About three years ago, every Tuesday I’d run with my friend, Lisa. Speedwork Lisa is what I’d call her, because every Tuesday would find me running 4-6 miles at a pace notably faster than my comfort zone. No way was I going to slow down, but something has to be sacrificed when you’re doing speed work, and for me it was breath.
Because I could barely breathe much less talk during those miles, I ended up doing a lot of nodding along and asking questions. (This is a little trick I have, if you’re running with me and I need you to slow down: I ask a lot of open-ended questions. Sometimes baiting you enough to go into long, emotional, drawn-out stories. I feel very tricky, and not at all bad about it.) Often, Lisa and I, both being runners and both being women, would settle on the topic of weight. No surprise to anyone, an entire run could be absorbed by our talk of flab, pants size, and diet.
I always feel like a novice compared to Lisa when it comes to fitness and weight. Not only is Lisa a faster runner than I am, she was a competitive gymnast through college, and now teaches Pilates in a studio that she owns. Lisa rules. And in the case of our running conversations and with my only natural feeling of inferiority, I drool.
During one of our last runs together that summer, Lisa mentioned she’d like to lose three or four pounds. “I just feel different,” she’d say. And I’d tell her she looked great and that I understood that feeling (probably a good fifteen pounds over weight myself at the time), though really I didn’t. Because she had no visible excess weight, to me. She had no extra inches, in my eyes. I couldn’t see it, not compared to me. I was blinded by my own excess weight, by my own “different” feeling. By my own tight pants and thighs that rubbed together. It was nothing new to my life, oh no. And it would be nothing that would go away any time soon, either.
Growing up very athletic and carrying your weight well does great things for an ego. Namely, you can ignore a lot. It’s only during swimsuit time or when you’re alone, staring naked into a mirror that you have to see the truth. The truth that is and has been for a very long time. Minus a couple bad break-ups, and a couple intense seasons of training, a little (relative word there) extra weight has always been a part of me. I couldn’t tell you my “real” weight if I tried. I have muslce, I run a lot, and yeah, I could stand to lose some weight. This has been who I am for most of my adulthood.
A few months ago, I decided I was done with it. That’s when I joined what my friends, family, and I have now affectionately named “the Dub Dub” or “Chub Club” or numerous other terms for Weight Watchers. I won’t say this is right for everyone, and I won’t say it’s right forever. What I will say is it came to me at, apparently, the exact right time and you know what else? It’s the only thing that’s worked for me. It is not perfect, and no way am I, but it has worked. I have struggled, I have cried, I have lost, I have gained. I’ve admitted more to myself than there is room for in this post. I think this will always be how it is for me—tough.
But, I have also learned.
I have learned what it feels like to have that difference. I have learned that one day, one week, or even fifteen of my sister’s best home-cooked meals does not ruin everything. I have learned that when it comes to food, the food I eat, life is life. Sometimes it works perfectly and other times you have to fight harder, and still other times you have to let it all go and learn how to pick up the pieces.
Does this fix everything? Of course not. Does it mean that I have completely stopped criticizing myself and now have all the confidence in the world? Um, definitely not. Right now, though, I’m staring down the barrel of the last three or four pounds and as far as I feel I’ve come, and as hard as I know the work will be ahead, I can’t help but think yeah, now I know what Lisa meant.
barbara says:
Three or four pounds? That’s one day’s fluctuation! Or as my doctor would say, that’s a good poo).
But just because not everybody has to lose 30 does not make their desire to lose extra weight frivolous.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Dingo says:
I hate the times, like now, when I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I have about 30 pounds to lose. Whether 3 or 30, “the difference” can be crushing. It’s not about wanting to look like a super model — just wanting to feel good in your body. Good luck with meeting your goals!
June 11th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Mel Heth says:
I’m glad you still make room for your sister’s home-cooked meals. It’s completely awesome you joined the WW, but also fantastic that you’re flexible and not denying yourself the little joys like that. Congrats to you!
June 11th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
jacinta says:
I’ve been there too, I am a true believer in feeling good about yourself, and no matter what others say, it’s how you feel that makes the difference. It’s not about how other people see you, but how you feel inside your own body.
Well done on dub dub. I’ve done that too, and (if you follow the guidelines) it works beautifully. I have dropped away from it for a while now, and the extra few kilo’s have jumped back on. Need to refocus and lose a few again. Just so I feel ok again.
Good luck with reaching your goal. It is well worth it. Feel good - you deserve it.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:04 am
Essentially Me says:
Food and I have a weird relationship. We always have, and sadly, no matter how hard I try to deal with it, I think that we always will. Maybe I just need to change the way I view things …
Thanks for the post!!
June 12th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Danielle says:
I agree with you WW is about the best program out there. It’s not unreasonable. It’s not telling you “carbs are bad” (as runners we know they are important) and it’s a great organization that works with what people do.
As far as those 3-4 pounds…yeah…we can only see the worst in ourselves and the best in others can’t we? I know to others I don’t need to lose anything, but I know what I see and I know what I need to do (now it’s a matter of doing it). But good for you on figuring it out, and good for you for realizing the good and healthy way to do it…that you can’t beat yourself up for a few bad times and a gain here and there. It will come. Good job!
June 12th, 2008 at 6:42 am
brookem says:
I think you and I are a lot alike. Good on you for finding a good balance of WW and your sister’s yummy meals and just enjoying LIFE. That’s what it’s all about right, balance?
June 12th, 2008 at 7:12 am
jc says:
Interesting that I chose this blog to read during my lunch break which was directly preceded by my WW meeting. Seriously. I got my 25lb charm today, friend.
If you had asked me when I started what I wanted to lose, I would never have guessed 25lbs. Yet, here I am, feeling better about my reflection, and my running, and my food choices - and I am not starving myself and eating only lettuce and apples. I eat pizza, drink wine. I am happier.. and yeah, I know what Lisa means too.
JC
June 12th, 2008 at 9:43 am
JACC says:
I try to trim down a good 10 - 15 pounds, whether I need it or not, every couple of years.
I feel like I may not lose it all and I may lose a little muscle and thus strength, but it’s a good conditioning exercise.
Unfortunately, this is the year to lose 10 and I really miss eating chips.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:19 am
The Exception says:
This was so well written that… believe it or not… I have no idea what to say!!
Keep doing what you’re doing. It is important to be healthy and keep the body in condition (and the mind) but the beach time and the ice cream moments… those are important too!
Like Brooke said - balance. Such an easy and simple word and yet, in life, so difficult to achieve and more challenging to maintain!
June 12th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
backofpack says:
Way to go! A friend of mine walked in the door at work yesterday and wow! She’s lost 25 lbs and looks great. I’d seen her while she was losing it, but she was wearing her old baggy clothes, and now, she’s wearing more fitted and hoo-wee, lookin’good! So put some tighter clothes and show off your hard work!
June 12th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
nicole says:
Glad it worked for you - not so much for me. Nothing works for me now that I’m a veg head - oh well. Congrats and if you could lose some pounds for me that would be awesome.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
charlotteharris says:
It is inspiring to hear you have so much success with WW. I gained 5 or 6 pounds when I cut my workout schedule from 12 to 6 workouts per week (I wanted mroe balance in my life). Now - I feel like 6 workouts per week should be sufficient, so I guess I have to cut back on the food too. I am still eating as if I was working out 12 times per week! LOL. Anywaym I am with ya on that last little bit. I have had total (heavier than me) strangers tell me to put some meat on. They won’t understand until they, too, are down to that last little goal either.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Maggie says:
I would like to say that I know what you mean, but every situation is unique. I will say that it took a cash reward and the emotional bonus of kicking the fire dept.’s ass to get me going.
I’m really glad that I did and if what you’re doing works for you, then it’s perfect.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Robb says:
I work with a guy who has flirted with WW a couple of times and enjoyed real success. He falls off the wagon though and piles the weight back on. That’s the sad part…but we all have our wagons and we all fall off.
I think it’s a great program. Forget the stigmas and stuff…it works. I’ve seen it.
Good thoughts.
June 14th, 2008 at 2:03 am
angie says:
another wonderful, tender post. thx and keep the good work!
June 14th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Josh says:
Weight and body image are really relative.
I don’t know anyone who is 100% satisfied with their body. Everyone wants to be a little leaner, fitter, faster, stronger…
The trick is twofold: 1) Be happy with who you are and 2) never stop trying to improve yourself
June 14th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Dag says:
I know for me, I am overweight, becuase subconciously I choose to be. I’m back to running now, and WW, and I found your blog gave me a boost this afternoon. Thanks.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
MN Sunshine says:
Congratulations!
For me, the list of Weight Watcher’s
CORE foods has been a brilliant insight of how to eat the foods that benefit my health, running and body.
June 15th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Girlgoyle says:
I think we are our own harshest critics. In seeing your profile picture I would never say you needed to lose even one ounce. However I totally agree about the “feeling better” but the question is, when do you reach that level in which you are finally comfortable being who you are?
June 18th, 2008 at 6:33 am