I’ll never get used to coming back from a trip. I’d like to say I’m the exact same person when I’m sitting in front of this screen as I am when I traipse down a beach (even if I’m in multiple layers of clothing) but I’m not.
The person traipsing down the beach has worries and troubles, just like the one in front of this screen. The difference is, while I’m away, traipsing down a beach, everything seems a little more possible. When I’m laughing and running with friends, the responsibilities of life are just that. They don’t weigh on me, they don’t keep me up nights, they certainly don’t call after I’ve left the office and ask what drive I stored a file on (even though I sent an email stating that exact fact). They just fade a little.
Now, sitting here, everything just seems a little more heavy and a lot more there. The dates to keep, the bills to pay, the conversations I have to have but don’t want to are all here, right in front of my face. They scream “you can’t ignore us now! haha!” And all I want to do is close my eyes and take myself back mere hours to a time when I could concentrate on something else. Where decisions didn’t have to be made and life seemed pressure less. Where I seemed confident and fearless.
And maybe that’s what I miss the most. I miss the girl that lives, for a few days, like she has no cares. (Sidebar: I don’t really know if that’s the right approach, though. After all, I did get a speeding ticket and that is definitely something to care about.) I know that’s always in me, but you tell me when you see a bill staring you in the face for carpet replacement that you feel as good as when you’re eating ice cream and staring out at the ocean. It is not the same.
Of course we all know that. We all know there are ups and downs, good and bad and I think I’m good at that. I think I can take a break and fully enjoy it. I think I can write a check for a bill and well, not enjoy it but at the very least, take it for what it is. The area that needs work? Getting used to living with both. My mind believes it. My brain understands it. My heart, and the kid in me, want to lay on the floor and flail around and whine that it’s just not fair!
Part of me, somewhere between my heart and mind, between the whiner and the logical thinker knows that’s just how it is. That’s vacation. That’s friends. That’s running. It’s all as it’s supposed to be, even if paying bills sucks.
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