I can’t even blame the weather, but I am in some kind of funk lately that prevents me from being diligent about anything. Reading, writing, returning phone calls and, doing anything more than what is necessary has become too much to ask right now. I’m sure next on the list is personal grooming, which is bad considering I’m already behind on laundry.
This might imply that I’m avoiding things, but that’s not entirely true. I’m thinking, a lot. I think and I think. And then, when I’m finished eating peanut butter out of the jar, I think some more. I don’t quite no where to begin to get it all out, but starting somewhere should be better than this. Anything should be better than this.
Today, pre-peanut butter, post-run, all those thinking thoughts seemed to make a little more sense, and I somehow made heads and tails out of everything that’s been making the days longer and less fun than they ought to be. It’s like there is this boxing match going on inside my head. Not that I’ve ever been to a boxing match or even watched one on television, but I hear there are corners and one is red and one is blue (though I don’t remember the colors in Million Dollar Baby- my only exposure to boxing, ever. No, I don’t remember Rocky. Be quiet.).
So I’m standing there, staring out the window, post-run, pre-peanut butter, pre-shower and all I can picture are these corners in my head. The red and the blue. Much like my non-existent relationship to boxing, I hadn’t really noticed they were there until now, and I think that’s probably because they are seconds away from the sound of that little starting bell (or whatever it’s called. Be quiet.) you hear right before the red and the blue beat on each other for no apparent reason.
In the blue corner, there’s the boxer that is all heart. This boxer does not know a bad day. This boxer is strong and solid and faithful. This boxer is the one you’d go to if you needed something, anything. Blue would change your tire. Blue would let you talk for hours. Blue would keep a candle lit through a hurricane if that’s what you said you needed. Blue is not bold, but knows how to live. This is the boxer you’d want in your corner, even if that would mean moving your corner about 3,000 miles away (which you consider).
In the red corner, you have the boxer everyone knows. The boxer that is charming, winning, intriguing and kind. This boxer is the one that keeps you on your toes. This is the boxer that moves fast, so fast that it’s often hard to tell where things will end up. Red attracts you. Red is the corner that you’ve always known. Red has always been so bright, so there. Red doesn’t make things easy, though. Red changes too fast. Yet, this is the boxer you need in your corner, even if you’re not sure why.
And here I sit, with the little mallet that rings the bell. Here I sit, about to watch a boxing match that could start at any time, without even the slightest desire to actually know who might win. I want nothing to do with the mallet. I’d rather not see any of it at all. Boxing has never been my thing.
brookem says:
Hi my friend. I’m so sorry to hear about the stressful week you had (when it rains, does it not freakin pour or WHAT?!). I’m glad you have some good friends that were there for you when you needed it. Also, you know you always have this blogging outlet (but I so know what you mean about feeling like writing it all out, sometimes, just doesnt capture it all, like it should). Hang in there…
March 31st, 2008 at 7:08 pm
brookem says:
shit, i meant to put this comment on the post below! idiot!
March 31st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
brookem says:
so, this is you in a writing funk? my dear, this is beeyoutiful. written so eloquently.
here’s hoping there’s brighter, clearer days ahead for you.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
brandy says:
Well put. Such matches inside ones head would surely result in wanting to skip doing laundry and turn straight to the peanut butter. I hope you find some peace some time soon.
And for the record? I tend to eat peanut butter when I’m in ‘deep think’ mode too. It helps. I swear.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:02 pm
jacinta says:
Thinking too much can drive me crazy and complicate my mind to a point of exhaustion sometimes too. And yet, it is the craziness that goes on and the conversations one has in ones own mind, that allows you to reach into those corners and find things to write about. And you do write so well - it’s why I keep coming back!
It’s a fine balance. There’s no point fighting it, but do try and be still sometimes. I find it helps.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Danielle says:
Oh I so know where you are…it’s EXACTLY what I’ve been going through…this funk…this…whatever…And thinking too much sucks. And it’s impossible to shut off the brain. Hope you figure it out.
Ah yes…boxing. I know nothing about it either. Never watched Rocky, watched Million Dollar Baby and didn’t really like it, because I don’t like boxing…seriously, watching two grown men (or women) beat the crap out of each other…what’s the point?? Beating each other to get a ball from one end of a field to the other, that I get!!
April 1st, 2008 at 6:20 am
Jen says:
I’ve been there, or how I’ve been there. But I think it’s like you said, some things are not meant to be understood to begin with, so why try so hard?
April 1st, 2008 at 6:28 am
sizzle says:
Why does this post remind me of my dating days?
I’m sorry there’s an impending battle about to duke it out in your head.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:17 am
Cat Chaser says:
Take your chances and go with your political affiliation. If not then use that mallet on both of them
April 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
barbara bruederlin says:
Wouldn’t it get great if we could meld blue and red to make purple sometimes?
April 1st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
carrie says:
so gorgeous. so true.
wow.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:40 am