Today I turned twenty-eight years old.
I’m only stating it like that because if a person could ever go through an entire year feeling (and acting) like they were twenty and then, within a week, feel themselves age an entire year (or eight), that is what I have done. For a lot of reasons, I really felt this one.
About a week ago, two days before an already scheduled doctor’s visit, I found two small lumps in one of my breasts. Being that I have found a lump once before, that after further investigation turned out to not be a concern, I just told myself to relax and it would be the first thing I told the doctor on Thursday morning. Still, the next forty-eight hours would not be fun. It would not be fun to be around me, nor would I make it easy. I wasn’t mean or rude, just distracted. I wanted to listen to people, really I did, but I found myself not being anywhere completely. It was more as if I was floating just outside the bubble of my life, watching in a front-row seat.
The moment I saw my doctor, she could tell I was concerned. She examined the lumps and possibly just to reassure me, sent me directly over to see a friend of hers, a specialist, right after my appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot stress this enough: it is so very important to have a good relationship with your health care providers. Had my doctor not taken me seriously, I think I was about twelve hours from an honest break down. I just wanted to know. She knew that.
Maybe it’s because of the many people I’ve worked with in the past who’ve been diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it’s because of the two friends of mine currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Maybe it’s because I read the blog nearly every day of a heroic woman, living with cancer. I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s all-too-real for me and whatever I might have had to deal with, I was not going to wait to start.
The specialist, after more examination and breast smashing, as well as an opinion from another doctor (a male doctor, don’t even get me started on the breast-smashing weirdness of that one) I was told this was not a concern. These lumps that I found, they will likely go away just as the one before did. I was, of course, relieved.
I’d spent the days before that moment thinking and wondering and worrying. It crossed my mind so many times of how, at twenty-eight, I feel like I’ve just barely begun. There is so much more I want my mind and my body and my heart to learn and live. There is just so much. There’s a shadow of selfishness in saying that, because I know how many times the diagnosis has gone in the opposite direction. I know how many people this touches. And it’s hard to separate my own gratitude from my sadness over what’s been taken away from others. I don’t know that there are any “right” ways of feeling in a situation like this.
What those few days brought on was entirely unexpected. Over the weekend I went through somewhat of a roller coaster in regard to the state of my life. I questioned so many things, I worried about so many things. Do I spend too much money? Do I not spend enough? Am I a good enough friend? Am I good at loving and being loved? Am I capable enough? Am I selfish? Am I a good enough sister/daughter/granddaughter/employee? Perhaps this is all normal, but in the thick of it, in the moments spent in the stark reality that nothing is guaranteed, I felt lost. I felt that if right now, if everything were to change, if everything were to stop, there would just be so much I don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that I want what I have. So often we’re after what we don’t have, what we want next, and I am guilty of that. I spend a lot of time testing the waters, stretching the limits, pushing the boundaries, and why not? But what I also want to be sure I’m doing is spending my time, every moment from this twenty-eighth year forward, in a way that shows I do not take it for granted. Over the course of my years there may be very little I have to give, but I can promise that much. I want so badly to prove every day that I’m so grateful to be on this trip at all.
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If you need more information on Breast Cancer Awareness, please click here. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Please, please, ladies, gentlemen, and the ladies and gentlemen that love other ladies and gentlemen, DO YOUR SELF BREAST EXAMS.
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Thank you so much to those of you who emailed over the last few days. I am sorry I haven’t been better about blog visiting, but that should resume shortly. I’ve missed everyone!
jacinta says:
What a week for you. I am so glad it has all worked out OK, it IS worrying and at these times (as you have found) so many questions are raised. And it’s a bit of a wake up call (which can be a good thing). Perspectives alter, priorities move. It certainly makes you think about what you want. It is so great you found that what you want is what you have - that’s such a good place to be!
28 is such a great age. If I could go back, that is where I would go. Hope you had a happy birthday.
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:21 pm
sizzle says:
happy birthday. what a week! i am glad you are ok.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:39 pm
appletini says:
Happy birthday!
I am glad that everything is OK.
I think we all take life for granted, until we are slapped in the face by reality.
I too want what I have, and hope it will stay that way
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:58 pm
brandy says:
Happy Birthday! I’m sorry that you went through this, but it sounds like it has helped you take stock of your life and maybe alter your perspective. I’m pretty sure that sort of lesson is the best gift a girl can get. I’m glad you are okay, and I can’t wait to hear more from you.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:18 pm
brookem says:
Happy birthday girl. What a touching post on life’s ups and downs and the perspective that comes with it all. I wish you a very happy, healthy 28th year, surrounded by the ones you love, the things that make you happiest. Cheers!
PS- I am so glad you are okay.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:42 am
anne says:
First and foremost a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You deserve it to be a good one.
But also I am relieved to read the great news that you are in good health. Enjoy it all and thank you for passing on your story and reminding us all of how important it is - cancer scares me a lot and anything we can do to help combat that is awesome.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
October 24th, 2007 at 6:42 am
Cat Chaser says:
Anonymous:
“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”
Belated Happy Birthday to you, from the midwest. Glad to hear that “breast smashing” exam went well
October 24th, 2007 at 8:46 am
Jen says:
Happy Birthday!!!!
I’m glad everything is ok and it wasn’t but just a scare. Somethings things like this happen to make us appreciate what we have and not take life for granted. You obviously have used this experience wisely, good for you!
October 24th, 2007 at 10:12 am
The Exception says:
Happy Birthday!
I am glad that everything is okay. It is sad that it takes such events to help us to realize just how important our life is - how we are spending our time etc. But it is so nice when we realize that what we want is nothing more than what we have - family, friends, and the little things that bring us joy.
I hope that you have a fabulous year - and that there are friends, family, beaches, and adventures involved. (Not to mention a few new pair of flip flops)
October 24th, 2007 at 11:02 am
sue says:
I’m late!
Happy Birthday. I am so glad all is okay and you were able to get some peace of mind right away. (I, too, tend to dwell on things if left to thier own devices).
You have so much ahead of you and such a great attitude to go with it. Have a great future.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:32 am
JACC says:
Wow, what a scare, I’m so glad everything turned out alright.
Despite all that stress, Happy Birthday! I hope you are having a great stress free day. You deserve it.
October 24th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
runliarun says:
Oh, no one besides yourself can tell you now what you really need to hear.
28 is almost old and awfully young. Yes, in a way, life has not even started yet. I am 43 and experience is yet as young as at 16. What I mean to say: insights I have sensed when I was 16 have not yet enveloped me full force.
Life is immeasurable and life is short. My mother was twiced diagnosed with cancer, 16 years apart. I know cancer close-up, and I don’t know it at all.
My mother is angry.
Physicians, unless they are creeps who can’t get it elsewhere (and those are easy to spot) don’t see your breasts, they see a lump. You are just a case. Don’t agonize about it. People don’t pay as much attention to us as we think they do.
Live life outside of time. As long as you love, you are safe. Not safe from cancer, not immune to life, just safe from being lost.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
OC says:
Happy Birthday! Beautiful and touching post… I’m glad everything worked out for the best… hope 28 is a fantastic year!
October 24th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Bre says:
My goodness! First and foremost - Happy Birthday, Lovely!
And second - I can’t imagine how frightening that must have been. I panic every time I go in for an exam (with the scars, self exams sometimes just turn up scar tissue, so it’s a lot of “probably nothings”) so I can understand the feeling.
I’m so glad you’re OK!!
October 24th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Airam says:
Firstly, Happy Birthday!
Secondly, I’m glad that you are fine.
October 24th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
girlgoyle says:
Sheesh you had me stressing too…had to skip to the bottom of your blog to read results first. Phew…glad all is good.
October 25th, 2007 at 5:09 am
nicole says:
Happy Birthday! I’m so glad you are okay and got fast service. I have a lump and my doctor’s not concerned but is sending me for a mammogram. Since the women’s hospital is moving I have two more weeks to wait. I think it about every other moment - I try to breath and relax but it is hard. Enjoy being 28.
October 25th, 2007 at 6:03 am
Danielle says:
Happy Birthday late…I started reading this yesterday and the day fell away from me…
Breast Cancer has deeply affected my life. I had one aunt die from it and two others that are survivors, it’s on my dad’s side, so not as large of a concern for me (although it did come on the paternal side into his siblings so makes it a little more of concern) since it’s less likely to be passed down on the father’s side. One thing that just seems to keep coming down through the news and such though, is that women’s health care is not as great as it is provided for men. We have to push so much harder to get ourselves taken seriously. It’s why I’m so glad I have a woman doctor as I know she’d be more proactive on things like that. Glad it turned out OK, although I think I might have been one to insist on a biopsy just to be sure!
October 25th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Danielle says:
Oh, and one other quick thing to consider…February 17, 2008…Innagural Breast Cancer Marathon (www.breastcancermarathon.org I believe). The medals look awesome, Jacksonville, FL, right along the beach in February…think about it!! I’m really planning to go, so far haven’t booked anything, but I want to do it…I keep meaning to at least get a hotel held. I have one other friend for sure doing it so far.
October 25th, 2007 at 7:05 am
Sempre Libera says:
Happy birthday!
And I’m relieved to hear everything is ok. I can’t imagine how terrified you must have been.
And as for all those questions… I think the fact that you’re asking them means you’re ok — you’re aware of yourself, and your needs, and the needs of those around you, and those are the first steps towards living the life you want to be living (or adjusting if you’re not). Keep on it!
October 25th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Robb says:
My mom had breast cancer. She died in 1988 when I was 26. It is the disease that somehow reaches us all.
I’m glad you are fine. A very touching and powerful post.
Thank-you.
October 25th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
See Diva Run » Blog Archive » What you don’t know can hurt you says:
[...] a lump in your breast is terrifying, but not all lumps are cancer. My dear friend, JustRun discovered a lump in her breast just days before her 28th birthday. I’m happy to report that [...]
October 25th, 2007 at 11:14 pm