Yesterday my grandma called me at work, to ask me some very important question about Avon, or why I haven’t ordered Avon lately, or perhaps had I heard that Reese Witherspoon likes Avon, I’m not sure. All I know is when my grandma calls I stop whatever it is I’m doing and talk to her because she’s on the very short list of people whose phone calls I never want to ignore. Serious. It’s like her and Willie Nelson, except I think Willie forgot my number. Which is understandable.
We talked for a few minutes and then, interrupting herself, which she is known to do, my grandma stops cold and says “what’s going on?!” as if she just heard a bomb go off and is convinced I’m keeping this information from her. Well, of course, I’m at work and so my answer is I’m at work. “Is that all?”
Yes, that is pretty much all. But I didn’t realize that when I answer the phone at work I must sound like I’m answering the phone from a mortuary. Apparently I’m very quiet, subdued, whatever, which would be fine except it’s markedly different from how I used to be. I’ve been wanting to blame something for a long time, and work has fit conveniently into that place, but I know the problem is me.
Is there some sort of crisis a person goes through at twenty-nine, because geez, that is so cliche that even stating it’s cliche makes me want to puke. And is it really a crisis if you’ve been going through it for ten years, figuring out what you’re supposed to be, deciding what to do with your life. Is it really a crisis if it’s intermittent, and you spend a lot of time convincing yourself you’re on some certain path only to wake up some days going what the hell? And is it a crisis if you, as opposed to doing it at an acceptable time like, say, WAY BEFORE NOW, wait until about two months before you turn 30?
I couldn’t even tell you where this is coming from, except that it’s sort of become the thing that drives me crazy but then I ignore it hoping it’ll go away, sort of like cleaning the bathroom. But then it just gets worse, stinks more, and stays on my mind constantly. I mean, who knew I’d even have these thoughts right now—that they could happen at the same time I’m thinking of margaritas, and shoes, and quadratic equations.* Not me, definitely not me.
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*I only think about two of these three things regularly, obviously.
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P.S.
It doesn’t change after you turn 30.
This might not help but honestly? 29-31 were my hardest years by far. It’s like I cracked open so I could rebuild. I am MUCH BETTER because of it but it pretty much sucked hairy donkey balls at the time. For me, it was like every singular pressure I had felt my whole life sat on my shoulders to the point where I crumbled under the weight.
Things changed drastically for me after that but in a very good way. I’m hoping that means I got my mid-life crisis out of the way early?
um. Well, from a guy’s angle…work does make you different. Don’t panic. Take another beach vacation. Forget Avon too. I’m sure you’re beautiful without it. ;D
Ah, the curse of the introspective soul – meta-cognition (thinking about what you are thinking about). Or, just the curse of the worrier… either way, you’ll come through it okay. I can’t say that I’ve been through it, because I haven’t, but I have known people who have. (How’s that for a sentence?) On the plus side, you are very aware of yourself and your life and this shows you are not just cruising through with blinders on – and I have to believe that’s a good thing. You’ll get there, where ever there is, really you will. And, I’m pretty sure it’s the margaritas that are making you think of quadratic equations.
I’ve gotta tell you, I went through many of the same thoughts when I turned 30. And again at 40… who knows where the path is meant to lead, or what you are ‘meant’ to do with your life. Just whatever it is you do, make the most of every minute you can…
Enjoy the margaritas!
I think we are always questioning…heck 35 hit me this year…:( I am definitely NOT where I thought I’d be at this age…and hanging out with the people I did this weekend, well, makes me wonder about things, but oh well it’s time for changes!
I think it does get easier once you clamor over the 30 hump. The 30s are good…but I think that sense of continual crisis might just be Life. It certainly seems to creep up on me every now and again – usually just when I think it’s gone.