When I was seventeen, I got into an argument with a classmate because he made fun of me for talking to a certain kid in the hallway. In my classmate’s mind, the person I was talking to wasn’t popular (or cool or socially acceptable or some other word or phrase that means we’re judging someone when we use it). At seventeen, I didn’t likely take the time to realize that some judging is natural, I just defended my actions. What felt natural to me was to protect this person, and my choice to talk to them because some other person, some superior-acting jock guy, thought less of them.
I didn’t understand this then, and I don’t now. I never really spent time in cliques; I was involved in sports, did well in classes, worked part-time and had plenty of fun and plenty of angst, probably just like everyone else. I never felt like there were limits, though, and I never acted like it. So when people put limits on other people, like my classmate did, it makes me angry. No, we cannot all do everything equally, but we are not diminished as people because of that.
The part of this I struggle with most is that it still happens frequently in my life today. And I’m not talking about those natural ways we judge people because we all have the right to decide who can and cannot fit into our lives. What I’m talking about is when those judgments cross the line from deciding if we like someone to deciding that we’re more than someone. This is not okay with me. Superiority for the sake of feeling more than, and subsequently rendering another less, is wrong. And judging someone’s worthiness based on your perception of what they are and what they do is wrong. Of all the things we may question our entitlement to, worthiness is not one of them. In my mind, there is no question. If you are here, you are worth it.
But to say I’m surprised that people, grown adults, will still act like my seventeen-year-old classmate is pretty useless. What will be more helpful is to try. I can try to be sensitive to what’s going on around me. I can continue to make the decision that, while there are many, many battles to get caught up in every day, some are worth the effort. I can do that. We can all do that.
girlgoyle says:
I always start out giving people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone on my book starts out on a level playing field. I’m not one to judge a book by its cover. However, when this person externalizes behaviors in social settings to try to undermine me and humiliate me because they think they are so much better than I or that they walk on water, well…I draw the line. That’s when the evaluation begins.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:31 am
Airam says:
The world needs more people like you.
October 11th, 2007 at 2:53 am
Danielle says:
It’s too bad more don’t think that way. I know I’m bad and make judgments like everyone else, but I can’t say I’ve ever been one to rule someone out without taking a chance and getting to know them…everyone definitely is worthy, just by being, until they prove that they aren’t. And those that feel they are more worthy, are usually less so than those they judge. Very well written.
October 11th, 2007 at 6:32 am
appletini says:
The feeling of superiority that someone gets is actually a way of protecting their feelings of inferiority. It is soo wrong. I dislike people like that.
Even though I was in the “popular” crowd in high school, and even today…I talk to everyone.
Unless I don’t like you,,,and there is usually a really good reason why
October 11th, 2007 at 7:20 am
The Exception says:
My philosophy is that we are all different - each with a talent, each with something to give. No one is better than anyone else; just different. I wish I would have followed this theory in high school. I was not in cliques or anything, but I do remember not wanting to talk to this or that person because they were a bit over the top or weirder than others. In actuality, they were simply trying to express their individuality which was something to respect in a world where everyone is trying to fit in.
The Diva and I talk a lot about everyone having different talents; that no one is better than anyone else. I ask her to focus on being her best and finding security and self confidence in that. If she is comfortable in her own skin, she might not feel insecure about herself when faced with others that are different, are stronger in some areas, or when she is faced with a situation like you described.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:39 am
JACC says:
When I was in high school I was the popular kid that hung out with the nerds wich made me the de facto person to keep bullies in check. I hate this mentality. As adults I see it most when people treat others poorly based on their jobs. That just pisses me off. Someones job has little bearing on who they are as a person.
October 11th, 2007 at 8:04 am
Bre says:
Today I had a girl sitting in my office near tears because she really likes this boy but all of her friends make fun of him behind his back. She’s afraid that if she tells him that she likes him, she risks losing all of her friends.
The more people like you stand up against all of that BS, the fewer people need to cry over situations like hers!
October 11th, 2007 at 11:13 am
barbara bruederlin says:
It shouldn’t shock me that there are bullies in the adult world as well, but somehow it still does. I guess they never grow out of it.
October 11th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Nicole says:
Its sad that some people never grow up
October 11th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Database Diva says:
I had a similar experience this week, and while I wouldn’t say it surprised me, it still disappoints me. I’m not exactly treading through life on eggshells trying to avoid offending anyone, I do try to be at least a little bit sensitive to how my ideas will sound to other people. Sometimes I fail to see the trap until I’ve stepped in it, but I rarely step in the same one twice. Yesterday I got caught up in a conversation where someone I like and respect said something that was construed as derogatory by those involved. At first I thought he was being misunderstood, and that people were being overly sensitive. When offered the chance to explain his opinion, he dug a deep pit and crawled in. Sometimes I give people the benefit of too much doubt. So, if our paths should cross in the future and I say something profoundly stupid/insensitive please understand that it is not my goal in life to be the destroyer of anyone’s dreams, or to judge you as being more or less than me — unless we are married. Then I’m in it, to win it and Mr Diva is my arch-rival.
October 11th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
singleton says:
And for those that judge, especially from a distance, the cover of a book they haven’t read, they miss the most. The gift of differences. we can learn so much from others….. Then, some folks would rather spend the day socializing with their mirror, than take the chance of stepping outside their box…..Keep doing what you’re doing beautiful girl!
peace~love
October 14th, 2007 at 5:13 am
sue says:
How’d you get to be so smart?
October 18th, 2007 at 10:33 am