I’m not one of those runners that can just power through. Sometimes I can run through a cramp. Sometimes I can run through a bad mental day. If something hurts, though, I slow down. Maybe if I have a mile to go, I’ll just push it. But this is not the norm. Normally, something in my mind kicks in and says “it’s okay, this run isn’t everything” or “it isn’t worth the injury, or the pain.” A lot of times, it just doesn’t bother me to have to slow down, or even stop and resolve to try again tomorrow.
This is true mostly during the run. During the run, I feel like I’ve already accomplished something. I got out there. I started. If it goes bad, it goes bad. I’m defiant enough to shake it off, and to place the blame. It was the run, not me. Aside from injury, I’ve never been discouraged enough to not give it another go. That is the thing about running, if you’re willing and able, well that’s all you need; and I’ve always felt like running was there for me like that. We are on the same team.
Over the last few months, though, running has been different. It’s been like this place I visit, but don’t really belong. It’s somewhere I want to go, but find myself sort of lost when I get there. Lost and sort of unwelcome, actually. Like my friend Jill feels when she visits her in-laws. Running shows me in and takes my coat, but it feels more like it’s tolerating me rather than welcoming me. We have this relationship, a relationship that isn’t going away, but we are a far cry from harmonic.
After many months this year spent in physical therapy, rehab, icing, anti-inflammatory drugs, low mileage and strength training (my second religion), I feel like things should be different. This has become annoyingly obvious in the last week. After a five mile run followed by a six mile run with a day in between, my knees started hurting again. Not that slight pain, we’re-just-reminding-you-we’re-here kind of hurt, but really hurting. And when you’re doing everything right, any kind of pain just feels so wrong. It feels like some kind of mystery you have to solve, and no one will give you a clue.
The hardest part of this feeling is that I want so badly for running to feel like home again. I want that worry-free six miler that feels like every trouble or care vanishes for those few minutes. I want that last mile to feel as though I’ve come back into town after a long day of hard work. I want it to feel like a place I’m meant to be rather than somewhere I’m just trying to fit in. It’s too much time to spend, too much of life counted out in miles, to feel like I don’t belong.
{ 10 comments }
First, I’m so glad you are still blogging.
Second, I think we all go through this. I know I did after the marathon. I’m trying to rehab myself for about the sixth time – dam knee! But, I also went back to the basics of running. Run 1 minute walk 2 and just building myself up again. I don’t know if that will work for everyone but at least I feel like I’m kind of running again. Best of luck.
I know exactly how you feel. I want that feeling that I can run and run forever, even if I stop at 5, 6, 10 miles…and it hasn’t felt that way in a really, really long time. I remember the feelings and the joy and the “belonging”…and yeah, when you do everything and it still isn’t enough…Have you tried yoga? I keep thinking it might be the key. Of course part of mine isn’t just the pain/problem I’m having but the lack of inspiration…I think watching Twin Cities Marathon and being at the expo helped though.
that must feel so frustrating. i hope something shifts for you soon.
Helllo.
Yeah, I’ve been *there* for almost a freakin’ YEAR. First I got a bad case of Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot. Then I got IT Band trouble. THEN I got PF in my left foot… SO not fair.
I have no advice, but to stick with it and wait it out. You will get better, and stronger, and you will find that home feeling again. I believe you will.
J
Oh lady, I’m sorry you are going through this, and like sizzle says, I can imagine it would be so frustrating. I hope that you keep doing what you love, and that things improve!
How frustrating. I hope that your knees start co-operating again and perhaps that will help things fall into place more.
I’m sort of going through a similar feeling of not really being at one with my exercise regime lately. The high is gone and each time it gets harder for some reason. But I’m counting on that to pass. I hope it does for you as well.
I am NOT a runner, so I can sympathize, but probably not empathize
But I think anyone would want an activity in their life that is rejuvenating and freeing, and to have it also be good for your body? Even better
I hope you get that feeling back.
btw, great new place
I can’t imagine how annoyed you must be… like everyone above has said – it must be very frustrating for you – hopefully it will get better soon!
oh justrun, that’s a pain and i HEAR you. ive had some knee issues myself, and it’s wicked frustrating when the thing you enjoy doing to just get away from it all, something you look to as such an important part of YOU, well, when it doesnt cooperate with you. i hope that your body begins to agree with you, and your strong desire and passion for running. have you thought of incorporating another exercise, maybe to take the strain off of your knees now and then, like swimming, or biking? just a thought!
This post breaks my heart because I remember how I felt in July, wondering if I would ever feel anything close to normal again. Even though I’ve been getting away with close to normal mileage, I’ve become a bit obsessed with the aches and pains, and the fear that I will end up back there again. Non-running me doesn’t have a way to vent stress, and I quickly become like a warm bottle of soda that has been shaken really hard. Have you consulted with your doctor or physical therapist lately? One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes it hurts to run when I’m working too much and sleeping too little. Do you think your body is rebelling from the intense schedule?
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