Today I wore a sweater that was not form fitting. It’s one of those flare-at-the-hip-to-either-look-cute-and/or-hide-a-girl’s-muffin-top deals. Seeing as form-fitting and I don’t usually hang out in the same sentence, this is not really that unusual. I sort of like some things about this trend with clothing that allows me to move without flashing people. Does that make me old? Well, it sure feels like it. And you know what else feels awesome? Three people asked me if I was pregnant today. All strangers, which I find particularly odd, but that’s probably just because all the people I know are aware that asking me that question is asking to be punched without warning. So, three strangers asked me if I was pregnant today.
I told them all no, of course, but after the third one considered just stuffing a throw pillow under my shirt and calling it good. Because whatever, people need to start holding doors for all women, not just the waddling ones. I have little tolerance lately and while I’m still not okay with going into it I will say that for 8-10 hours a day it is really difficult to be in a good mood. So, add that to being congratulated on “growing a life in your body” and you can pretty much see where this is leading.
After drinking a lot (kidding, Mom) I now have a ridiculous need to prove that I am, in fact, young and cool and completely not pregnant. For reasons I may not have realized until this very second, I have made comments and/or had conversations with people about 50 Cent. The rapper. And that is all I know about him. That and once, in 2003, I was jetskiing off the island of Oahu with some friends and 50 Cent (and yes, I must type it that way because I honestly have no idea how to spell 50 the 50 Cent way) and his entourage or whatevertheheck come over to our party barge on this power boat and ask if they can jet ski with us. We are four women and one drunk Hawaiian guy and all a year or less out of college so we say sure. We had no clue who he was. We spent four hours on the party barge with 50 (seriously, is it Fiddy?) and two very large body guard-looking men and a couple very nice women before the youngest friend among us says “oh my God, THAT’S WHO YOU ARE.” And the magic was pretty much lost after that.
I have no idea where I was going with this, as it appears that I wasn’t always old and clueless, I was young and clueless, too.
Three weeks ago I had dinner next to a man called Timbaland (again, no idea) in downtown Denver. My friend and I talked with the table next to us as we were all close enough to reach into one another’s plates and complained about the slow service and the weak drinks. And then they left and then our waiter told us who it was.
So, no, I am not pregnant, I am still very cool, and I hang out with rappers more than any other type of celebrity. I think this is where it’s appropriate to insert the words you’d better recognize, fool.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Right on Sweetie you tell them! First of all, you are cool period. Second, I’ve had those comments too. I resond with yes, I’m 10 years along. That usually shuts them right up. And think about it-if folks are gonna ask those kind of questions, that should allow us to park in the ‘for pregnant people only’ spots, right? OK OK Haven’t done it yet but am seriously thinking about it.
Dontcha just love those sweaters? I do.
OMG! This is way too funny! I once asked a co-worker if 50 was a local rapper. So, I might be cooler than you. Funny though I actually hang out with rap stars to – one a pt, and once nelly when i was still a STL girl but never on a boat! so, you are by far the coolest girl ever!
See, when you are about 100 years old like I am, you can wear those tops and nobody even dreams that you might be pregnant. There’re advantages to being old.
I’m not sure what the hiphop equivalent of 100 would be though? Hunnert?
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! Ha! Jetskiing with Fiddy(?) at dining with Timbaland. You are my new hero. Pregnant or not.
I’m certain they just noticed you have a glow about you.
Oh my god, (and not OMG) Lesley, your post made me laugh out loud (and not LOL) so hard. Is it really ‘Fiddy’? I’m still laughing.
I remember when a relative of mine was pregnant it was so much in her ‘realm’ that everyone and everything had to do with babies. She asked the lady next to her in line one day, “When are you due?” “I’m not pregnant.” was the response.
I’ve been pregnant. Four times. It is what it is. People enjoy showing it for some reason. Maybe it’s a conversation topic for others who think they recognize it in others. I just know it’s all so much better to read in your blog with my glass of wine. I’m still laughing out loud about ‘Fiddy’.
So… if you are pregnant it’s likely the love child of rapper. Excellent.
heh.
jc
what’s a rapper?
heh heh
You’re killing me. HA HA. Timbaland is good from what I’ve heard of him with Missy E. I wouldn’t recognize him or 50 Cent.
Oh man. I’m late reading this but I’m still shrieking about it. Do I have a ton of 50 Cent on my ipod? No. But I do have some. And I have some Timbaland. But I suspect after reading this story my jealousy comes from the fact that you saw these people in fancy restaurants and while jet skiing. The last fancy meal I had came with a toy. I need a holiday. Let’s go jet skiing together.
If you really are pregnant, will you name your child after Fiddy? Maybe TwentyFive? Or Quarter? Or Two-bit?
Funny story. I can totally picture 50 coming over to party on your barge.
This is the best post ever. You totally crack me up. The new empire waist stuff and other bubbly tops are such a blessing and a curse. They hide things fantastically but they do resemble maternity tops. Don’t think it was you – it was totally the top. And the blindness of the people delivery comments. Word.
i know the sweaters you’re talking about. i have a few shirts like that and got asked the preggo question too.
sucks.
keep on listening to that 50 cent you sassy gal you.
wait, woa. i guess i missed that you hungout with fiddy/50/fifffty? cent?! wowza lady!
I have a whole drawer full of preggers sweaters. come winter, they’re pretty much all I wear, and if people think I’m a (oh-so-chic) young mother-to-be, so be it. And I don’t think I would have recognized the ole half dollar either.
You are hilarious. And so so so sorry about the pregnant comments, I’m sorry that is just wrong.