As I’ve mentioned, over the last couple months I’ve been able to lose some weight. There are, of course, a lot of things I like about being able to do that. I feel better. My clothes feel better. I run better. I eat better. And because it’s worth mentioning again, I feel better. That has got to be the best part.
I wouldn’t really call this hard. Difficult sometimes, yes, but compared to other life challenges it is not hard. (Sidebar: Perhaps this is where we insert the “it’s all relative” statement so as to not give the impression that I believe people don’t struggle with this. Believe me, I know that’s not true. Believe me and the nights I’ve spent with pints gallons of ice cream. Believe me.) For me, it’s been a learning experience. As a life-long preacher of moderation, I’ve pretty much had to confront the fact that I rarely know what moderation is when it comes to myself. (See: Upwards of 200 posts on this site regarding wanting it all.) So that I am learning. In this case—the case of my body—it is, in fact, all in my head.
That mental part, yeah, that is sometimes hard. Because when you start eating in a different way, and you aren’t shy in telling people about it, you have unknowingly opened a locked box in nearly every person’s mind where we keep our ideas about food. Specifically, in this box there are ideas that food is bad, or it is good. And then, without even the slightest effort, we are associated with that food and we become bad or good. “Oh, I’d offer you some cake but I don’t want you to be bad” or “ohhh, look, you are having cake– that’s bad,” are what we start to hear. Just as “oh, look at her, always ordering salad,” suddenly makes us good. Asparagus? Good. Cheese steak? Bad. Turkey burger? Good. Cheeseburger and margarita? Bad. It goes on and on until every day, all around you, you are doing one of two things: hearing about it or thinking about it.
To me, this is so very wrong.
Why? Because the food we choose to put in our mouths does not equal our value. I will type it again: The food we choose to put in our mouths does not equal our value.
Does this food say something about us? Yes. Do we choose it based on how we feel? Of course. Is it tied to our self image and our own perceived strengths and weaknesses? Likely. But it ends there. If you have a cheese steak, you are not a bad person. Unless you stole the cheese steak or knocked over an old lady before you ate it, you are not a bad person. Just as you are not automatically a good person for eating carrots. Still, we’re tied to this idea that what we eat is somehow going to be the direct deciding factor as to whether or not we are a worthy person. For me, that is the heartbreaking part. That, I’d say, is the actual hard part of all this.
A few pounds ago, I didn’t understand this either; however, I feel it more now. I feel it in the way people react to me when I don’t order salad. I feel it when I look into the eyes of someone who feels they’ve made the wrong choice, and how that creates an immediate sense of shame. Of feeling like you’re now defined, in reputation and in worth, as bad. I feel it all around, from so many different sources that it’s almost overwhelming. Some would say I should ignore this feeling. That we’re only to worry about ourselves and nothing else matters. Not to me, though. To me, this matters a lot—too much. Because this time, I have had success. This once. And if this were to be what makes me good, then that means all those other times I pretty much sucked, and I can’t live with that. It’s not true.
Sadly, this is a reminder that needs to come around more than once in a while. This is something we have to convince ourselves is right. What I strive to do, the habits I learn, like moderation, are things built independently of my worth. While making positive changes can often make us feel differently, they do not increase or decrease the good that is already in us. Everything in our lives from the love we have and give, to the blessings we share, and even the goals we reach might be what we associate with our value. But this, this is just food.
Danielle says:
Oh too true. I hear it all the time when people find out I run marathons, “oh you must eat so healthy” and really, no, I don’t…I love cake, I love candy, I love most sweets…I love a nice greasy cheese burger and fries (sometimes) and buffalo wings and deep fried cheese…and beer to wash it all down…but you have to moderate, and even that I’m not good at. Don’t people get that we run so we can eat cake?? Of course I am already a “cake eater” anyway based on the city I live in (town of wealthy people, and somehow I managed to move in, that “have their cake and eat it too”, my thinking is, if you can’t eat the cake, then I don’t want it near me anyway!!)
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:26 am
A-Ron says:
I choose the cheese steak, but with the diet coke.
Actually, I think you’re onto something here. Do folks over-eat because they have a low self-image or do they have a low self-image because they over-eat? hrm…
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 am
justrun says:
Danielle- “I run for cake” would be great on a t-shirt.
A-ron- I’m not always sure, not even for myself. But self image does not equal one’s worth as a human being.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:36 am
Jen says:
I agree, this is just food. I’m here by letting the guilt and shame (not that I had much to begin with) go! I am dreaming with ice cream once these three months of dieting are over though…
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
sizzle says:
Brilliant post. It rings so very true for me. Thanks for writing it!
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
backofpack says:
Good post and even better point. I get that all the time - that I must be “good” because I am a vegetarian. I’m here to tell you - vegetarians can eat total junk and still be vegetarian! I mean, fries and chocolate are my favorite foods! Danielle is right - running, combined with vegetarianism make most people think I’m a health nut. Not so much…
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:58 am
justrun says:
Jen- Three months of dieting? That would be rough on me. How do you feel?
Also, if I didn’t get ice cream for three months I’d be insane.
Sizzle- Me too, me too. Thank you.
BoP- That is SO true. I can run at any weight, even the unhealthy ones. And I can refuel with junk, which I have. There are a lot of misconceptions, that’s for sure.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
JACC says:
Everything in moderation should be a virtue.
The real virtue for me is to not open that bag of chips and sour cream and chive dip because I know how much I love the salty.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:44 am
creatingadiva says:
OH this post could not be better written…it is a great, much needed reminder and completely rings true with everything I believe (on my best days…on the worse days, not so much!).
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
brookem says:
I LOVED this post. I can connect to it so much. As with most of the posts you write!
Congrats to you for getting to where you are with all of this- that’s something to be proud of.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
justrun says:
JACC- Oh yeah, chips rule. I can’t remember the last time I bought them, though.
Brookem- Thanks, dear. It’s a learning thing, that’s for sure.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
admin says:
CreatingaDiva- Those worst days are definitely there for me, too. Sometimes I wonder if they ever really go away.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Essentially Me says:
I totally agree with this and it’s sad that this is our reality. As soon as people see me choosing one food item over another, they want to know if I’m dieting. Or if I choose something more unhealthy or want a round two, then I’m looked at with disapproving eyes. Whatever. I’m done with it. I just don’t care what people think anymore when it comes to that.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Cat Chaser says:
Like this post, but I need to gain more musle weight!
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Database Diva says:
Umm, you know that weight you lost? I think I found it. I promise to take good care of it, feed it well and not make it run too hard or fast. Let me know if you want it back
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:31 am
nicole says:
Great post and so right on. Moderation not deprivation.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
The Exception says:
There are definitely things that I enjoy eating - like you said, three months without ice cream… pure torture. I have found that listening to my body is a great way to go. My body wants fruit, I give it fruit. It loves salad… I eat salad. It is when I find myself eating to comfort my emotions or distract myself from something worrying me…
I am so excited that we are hitting the growing season - fresh fruits abound!!
(There is always room in a healthy eating schedule for pleasure and treats. Learning to enjoy our foods might actually help us eat less and get more from the experience?)
April 24th, 2008 at 7:56 am