over-comsumption of food and drink and could therefore continue down this path of succeeding to be a smaller version of myself.

Then, while driving in highway traffic the other day, I felt the need to have family around me. It has been a while since we were all together and I miss that. There are also a few friends I haven’t seen in a while- I miss them, too. So, after a careful twenty-three seconds of thought, I started making calls.

Thirty minutes later, I was now hosting a Super Bowl party. The funniest part of this is, I didn’t even know what time the game started. “Show up whenever!” I told them. I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

I’ve planned some food, some drink, even ordered three different flavors of “wings”- something I have never served at my house, ever. On Saturday I’ll brave the crowds and shop for other snacks and, yes, beer. And Sunday, I’ll have a house full of people who all accepted an invite to a party I’m throwing because I didn’t want to go to anyone else’s. Strange how that worked out.
Oh yes, and I’m no longer worried about the over-consumption of food because the game starts around 4:00 p.m. or something like that which means almost an entire day beforehand is available for the gym. By kickoff, I’ll be guiltless.

It took me most of last week to realize it, but this Winter has been particularly hard on me. I know, I’m not alone. All across the continent, people are saying this. There is snow where there has never been snow before. There’s freezing rain and ice storms in unbelievable frequency. Ranchers are losing their cattle, croppers are losing their oranges. It’s a rough Winter and it’s really gotten to me.

At twenty-seven, I really didn’t think my body and mind could surprise me like this. I know I don’t like cold and snow, I know it puts me in a bad mood. What I didn’t know is that the cold and snow, combined with working on an injury keeping me from running (not nearly as much as I’d like, anyway) are depressing. There, I said it.

Depression is such a strange thing- it’s many levels, it’s sneaky ways. I admit fully, I’m not comfortable with it. In fact, even as I began typing this just a few sentences ago, I didn’t know I’d be talking about depression. I don’t want to admit that though it’s not clinical and relatively unharmful compared to many cases, it still is what it is. It’s a lasting feeling of blah. A feeling of I want to do X, Y, and Z things but I don’t get to them. Or, I do and I don’t get any sense of accomplishment from them.

That’s where it gets strange for me. Sure, this may be “seasonal” depression and quite common but I have this traditional picture in my head of a depressed person and it’s not me. It’s not me who works out daily, who longs for a fifteen mile run, who cleans the house from top to bottom, who goes to work each day upbeat and friendly. To me, that’s not a depressed person. If I were, wouldn’t my house be a wreck? Wouldn’t my friends and family be neglected? Wouldn’t I stop working out or caring about myself? Isn’t that what a depressed person does? I don’t accept it. In my mind, I am balanced and just in a lull. But there’s also a part that just feels blah. I’m not sad, I’m not in darkness. But it’s not bright.

It’s such an odd thing to describe. I don’t have any hopeless feelings (except that maybe I’ll never be able to feel my toes again), I find joy in everyday things, I laugh and joke but daily, and it’s worse when it’s really cold, I find myself just moping.

It’s been suggested in the past that I’m a victim of SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, also known as winter depression is an affective, or mood, disorder. Most SAD sufferers experience normal mental health throughout most of the year, but experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer. SAD is rare, if existent at all, in the tropics, but is measurably present at latitudes north of 30°N, or south of 30°S.

To that I would have to say, yah huh! Ya think? But also, it’s a little scary to me. Depression is not scarce in my family tree, so that fear is always there. That fear that a few bad days could spiral into a few more, and that maybe I wouldn’t realize it and then, one day when all is right with the world I’ll find myself thinking nothing is. That’s probably an irrational fear- it even looks like that to me. Nonetheless, that’s the fear I have inside when eight straight weekends of snow put the smackdown on your city. That’s the fear when your physical therapist points out to you the muscle that’s “not working” and that you have to restrengthen it, almost from scratch. The quad muscle that you’ve always been proud of, that has always been defined and the least of your weight-lifting worries has now ceased to work. And to get better, you have to start over. It feels like a mighty tall order right now.

This is relatively small stuff, though, and I know that. Honestly, it’s probably that thought that keeps me far away from that feared spiral more than anything else. It’s still there, though, and it’s not going away. We’re expecting highs in the single digits later this week- I’m not going to get any warmer. My only conclusion as I type this now, is to continue to be grateful. To continue being me, albeit mildly diluted for the time being. It’s to continue to clean the house, be with the friends, work hard at work and know two things: I’m conscious of how I feel, which apparently is half the battle, and Spring is getting closer every day.

I let an eighteen-year-old girl do my hair today. She’s actually quite good, advanced for her level, her instructor says. However, she’s still 18. For sure.

18: So, do you like music?

Me: Definitely. Just about everything, too. How about you?

18: Oh, I love music. All kinds, too. Music is my life!

Me: Really?

18: Yes, I love it!

Me: Any favorites?

18: I love Rock the most!

Me: Oh yeah, like what?

18: Ummm, like Nickelback. And Hinder! I really like them! What about you?

Me: Yeah, there are a lot of good newer bands. I guess I like some older ones, too, though. And I grew up on Classic Rock, so I’m partial to that.

18: Classic Rock?

Me: Yeah, you know… Led Zeppelin? Queen? Aerosmith?

18: Umm, kinda. Like I think I know Aerosmith… what are their songs I would know?

Me: What will she know? Hmmm? Well, they have quite a few. Maybe you’ve heard Sweet Emotion? or Crazy? Jaded?

Silence…

Crickets…

18: Oh, are those the guys with like, all the hair and stuff?

Me: Yeah, a lot of hair.

Yeah, I know not everyone has to know Classic Rock. Even if “music is your life!”

Yesterday, I finally got to get out and run on an ice and snow-free road for the first time all year. It was also a few degrees above 50 (F) which never hurts. Right around 50 with sun and no wind is what I consider perfect running conditions. It also helps if your body feels good. I did the two-a-day workout again yesterday but took it easy at lunch and saved myself for the run.

Boy, was it worth it.

I had to talk myself into a slower pace than normal because though I want to go all out, I don’t want to ruin all the physical therapy and weight lifting work I’ve done. At least not yet. It was good to soak up some sun and just take in whatever was around me, though. I ran a route I’ve run at least a hundred times before but I noticed some things I hadn’t before, too. The way the sun hit a certain window on the back of a house. The way the trail curved up the hill, the shadows of the tall trees framing the path. It was all very peaceful, like after all this up and down, I’d finally been allowed a calm, comfortable few miles.

The other day, Bre posted about a little ritual she has of reminding herself of what she’s thankful for at the end of the day. I thought of this on my run yesterday and was nearly overwhelmed at the list I could make, and I’m someone who usually is grateful on a daily basis. A friend of mine, in fact, told me just the other day that if someone gave me a box of crap for my birthday, I’d dig through it looking for the Pony. Mostly, that’s true. But on this run yesterday, I was reminded of just how many ponies I really do have.

Sometimes I can get so caught up in things not going as planned or even as hoped. I lose sight of all that I’ve accomplished because I’m already moving on to what’s next. I start acting like things that happen as well as things I make happen are just pieces of a puzzle when, really, I think they are the puzzle. I catch myself in thoughts like will I ever do this or that when really, if I were to look back on the years, I’m already doing what I used to wonder about. It’s not the dreams that aren’t coming true, it’s me constantly changing them that’s the trouble. I think there’s a balance there, though. I will always want better, want more, but I am reminded to take the time to want what I’ve got, too. Maybe, if we take those moments and take an inventory of what we really have, we are better suited for what’s to come. Don’t stop dreaming, of course, but also, stop long enough to realize that those dreams might be right now.

I had about twenty-nine different reasons to make it to the gym this afternoon (one being that I skipped out yesterday because, funny, on Monday I pretended I was some kind of superstar and went to the gym at lunch AND after work and come Tuesday, I was feeling like something a cat dragged in. And not just any cat, but like a huge, giant, violent, predator-type cat). However, all those twenty-nine reasons weren’t nearly as good as the invite of After-Work Happy Hour.

First, to those who have any idea what I do for a living, I’m sure hundreds (okay, tens) of thoughts are going through your head right now starting with “wait, computer people know what happy hour is?” Yes, apparently they do. And apparently, I’m also part of that crowd, even though I claim to forget absolutely anything technical or even half-way knowledgeable when I walk out the door. It’s like a force or something!

Still, it was a happy hour invite and I could have been all “no thanks, I’m going to the gym to concentrate on breaking the Rotation Speed Record for an elliptical machine” but instead, I accepted. It was loads of fun, too. The best part was, I was home in time to catch a good chunk of American Idol.

I know, I know.

That show, though, always makes me thankful for my family and their honesty. Seriously, I have been a singer all my life but a) not once did anyone tell me I could sing when I dang well can’t and b) they taught me to embrace my other, better “qualities” and save the singing for others who don’t need a wheelbarrow, okay, dump truck to carry a tune.

We sort of pride ourselves on that honesty, brutal as it may necessarily be. Like a night a couple weeks ago, while having dinner with my aunt, uncle and teen aged cousins, we started laughing at some of our little “quirks,” you might say. Five or ten minutes in, my aunt, uncle and I were beside ourselves laughing at some of our family’s funny habits, like talking over one another, involuntarily calling each other by the wrong name (and you thought that was just for grandmothers) and going outside without pants on. Okay, I am joking about that last one. Mostly. Eventually, we even got my older cousin laughing and soon, it was the four of us laughing and the seventeen-year-old staring at all of us like he’d been kidnapped by the gorilla family at the zoo; we were both interesting enough to watch and frightening enough to keep a safe distance.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him staring. He then informed us that we were acting “like a bunch of rednecks who never set foot in a classroom.” I think he believes there’s some rule that says if you go to college, you can’t laugh at your family’s lack of outerwear. According to him, the family has some history in business and success and therefore we all qualify as some sort of white collar, non-fart joke making, geniuses who have a history to live up to.

He’s right, really because I believe it was those very grandfathers that were instrumental in turning what was once just industry terminology into household words. Most important, of course, being happy hour and plumber’s crack.

“So what’s your pick for the Super Bowl?”

“Colts. All the way.”

“Really? Not the Bears?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you think they deserve it after sucking for so long.”

“Didn’t really consider that.”

“Then why the Colts?”

“Because once, at the airport, I ran into Peyton Manning. Literally ran into him.”

“So…”

“He stepped on my toe- I was wearing flip flops- and apologized profusely. I didn’t know who it was until he was already gone**.”

“So what? A guy is polite and it’s automatically ‘go Colts’ ?”

“Yes, go Colts!”

________
* I’ve been informed that a more “hip” way to say this is “How I Roll.” However, I’ve been accused of being many things and hip generally isn’t one of them. ‘Round these parts, we operate.

**I’ve known who Peyton Manning is since the Tennessee days, of course. But in an airport, I’m less observant of the people around me, and more so trying to not forget anything in security. Also, this was years ago before Peyton was the most-loved commercial good ol’ boy/hero in the NFL. Not to say I don’t find the boy attractive, ’cause I do.

Wow, yippee!

Thanks for the feedback on the music post. I knew there was something to that whole asking nicely thing. I like just about all music, aside from extremely violent rock/metal type stuff (or whatever it may be called these days) and crude rap(ish) stuff. I don’t really like women being called dirty ho’s, go figure.

(And now, pardon me while I address all your comments right here, out of pure laziness.)

E.B. - I went and listened to some Ray Lamontagne samples. Thank you for the reminder!

Danielle - If you want to email me samples, please do. Or, tell me where I can get it. I’m thinking I like this GB Leighton deal. (justrungirl at hotmail)

Adam - Are you kidding? I adore some good banjo pickin‘. I actually do know OCMS, too, so thanks for that reminder!

Sizzle - Honestly, everything plays at some point. I go through phases- rock, R&B, blues, country, classic rock, even a little punk lately. Whatever you want to suggest is fine with me. Thank you! (justrungirl at hotmail, like you didn’t know).

Michelle - I will take you up on those preschool songs when I’m babysitting and I need to entertain!

Sister B - Those are some bendy guys, I just don’t get it. But we’ve talked about that before. (hehe)

Dawn - We could SO go to concerts together. Except for that Robin Thicke thing, because, I mean, WHO KNEW?!?

Ginger - Wow, we could totally go to concerts together, too. I’m glad I’m not the only one that still adores Tom Petty. Thanks for all the suggestions!

Bre - Cool! Thank you! I’ve only heard of Murphys, nothing from Flogging Molly or Tristan Prettyman- until now!

Lia - Thank you, I’m so checking those out! And thanks for visiting my blog!

Celina - I like some Zepplin at times, too. Takes ya back, you know? Nice variety- I, ashamedly, forget about solely instrumental stuff sometimes. Thanks!

JACC - 4 gigs? Wow. If you just want to suggest one or two, that’s cool (songs, artists, etc., not one or two gigs- teehee). Seriously, you pick. It will open my mind to something new. (justrungirl at hotmail) As I mentioned, nothing too scary. Thank you!

***********
And now, a meme. I was tagged by the fun and interesting Dawn.

1. What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why? (two sentences max)

The volunteer work I’ve done with several community organizations. It’s fulfilling, it’s interactive, and it’s over quick- nice thoughts, eh?

2. Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did? (one sentence max)

I used to have more opportunities to go water skiing- that was fun.

3. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting it off? (one sentence max)

I don’t really put things off; not realistic things under my control, anyway (changing my mind does not count).

4. What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why? (two sentences max)

These aren’t the only two things but, one, I want to learn to be a better piano player because I can think of no time in life when that wouldn’t be fabulous. Two, I would like to learn the guitar someday as I haven’t played a real song since “She’ll be Comin‘ ‘Round the Mountain” at the age of seven.

5. If you could take a class/workshop/apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it be and what would you hope to learn? (two more sentences, max)

Jimmy Buffett… because I’d like to be fiercely business-minded and intently faithful all the while living and portraying the image of carefree, laid-back fun. I’m getting better at it, but I’m pretty sure he could help.

6. What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you?

Kind.
Funny.
Impatient.

7. Now list two more words you wish described you…

Boat owner.
Wife.

(SOMEDAY! Settle down.)

8. What are your top three passions? (can be current or past, work, hobbies, or causes– three sentences max)

Being a thoughtful friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, etc.
Being part of something bigger than myself.
Running.

9. Write–and answer–one more question that YOU would ask someone (with the answer in three sentences max)

Hey, baby, what’s your sign?

Answer: Libra.

I don’t believe in astrology, really.

And that’s that. I’m not sure how telling it is, but you can sure tell what kind of mood I’m in today. I blame the snow.