I feel very much on the sidelines of life right now. It’s like the team is out there, making everything happen and I’m merely watching. I’m excited for the team, we’re winning, we look great, we’re a success. But I’m just sort of there, filling the space.
I know these times in life come. I know that I’m in a unique situation with four pregnant friends, three friends or family members building or buying new houses, two couples getting married, one friend moving across the country to live with someone, and three other friends starting new jobs or careers. That is a lot. And me, well I went to Starbucks this morning.
I’m trying not to approach this as a woe is me type of story because overall, it’s not. The situations above all have their problems and imperfections, and believe me, few of them are idyllic. Still, they all seem so full of meaning and hope. It’s not that my life is without meaning or hope, far from it. It’s just getting a little difficult to maintain that on my own. Possibly to a fault, I’m one of those people that believes I have to be very selective on who I burden with my problems. In turn, I get to do a lot of thinking and planning all inside my own mind. The way things are going right now, the mind is a little over taxed.
I’ve always been pretty good at separating other’s choices and successes from my own life. I can be really happy for a friend getting married, for example, because I can tell myself “that is what’s right for them, not necessarily for me.” It’s true; not once has someone else’s new husband, new house, new job, new dog, whatever, been something I’d choose for myself. It’s a pretty logical way of thinking, for the most part. I suppose the only time it starts to get difficult is when you see all this new and all this change at once.
My first instinct is to do something about it. Of course, that’s not a solution for everything. It works for me professionally when I decide to work harder, or work on something new. It works for me physically when I’m feeling fat or slow or weak. It works for me socially when I feel like I’ve lost touch with some friends and need to catch up. But doing something about this, well it’s nearly impossible.
So I’ll just have to wait. I’ll just have to sit here, watch the game and trust that the coach will put me back in when the time is right. I’ll let the pressure go, I’ll watch and cheer and know that when the time comes, I’ll be ready.