When I said I needed to take care of some things, it wasn’t a stretch. I had been avoiding some things I really needed to do, words that needed to be said, because of… oh, I don’t know, convenience? Timing? Because I like to wait things out? Because hope springs eternal? I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that something that’s cloudy, and not altogether real can take a very sharp turn when you least expect it.
I have to back up a little. A little like, say, seven years or so, because seven years ago I was okay with a lot of things. I was okay with paying rent. I was okay with eating tortilla chips and queso dip for dinner every night. I was okay with knowing all kinds of people, some you’re sure will just remain acquaintances, some you might want to be more. I was okay with that. I was okay with meeting people and having some time in limbo. There was always another distraction, right? Sure, my young heart would have liked it better if that guy would have just called that one time, but back then getting over it was a given. Hope didn’t just spring eternal, she got up, went to Ross, bought some new cheap clothes and went out and did it all over again. Hope could care friggin’ less.
Now? Not so much. Though I will admit tortilla chips are still good and sometimes I wish I paid rent instead of a mortgage (hello, broken sump pump), I’m am not really into limbo anymore. I’m okay with meeting you. I’m okay with going to dinner. Heck, I am okay with not hearing from you for several days while you’re on some insane winter expedition in the Canadian Rockies. Seriously, go. And do not be the schmuck that calls me from the top of the mountain—there are other things to worry about up there, like oxygen. The thing that gets me—the thing that will always get me—is a stall. That feeling like when you learned to drive a manual transmission and you’d give it just enough gas to get going but then forget to ease off the clutch, and all that ten feet of momentum you had comes to a lurching halt. Yes, it’s that I cannot do.
I’m okay with a lot of things. There is a lot I don’t need, that would never consider asking for. At this point in my life, though still under a considerable amount of construction, I’m pretty good at me. I’ve learned to take my time, I’ve learned the difference between knowing and feeling. And even with the lump in my throat growing at the thought of how fast these years go, I still can’t say I’m okay with just passing the time.
Essentially Me says:
Great post. The older you get, the less you let just happen. Seven years ago I was definitely more willing to let things happen, even the distructive things. Now not so much.
February 18th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
sizzle says:
many are not but as usual, your head is screwed on straight.
February 18th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Nicole says:
Look I’m older and defintely not wiser. I might even be more lost than you. I wish I had some great pearl of wisdom, but i don’t. I agree w/ sizzle - your head is screwed on and it will work out.
February 18th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
anne says:
Add a margarita to the mix of chips and queso. Okay? No really. And line it with salt. Now come back. Take a sip. Breathe. Take another sip.
It will happen. Don’t wait around for waiters. They are not worth it. Keep moving forward. It will find you on that road.
February 18th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Maggie says:
I kinda had that same realization while lying on a table with my boob in a hole this last fall. There’s kinda not much to look back on when you’ve just passed the time.
February 18th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Bre says:
I keep telling myself that the one who is really worth all the effort (and who is willing to put it in on the flip side) is out there. I just can’t prove it by myself.
I’m temporarily OK with waiting, I just don’t know for how long.
It would be nice if a sudden miracle prince charming showed up though.
February 18th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Alissa says:
Fantastic Post. I remember that moment of realization, it’s so frightening yet so freeing at the same time.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Danielle says:
Oh, I soooo know where you are right now. I’ve dealt with the same thing and what I do know is that when it’s right, it just happens…just falls into line. At least that’s how it’s been for me. Games are stupid..and not worth it!! Wasting time isn’t worth it either…and I know, if only sometimes.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:13 am
charlotteharris says:
I read your blog daily and you always have something worthwhile to say. I’ll read your post and then come back the next day and read the next one. But THIS one… I will bookmark and read again. I can totally relate. At age 34 and having not quite achieved some important personal goals, I am not OK with just waiting for things to happen either. Well written!
February 19th, 2008 at 8:08 am
brookem says:
I really, really liked this post. I can so… get it. Hope that you are doing okay, friend.
February 19th, 2008 at 9:43 am
MN Sunshine says:
Oh excellent! All of it (life) is a journey, I guess. Sounds like you have come to a new place of valuing yourself in a way that will work for you now. Claim peace.
February 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Cat Chaser says:
Good post! I just need to get outa midwest, perhaps do some travelling!
February 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
backofpack says:
And, you shouldn’t be marking time. You should always, always be living life. The thing is sometimes, daily life has lots of little incidences of marking time - like today while I waited in the waiting room while my husband had Lasic surgery. Killing time, reading a magazine, but really, just waiting it out. But then, when he came out, a little frazzled, a little frayed, it was all worth it. I was marking time for him, sending beams of support and love his way. So my point is…in some ways, you’ll always be marking time but it must be on your terms, the way you want it to be, so all the little moments add up to the life you want. Does that make any sense?
February 19th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
girlgoyle says:
The lyrics from the Pink Floyd time were my senior quote. “Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”
Even then at the young age of 17 it almost seemed like it was trying to tell me something.
February 19th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
MN Sunshine says:
Saw a shirt today that made me think of you: “Hope Monger”… I think that’s a good thing.
February 19th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
JC says:
In the long run (something I know you understand) mortgage is always better than rent, lettuce wraps always beat queso and chips, and you are the only one who can decide if you’re waiting, or living in the moment. It’s your call, and there’s really no wrong answer.
Jen
February 20th, 2008 at 3:32 am
Aaron says:
Another point of view:
There is plenty of oxygen at 14k’ AND if he’s standing “on top of the world” and thinks of you, why wouldn’t you be flattered? I get the impression you’re just not “feeling it.”
February 20th, 2008 at 6:10 am
runliarun says:
You are so, so much finding yourself here. Still. Even if you are already good at you. It’s a process, and it ends only with life.
Live. Just live, just be.
February 20th, 2008 at 10:08 am
JACC says:
I’m about as subtle as a chainsaw in the pastry section, so I probably shouldn’t comment . . . but . . . I’ve also always hated the stall and it ranks high on the list of things that need to be clipped in the bud.
February 20th, 2008 at 6:31 pm