This past weekend a drop-back run was on my marathon training schedule. For those unfamiliar, a drop-back run is a shorter run of ten or twelve miles that falls in between weeks of longer runs, like 18’s and 20’s. Not all training schedules include these weeks, and not all runners feel they need them.
I, of course, do need them. Aside from the physical break, which I more than need (more like I should probably just stop running altogether but I’ll get to that another time) there’s a mental break. I think any time an athlete —recreational or otherwise— is training it becomes clear that you’re not just training your body, but your mind as well. Subsequently, my mind needs breaks. I cannot go 16 weeks straight without some sort of reprieve peppered in so that I don’t go crazy. After all, this running thing is supposed to keep that from happening, not encourage it.
So back to it, I ran twelve miles on Saturday. And, it was not that much fun. In fact, it felt like a lot of work and slow, really slow. It’s been over a month now since I decided that I could either accept this training for what it is or stop it altogether. Well, I accepted it at that time and while I knew what was ahead, it’s true what is said about, well, almost everything: you don’t really know until you get there. You don’t really know what it’s like to travel in an airplane until you’ve done it. You don’t really know what it’s like to jump off a diving board until you’re in the water. And you don’t really know what acceptance is until you’ve run eighteen miles, then twelve the next weekend, and then start staring down the barrel of twenty. (Sure, I could compare it to last time but that doesn’t help me. It was either too long ago or, as I’ve said before, it’s one of those painful life choices that somehow activates a very skilled selective memory. They’re all different, at least they are for me.)
It’s there, with registration long paid for, flights reserved and hotels arranged, that I’ve started asking myself if it’s worth it. I really don’t know.
There’s another element to this, and that’s the rest of my life. Along with not feeling the best about running, I’m also not doing my best around here. Somewhere in the last few months, I’ve let things slide. And whether that is my own opinion or shared, it’s true. I’m nearly 100% certain that this has everything to do with my nine-to-five situation and the fact that I’ve perhaps found the worst time in my lifetime to try to transition.
I wish I could tell some stories, I really do, because then I think a lot of people would understand and respond by saying “oh my gosh, that’s bad. I completely understand why your posts aren’t the same.” But I can’t and wouldn’t bring myself to do that, for a lot of reasons, foremost being I am still grateful to have my job and, believe it or not, the people I work with.
So that leaves me here, drained, phony, and a little less a person (from the perspective of this website) than I’ve been in the past. I’m trying to get back to that, but I just don’t know.
{ 17 comments }
I’ve definitely gone through stages where I was just done with blogging because I had nothing to say. I’ve thought about giving it up – did for a couple of months back in 2007, but I’ve always come back, with something to say… even if it is only important to me… I guess I feel like there are friends that I’ve made that I can’t just walk away from and it isn’t much of a friendship if I’m not talking too, so I always keep going. OK, so now I am rambling, but I guess I wanted to say, I understand…
(PS – where is your marathon??)
I would hate for you to quit blogging but maybe you need the mental break. Take some time off (but still send me emails!) and come back refreshed. Or, you can use the blogging to help you get things off your chest. Even if you can’t talk about things and have to be a bit vague, it’s sometimes helpful just to write about it.
As for running, I think the marathon is putting so much pressure on you that the joy of running has taken a backseat to training. I know that now that I don’t have a marathon ahead of me, I’m really getting into the running and not the “training.” Sure, I still want to run a half, or even a full marathon but right now, I’m just enjoying running again.
If we’re talking about acceptance, maybe you need to think of running’s place in your life right now and accept it for what it is.
I thought about stopping my blog as well – my posts are short and dumb lately. Running for me is sad.
Take time for you, and know we are all here for you. If you just want to come and hang out you can stay with us and we can watch people run or run around and see them.
I think you’re being a tad harsh on yourself. You’re going to run a marathon and you’re going to finish it. I have 100% confidence you can do it and that alone is a huge accomplishment. Completing it in a certain time is nice, but it’s not as tough as the path to get there and complete it.
It truly is amazing how a marathon can be a metaphor for the stuff happening in our lives. Shake it off and you’ll be fine. I know you want to blog about work, but can’t. You’re wise to know this about yourself. Chin up!
Don’t worry so much about the training – find the joy in your runs. Think about how strong you are – to run 18 or 20! Think about how the air feels sliding over you, how the mist feels, how flowers smell. Look at trees budding, stop and take pictures. Ease into it, you’ll be fine! And definitely give yourself those mental breaks – we all need them!
We’ll still be here one you get back to yourself. I understand that feeling all too well and am sorry you’re stuck there right now.
Sounds like you’re going through a little bit of a slump. I can relate. Sometimes life and my job just get to me and I think, where the hell am I going? What am I doing here? Is this really me?
When I start to feel that way about running I know that something has to give. In order for me to mentally be there enough to train for a marathon, I really have to want it.
I’ve tried training for one before when I felt that way, and I ended up just being depressed with myself and of course, not running the full 26.2.
This time around it is different, because my body and mind are both on the same page, and right now–I think it’s the only thing that is keeping me sane.
Find something that you truly enjoy and focus on that, then usually everything else gets better (or at least not as bad).
You do what you have to do girl, and don’t feel like you need to explain yourself to anyone. 12 miles, in my book, are awesome any day. You will rock that marathon, I just know it!
Lady, it’s all about balance. If your stress level cup is overflowing and your downtime cup is empty, you gotta make some changes in the way you’re pouring.
Could you switch from the full marathon to a half? Or cut anything else in your life out so you can spend some more time nurturing yourself?
YOU need to be your number one priority – despite what’s happening at work or with running. Life is too short to be uncomfortable and unhappy.
Being different does not mean you’re less of a person or that you’re phony. Change is hard, and mostly sucks., but you’ll be you when you come out the other side, and no one that knows you will like you any less.
Hang in there., treat it like your marathon, one foot in front of the other til you reach the finish.
jc
I totally know where you are coming from, as you well know!
Feel free to email if you like, I would love to return the favour if you just need someone to talk to who is the other side of the planet and won’t tell anyone your secrets or worries. Take care.
I love drop-back runs! They are THE BEST! I seriously could not train for a marathon without them.
Enjoy 12. 20 awaits. (evil grin)
Remember, once you pass 20, you will have passed “the wall”. And that’s something huge to celebrate.
Maybe you need a little island time. I know I sure do. Do you want to ditch all responsibilities for a while and meet me at a beach somewhere? (I’m only a quarter joking)
oh lady, i understand that “stuck” feeling too. keep doing what you need to do, and know we’ll be here when you’re ready to write about anything and everything.
The fact that you have stories you could tell may be testimony to the reality that whatever is going on is not just about you… and that could be a blessing.
Cherish who you are.
Thank you.. I appreciate your kind words.
You have a beautiful spirit….
Wishing you well.
My gmail is not sending tonight.. can’t seem to make it work.
I absolutely know what you are talking about in this one. I knew that marathon was coming up and even my last 20 didn’t happen…and the 16 I wanted at least last weekend to give a little more confidence didn’t happen…and I’m looking down the barrel of one of the most prestigious races in our world and so under trained it’s not even funny.
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