I hate the head tilt. You know, the one people do when they ask a question, you give an answer and they’re immediately pittying you? That one. The one that makes you want to shake your head like an Etch-A-Sketch and remove that sad, sorry image from the person’s face.
Do you know when I hate this the most? When it’s followed by the Are You Married Question. (Yes, that is a title, and everyone knows it.) The Question has been part of my life for at least the last ten years. Yes, I know that would only make me not yet 19-years-old when that started, but I used to have this air about me that made people think I was older. Now, it’s not so much the air as it is the wrinkles, and the yelling at kids to get out of my yard. But that Question has been fired at me almost non-stop for most of my adult life.
Which, yeah, I understand this. People are curious, they ask. They have good intentions– some of them even go with the response of shock: What?! How is it possible that a girl like you, what with your level of intelligence, incredible sense of humor and shiny, flowing hair is single? HOW, I SAY! (Okay, so maybe they’re more thinking that than saying it, but I can tell.)
What’s difficult is this– us single people? Most of us do not have a satisfactory answer to this question. We tell the truth and say ” I just haven’t met the right person” or we lie and say “oh, my life is just too busy right now” but either way, none of it sounds good. Not to the people hearing it, and, honestly, not to me. Maybe it’s just old, maybe I’m just old, but when I get this question these days, I’m tempted to give a much longer response.
Like I’ll tell them about how walking my dog I see this other dog standing by this guy standing by this Jeep and normally I’d just notice this and move on, but on that day I thought oh, he’s sort of good looking. Please, let his dog run away and run over to my dog and let them love each other. And then maybe this is something he’s amused by, and maybe something that makes him instantly ask for a woman’s phone number. And maybe, even though his dog is a big dog, he secretly also likes smaller dogs and bends down to pet my dog and this makes him say forget about calling later, let’s go have dinner right now. And who cares that she is wearing rubber flip flops and her hair is a hot mess, I want to know this person right now. And in my head I’ll imagine that I do not care about his shoes or hair either (seriously not a care-about-the-hair girl) and hopefully he doesn’t mind the terrible use of run-on sentences, because I want to know this person right now.
But I’m thinking that answer, as much as it is true for me, is not something that would go over any better than the “oh, still looking” response I’ve become such a pro at giving.
I try not to live in too much of a fantasy. I mean, ten years ago, a lot of unreal scenarios could have been possible, if only in my mind. And I’d say yes to all of it, because opportunity was on my doorstep. Heck, it was on every doorstep. Doorsteps of places I’d never even been. But it’s different now. Although I’m probably twice as good at turning down these “opportunities” just because they’re there, the fact is there are also probably half as many chances to actually do it.
So maybe I should be listening to these people, these question askers. Maybe I should be trying harder to diagnose myself. To forget those guy-standing-by-the-Jeep scenarios and just get on with it. I don’t know. I didn’t think I was missing opportunities, but without venturing out each day actively looking, maybe I am.
Maybe all this time I’ve only been telling myself to just go with the flow for no good reason. Relax and don’t get excited could be the wrong approach. Still, it’d sure be helpful if I had something to get excited about.
Danielle says:
I so know where you are with that question…and the pitying response “oh, you’ll meet someone” umm…yeah…What gets me about it though, is why is that so important? You know the new response I offer back though, when people ask, I tell them I will date again when they can show me a decent single man without a lot of baggage!! That stumps them!! None of them know decent single men, so it helps them realize hmm…maybe THAT’S why she’s single!
July 8th, 2008 at 5:25 am
The Exception says:
I dislike that question nearly as much as I dislike my friends determination that I “need” to be out there looking and that I “need” to get married and that because they are and I am not, they know that I “must be” lonely, which I am NOT!
Luckily, having a kid leaves people with the impression that, at one time, I was married, so I no longer get the “why aren’t you married” question except from men. I have started asking them, “why don’t you tell me?” Which they can’t do. They know, as well as I, that it is about timing and opportunity, and chemistry, and all the other little things that have to click together in just the right way for it to happen.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:33 am
sizzle says:
I understand the mentality to not get excited, to relax and go with the flow. It’s hard to get your hopes up with dating then have them beat down with the harsh reality that is the dating scene. Dating is difficult and emotional and time consuming. It’s exhausting! Who would want to get their hopes up?
But . . . the hope part? That’s like the best part. Maybe you can find a balance between the two?
July 8th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Dingo says:
This probably sounds hypocritical coming from someone in a relationship but I’m all about hypocrisy these days so: People seem to think that if a girl/guy is not in a relationship she/he must be 1) unhappy about it 2) desperately looking. They don’t leave an option for 3) if it happens, it happens. And this pressure by society to pair people up is what makes single people seem to think that they HAVE to be with someone. But of course, we’ll fight gay marriage because we don’t want those people to have someone (for those of you who don’t know me, that was sarcasm).
Being in a long-term relationship and not being married get’s the same question. When are you getting married? You know what? Why do we need a piece of paper? Does the fact that we are not married make our relationship any less than someone who is married? If so, why?
Okay, I’ve totally taken your post on several tangents and have turned it all back to me, me, me.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:26 am
brookem says:
Amen sister. You and I? So, so alike (other than the “not-care-about-the-hair” girl part!).
July 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
charlotteharris says:
Oh the questions continue, they just change shape. I keep hearing lately “when’s he gonna propose?” and it makes me very upset. I actually start thinking “yeah! when IS he gonna propose” when just the day before I was happpy with the pace of things. It isn’t until someone comes along and puts doubt in my head that I start to wonder what’s wrong with the way things are. Folks think they’re being cute and/or conversational, but… argh! I can tell by your blog that you are AWESOME and datable and when it happens it will happen. And I hope it goes exactly like your guy-with-a-jeep fairy tale!
July 8th, 2008 at 8:18 am
backofpack says:
I have a friend who stayed single till 38, then met a wonderful guy. They’ve been married 18 years now. I say, no worries, wait for the right one. He’s out there! And by the way, if he didn’t like your dog, then he’s not right at all.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:43 am
a life uncommon says:
You know, I think the Ark is to blame. I don’t believe we all need to be marching on board two by two! One is enough! (I so understand your deliberations).
July 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Mel Heth says:
Please read this in a granny voice: When I was your age, I felt the exact same way! All my friends were getting married and I was completely frustrated with dating and feeling hopeless.
My sister talked me into the unthinkable right before my 30th bday. She made me go online. And I did it with an “I don’t really care” attitude and ended up having so much fun! Most of the dates were bad - but they were an entertaining distraction - and gave me great stories to tell to the people who were asking me about being married.
Even if you don’t try this approach, try try try to have faith that he’s out there. Because he is. And he likes little dogs.
July 8th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Aaron says:
Do you need an answer? Are you operating on your timeline or theirs?
(Unfortunately, women are more subject to these questions then men. If a woman gets our age and isn’t married, something is wrong with her. If a man isn’t married, he just hasn’t settled down yet.)
July 8th, 2008 at 10:19 am
jc says:
yeah, i feel you. I get this too. I have started answering this question with “I haven’t met anyone good enough” because like you said - that, in this day in age, is just totally believable., and in my case, TRUE.
Also, what is it about guys with jeeps?
jc
July 8th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Essentially Me says:
When I get the question, I tell people that I don’t think I want to get married.
You should see the looks on their faces when I say that! It shuts them up alright!
July 8th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
girlgoyle says:
they say people always want what they don’t have and they are sooooo right. I’d say go with the flow until it feels right.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Jacinta says:
Apart from anything else, I just can’t understand WHY it is that people seem to think that you can’t be happy/fulfilled/complete without someone by your side. Huh? And the head tilt… aye aye aye! It’s such an unnecessary gesture of sympathy.
If you DO WANT to meet someone, I got some good advice some time ago from a friend that is simple but true… Let family and friends know you are ‘looking’ and what you are looking for (you never know who they might know)… keep an open mind… meet lots of new people… be open to new opportunities and situations… And have fun.
And if you DON’T want to meet someone? keep an open mind… meet lots of new people… be open to new opportunities and situations… And have fun.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:42 am
JACC says:
I thought you were married to the sea.
Yaaaar.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:09 am
skinny says:
I was nearly 36 before I got married & ended up serving him with papers on our 4th anniversary(not on purpose, but a cowinky-dink) Now when people ask if I am married and I say No and they ask Why… I tell them my truth. Marriage is a legal binding contract and until I have a legal reason to get establish that binding contract, I will not get married.
Peace & Love to You Girl… And if you want, tell those people your truth.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am