Why I Go

It is, in fact, three full days until I get to board a plane and I am probably more unbearable than ever. I’m certainly not going to sneak this trip in on anyone. I’m not really talking about the trip itself so much as with every little task or challenge that comes along, I’ve already got that smug attitude that says sure, drag this out for a few days, I DON’T CARE BECAUSE I AM OUT OF HERE, SUCKERS.  Not a thing annoying about that, right?

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I deserve this trip, because who the hell deserves a trip to the Caribbean?  People who’ve fought in wars? Yes. People who’ve battled cancer? Yes. People who are going through hard but normal life transitions and can hardly spout off a sentence without complaining about it? Um, no. Not so much.

But I will go so far as to say I’ve earned it. That much I can stand behind, because, well, travel is expensive but I haven’t bought a purse or a pair of shoes (minus running shoes) that cost over $40 in years, so there’s a balance to it. Or at least in my mind. At the end of the day, when we work hard, it is a privilege to know we can afford to have some comfortable things around us.  Things we like, love even, no matter what they are.  For some people, that comes in the form of a bag or a shoe.  For me, that comes in the form of an entire sea as warm as bathwater and a little rock in the middle.

I get asked often why I keep going back. Why I’d want to go to the same place, over and over again. I can’t explain it. If I could, I’d drag everyone who asked with me and show you. I’d pull you out onto the beach, rip off your shoes and make you stand in the hot sand and stare out into the impossibly turquoise water. I’d force you outside at night to listen to the chorus of the breeze and the crickets and tree frogs. I’d walk you around all day to meet people, and get to know them. I’d drive you to the top of the most insane hill and gasp at the view right along with you.  And even then, you may not understand. But I do.

There’s a little place there for me, where I can go and stand and feel as if I’m at the absolute end of the earth. And in that spot every trouble I have disappears, every dream I have floats around me on the breeze. Every breath there reminds me of how small yet instrumental I am amongst all the pieces of this world, and to never take that for granted.

JVD, 2008

And so I go.  Again and again, I go.