Of course Grandma helps, too

A couple of days ago, I woke up thinking “why?”  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of energy on things that can only be described as a waste. I will try not to complain about work any more here. For one, I know it’s not smart to get into that, and two, I don’t want anyone else to be annoyed with me.  Because, really, my family and friends can hardly stand me any longer.  They are troopers and have been listening to this a lot longer than I would have, but I can’t help but thinking how disgustingly tired they must be of listening to me complain, day upon day, about the way I’ve come to dread my nine-to-five.

So, I’m trying. Because something I dislike so much shouldn’t take up any more of my life, or anyone else’s. Typing those words almost has tears welling up in my eyes, but I suspect that’s due more to it being Sunday night than the idea of not complaining about it.

The reality is, there are more important things.  Like in two weeks, I get to make a run for it. Albeit temporarily, but I’ll still be gone and even better, I’ll get to be among friends.  This afternoon, I spent some time with my grandmother.  She loves talking about my traveling with me, and I, of course, love to talk about it. I was trying to explain to her how lucky it seems to have found friends all around this world, not to mention friends that really, genuinely want you around. Don’t ask me why that seems like such a novel idea to me—I’ve never been a recluse—but the idea that people actually want to be in my life and want me in theirs is pretty remarkable.  There is something about knowing people have a choice, and knowing they choose you that makes me feel very lucky.

My grandmother, who has made more real friends in her life than anyone I’ve ever known, reminded me of this. Recently, I’ve realized some things about a friend of mine. Most important being that she is not a nice person.  Outwardly, she is. And up until very recently, she had been nice to me. But when it came down to it, that wasn’t enough. I don’t need to go into it further, we have all been there. It’s difficult, but I realized that I was spending way too much energy on something that boiled down to a waste.

I was afraid to do it. I was afraid that we had too many ties, too many connections and shared too many mutual people and spaces. That fear kept me trying for a long time. Up until that last moment. But ever since that moment, when I made that decision to put a stop to it, I have never seen things more clearly.

It’s amazing the peace and reassurance that comes with waking up and deciding what’s worth your energy.