I feel like I have about a billion things to accomplish today. I tossed and turned most of the night thinking about them– who needs sleep when there’s worrying and planning to do, right? So I woke up every thirty minutes or so half annoyed that I couldn’t sleep and half wanting to jump out of bed and start getting things done. At about 4:45 this morning, having decided last night not to get up and run early today, I told myself whatever, I haven’t slept in something like ten years anyway, why start now? So I got out of bed and threw in a load of laundry and then cleaned the bathroom. Insanity breeds productivity, what can I say?
Along with all there is to do today, I also feel like I have so much to talk about here. Like another bacon-like product I received from a fellow blogger (y’all are so thoughtful when it comes to me and bacon), or the emails I received about being 1) “a stupid bike rider,” 2) “a selfish princess,” and 3) “an irresponsible dog owner.” (Sidebar: Seriously, what is the Statute of Limitations on criticism of old blog posts? I’d really like to know because something I did 6 months ago that was more funny than serious should really not be the topic of a five paragraph email now.) But, I don’t feel like there’s time to get into any of that today. Besides, there are serious things to worry about today. I have serious things the Internet must help me with today.
Here’s the deal: In two weeks I have to drive a tractor. Yes, a tractor. For a hay ride.
First, let’s not get into how country that sounds because I can just imagine the emails now (”I always knew you were a redneck”). There are more important things I need to know about this task right now. Like, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DRIVE A TRACTOR? (Sorry for my language, please send emails to justrunjustlivejustbe [at] gmail [dot] com. Subject line: Your Tasteless Redneck Language.)
A little background on this: My friends are having a huge summer party at their ranch. This is only the second [annual] party so logistics are still being sorted out. Last year, for instance, I showed up and rode horses all afternoon. I dragged about eleventy billion kids on and off a horse and shuffled them around a small pasture for a good portion of the afternoon. It was great fun, and something I was totally comfortable with. It was also around the same time last year, some may remember, that I earned my spurs. Yes, with the horses I’m well and good by now.
But, this year is different. This year in addition to my horsing (what? not a word?) duties I have been asked to drive the tractor for the hay ride and here’s the funny thing, I’ve never been on a tractor in my life. I have stood by them. I have seen them in far off fields. I have admired a farmer or two from afar (what? you know you have too), I think I can even correctly spell John Deere, but never in my life have I wanted to or even dreamed of climbing up on one of those machines.
So, here’s the question: what do I do? How do I do it? My friend insists it is a simple task and says “you’re not going to be plowing fields, Lesley. Chill out.” I’m glad he has so much confidence, but that’s not going to help me. I need to know one, how on earth I’m supposed to do this or two, how to look really graceful and cute flying off a machine I have no business being on without getting killed. I’m totally and completely serious.
Help.
Dingo says:
Oh my. I’ve driven a tractor that was pretty straightforward - like driving a car. But I’ve also seen tractors that have tons of bells and whistles. They look like airplane dashboards. I hope you get the former and not the latter.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Mel Heth says:
Just don’t hit the gas and knock down the barn. That would be really embarrassing. I’m sure you’ll do fine once your friends go over the logistics with you.
Who the hell are these people emailing you?! I seriously wonder why people actually feel the need to contact strangers and spew their negativity all over the place. Just stop reading the blog if you don’t like it! Sheesh!
June 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Robb says:
Easy. I learned about 2 months ago. If it’s a diesel, hold the key for 30 seconds to warm the glow plugs. Then crank ‘er over.
There should be a throttle lever on the right near the steering wheel. Give ‘er a shot of juice, til it revs up to about 1.5.
It won’t move until you push the pedal with your right foot (engage the clutch). The brake pedal is on the left. Got it?
I find it easy to control the thing just by using the right pedal. I’m going to shoot a video, load it on YouTube and email the link. Okay? It will be fun!
June 24th, 2008 at 10:24 am
JACC says:
“Insanity breeds productivity, what can I say?”
We are related, aren’t we?
What is it about you that brings out random emailers wrath? I just don’t get it, I can beone of the more offensive bloggers and no one ever sends me hate mail.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
backofpack says:
I’ve driven a tractor, and it seemed easy. Of course it was probably something like a 1962 vintage (though at the time, that wasn’t vintage). Now you need to look up Kenny Chesney’s song “She thinks my tractor’s sexy”.
I’m amazed that you get emails like that. I don’t get nasty emails, neither does Eric. What’s going on?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Cat Chaser says:
Heres the quick run down:
1)Go to a local driving school and inquire about off-road tractor driving lessons.
2)Check with the local comminunity college, they may offer courses on “How to drive a tractor” or their library should have manuals/books, read them and rent a tractor practice for yourself ( at night on somebody else’s farm ).
3) Only after exausting 1 & 2: Hire a farm girl/boy to teach you.
Fianlly take a pic of yourself on the tractor and post it on your blog
I hope this helps
!
June 24th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Josh says:
Two words: Crop Circles!
June 24th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
MN Sunshine says:
“Things I have never tried to do”… I never thought of listing “driving a tractor” !!
“Insanity breeds productivity” is a gem; my Mom would have liked that.
Regarding weird e-mails: that is what “delete” is for.
June 24th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Jo says:
Within the last few months I have managed to throw caution to the wind and take a couple of risks. Um, but driving a tractor? I won’t even drive the riding lawn mower. Something about an unsheltered motorized thing with blades. Wait..not all tractors have the blades dragging behind it huh…
Maybe you’ll be okay.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Jacinta says:
A tractor - sorry, no help from me. All I can suggest is try and get some help from some passing farm boy!
As for the waking at 4am and wanting to get up and ’start getting things done’ I do exactly the same thing. If it’s before 4, I try and sleep again… after 4 - what’s the point?
Love the line “Insanity breeds productivity”. This is perfect.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:49 am
charlotteharris says:
Oh! I have driven the tractor at my Grampa’s a bunch of times. It is so easy. Just be smooth and patient in order to avoid a sputtering motion. There are like 3 speeds on the throttle so just keep it in the slowest and you can’t possibly go wrong. Most tractors are automatic so you don’t have to worry about stalling. Have fun, and take a pic for your blog!
June 25th, 2008 at 5:22 am
barbara says:
Oh you’ll have fun! I used to know how to drive a tractor, but that was about a hundred years ago. I do recall that there’s a clutch, but as long as you don’t have to back the trailer up, you should be laughing.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Danielle says:
I have been on a tractor but never driven one…considering I’m not even really capable of driving a manual car, I don’t think a tractor is in my feasibility!! Not to mention it scares me the size of them!! Good luck!! At least for a hay ride, the tractor shouldn’t be too large…why in the world are you being expected to drive it though? I’d think after horse duties you should get to enjoy the rest of the day including the hay ride!
June 25th, 2008 at 8:43 am
swimlappy says:
Maybe you can get there early and practice? I hear its just like driving a stick…but I have no experience myself…
June 25th, 2008 at 8:54 am