Today, while simply driving down the street, listening to Alison Krauss and minding my own business, I caught a scene out of the corner of my eye. In the car next to me, sitting in the front seat was a big guy dancing around and laughing with the kids in the back seat. It was cold today, so the windows were up and I couldn’t hear a thing, but it looked like they were all singing something, along with the radio maybe, and laughing. I found myself staring, not being able to take my eyes off this family. Before I knew it, the tears had welled up and the light was green. As I accelerated, I tried to think of what was wrong with me. Why did watching this thirty seconds of someone else’s life reduce me to a woman driving down the road wiping her eyes on an otherwise very average day?
I have always loved seeing dads with their children. It moves me, differently than seeing a mother. It is just as natural, but in a different way. There is just something about that presence wherein I notice a unique relationship, a bond. Beyond what any psychoanalysis of the influence of fatherhood in my own life could provide, there’s just something about a man being a dad, and not just being one but acting like one, that is very special in my eyes.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt this even more. I’ve realized how important it would be to me, should I have children, to know that their dad is the best I could have picked for them. He is not perfect (not to mention has a crazy woman for a wife) but he is right for them. And for our family.
I ask myself why a lot. Why do I think of these things? Why have I put so much energy into something that is merely a fabrication in my own mind? Am I even a good enough person to be allowed these thoughts, this hoping? Have I done too many bad things in my life to ever dream of making up for enough to get to this life? I’m not sure. I think there’s something to be said for knowing these things, though. And for being willing to work for them. For whatever reason, something in me believes we are capable of reaching a time in our lives when we know what we’ll prioritize, even with things that have yet to be. Some things, though the details will be ironed out later, are certain.
This is difficult to end. It’s hard to conclude something I feel is really being left wide open. I’d rather it be that way, though- open. It’s not something I’m able to hide well. I can admit it, there is part of my life that isn’t here and part of me that doesn’t feel 100% because of that. This is not to be confused with living 100%, I hope I am always striving for that. It is about a feeling apart from all of my immediate wants and desires, almost deeper than I’m able to explain. Some days I feel like it might be the Great Beyond, and all the while I’m hoping it’s just over the next hill.
backofpack says:
I agree, there is something about Dads, the really good ones, that just makes me smile, and could move me to tears too. I didn’t pick my husband by his percieved “Dad-ness” but by his wide open sense of life, his smile, his kindness and his humor. Really, I didn’t pick him at all, our love evolved on it’s own, and all those wonderful characteristics that made me fall in love turned out to be just what was needed to be a great Dad.
Maybe that’s one thing that changes… we have more time to think about the planning rather than getting there with someone else? I don’t know. I think there’s always a leap of faith, though. For sure.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Airam says:
Wow what a fantastic post. And one I can really relate to … dad’s are so special in their kids lives. I see the interaction everyday at my school and it really is something amazing to see. I find that I stare too.
It really is fascinating.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Database Diva says:
I am also attracted to good dads, which is funny because Mr Diva was not a very good dad until the kids were adults (he was a really good looking dad, though). After 18 years of pulling we finally got that stick out of his butt and now he is a wonderful grandpa. When I see him playing with the baby I totally forget what a giant pain in the neck he is and fall in love with him all over again. But it’s a secret so don’t tell him
Our son-in-law is a great dad. I think our son will be, too.
I wouldn’t worry about being good enough to be worthy of a family. To the best of my knowledge drunkenness and promiscuity are the leading causes of parenthood so the question you should be asking yourself is “have I done enough bad stuff?” Do as many bad things as you can get away with now, because it is really tacky to do that stuff after you have a family — at least until they grow up!
“18 years of pulling”- thanks for making me laugh.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:31 am
Danielle says:
While I personally don’t think that I will have kids. At least not anymore (at one point in time it was in my mind that I would have them) I know that there is no way I would consider having them unless the guy was good father material. A long ago ex I know would have made a great father my most recent ex, no way I would’ve had a child with him.
As far as being good enough. Well, granted I don’t know you other than your blog, but what I read and what I can tell about you, I highly doubt you have done nearly the bad things that many people who have a great spouse and kids have done.
Good point. I think that must come with knowledge and experience, knowing the difference between what you pick for just you and what you pick for a family.
November 27th, 2007 at 6:39 am
Nicole says:
Considering I’m the youngest in my family and fit being daddy’s little girl to a tee. This post is delightful. But, with that said don’t worry too much about the future (like I should talk) it will all work out and you probably won’t even be a crazy wife and I bet you’ll be a great mom - don’t you just love run on sentences.
Cheers.
It’s good to know what’s important to you. And yes, I love run-ons.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:14 am
brookem says:
This was a really sweet post. Hoping and looking forward to what is yet to come is so… powerful. And something about dads and kids, I agree, is very moving.
That’s a great comment, Brooke. Hope is indeed a powerful thing.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:26 am
anne says:
i find those whys tend to only lead to trouble. a lot of time spent wondering…
I agree. I think you have to be careful. But they’ve also led me to a lot of answers I needed. And reminded me to not ignore things I know are important.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:35 am
Jen says:
I believe everyone should get what they want, and I hope to God you get to fulfill your dream. In the mean time though, enjoy what you have. Every stage in life has it’s ups, and once we move on from that stage those ups usually don’t come back. Dream, want, wish all you want, but don’t lose sight of what is already here.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Exception says:
I love dads with their kids too. There are some men that just… are fabulous dads.
One thing I have observed in my own life is that a man might seem to have great dad qualities, but what he feels is a good dad is different than what I might consider a good dad.
Lastly, you deserve a great guy who will be a great dad. It is what you want, then it is what you should have. Keep the dream/hope alive!
And crazy moms are amazing people!
November 27th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
OC says:
Nice post. I love it when someone else’s slice of life makes you think about your own. I’ve wondered the very same thing you’ve wondered… I believe that as we get older, it’s natural to look at guys not just as “is he a good kisser? is he good in bed?” but “does this guy have lasting potential?” and part of that does involve being a good parent (if kids are in your future).
November 27th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
sue says:
Well, I have the family…and the husband who was / is a great dad… and I still tear up, so who is to say?
I always say, if it is meant to be, it will be…
Oh, and yeah, I’m definately a crazy mom. My kids will vouch.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:41 pm