Alright, fine. It has come to this. It has come to another end to another day where I can’t seem to find enough time. I am overwhelmed. It’s these times I feel like I’m not being a good enough… anything (insert the following terms: friend, employee, daughter, sister, runner, dog owner, etc.).
I walked around all day feeling as though I was in a bubble. Several times I had to stop myself to check and see if I was dizzy. Was the room spinning? Was I spinning? My mind feels clogged. Nothing seems to settle it. I hate that feeling.
I think it’s fear. It’s got to be. It’s fear making a short visit and I’ve got to figure out how to entertain it without letting it take over my life. I recently turned down a promotion, you see. Sure, promotions are good and include many good things like more responsibility, better titles and, of course, more money. But after a week of thinking it over, I just couldn’t get my head around the idea that I wanted it. Because I didn’t.
And when people asked why, all I could say is “it just isn’t right.” People do not understand this. They get that ‘does not compute’ look on their faces and stare at me as though I’ve lost my mind. It’s the only answer I have, though. My heart is just not in it. At some point, you come to realizations about what you want for your life. And despite having to pay for school and my ever-persistent beach habit, money is not everything. My heart, however, is. It took me the full week in limbo to become comfortable with saying that.
This decision is helped by school. I’m not going to school to move up in my current line of work. Yes, I could use this education to do so but that’s not my goal. Many people don’t know this. They haven’t asked, but I don’t advertise, either. It’s difficult to express to them that although I may be doing very good work and being a good employee (who gets offered promotions, hello!) that I want more. I am not going to be that person that tells someone that while they may be very happy with their job, well it’s just not good enough for me. So I keep my mouth shut.
All the while, as I maintain my silence and hope and pray that I am making the right decisions, I feel very alone. Yes, I have friends and family that know about my goals and support me but no one is in my head, or my heart. No one really knows this feeling, this need. I know that it is impossible for anyone to completely understand, but it feels very lonely. Lonely is the welcome mat for fear, and fear is coming in. In fact, it’s having its own personal wrestling match with sanity. My sanity.
No, of course I am not going to lose my mind over this. Of course I know it’s the right thing to do and even if things work out much different than I plan (damn good odds there, right?) I still need to follow this road. I would much rather try than go along with something where I’m okay but not fulfilled. I can sleep at night knowing I at least tried. I can do that. It’s just some days, well, it’s really hard to feel like you’re living on nothing but a dream.