I’m going to be pretty revealing in this post, if only because I can think of nowhere else to go right now. I’m at the point where it’s either spill the crap or go lie in bed with a bottle of wine and drink under the comforter until morning. But it’s early, so why not do both?
This was a big day for me and because something in the back of my mind tells me to always cover my ass (the voice of my mother, perhaps?) I’ve been nothing but vague about this until now. My apologies. Last Friday, after a ridiculous string of events that occurred throughout the afternoon, I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor, clutching the telephone in my hand, cheek-to-tile, crying. They weren’t huge, dramatic sobs, but rather more desperate and exhausted. I can count on one hand how many events in my life have made me drop to my knees in desperation, so this was pretty big. And I don’t recommend seeking these things out.
After I picked myself up, something came over me. You know when you’re putting water into a container like, say, a child’s swimming pool and the water slowly seeps around to cover the bottom completely? And as you watch it fill up, you see that last available dry spot just before the water takes over and then, just like that, it’s covered? That’s how that feeling was for me. It was like that one spot that had been waiting for something to fill it was finally covered. And then the water kept pouring in and made everything even and complete.
In this case, though, instead of water filling that empty space for me, it was action. I reached some unexplainable yet obvious-to-everyone-else place in my mind where it was like, of course, that is what needs to be done. Today, Internet, I quit my job. I quit my job without having a solid, full-time gig lined up. I quit my job without having married a millionaire. I quit my job without having won the lottery. I just quit it, to maintain my health, my sanity, my life.
Over the course of the last year, it has been no secret that I’ve not been even near remarkably happy in my situation. A few times recently it’s come to the point where people that love me have sat me down, took me by the shoulders and simply asked WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. I WANT LESLEY BACK. (There is no way to communicate that other than all caps, just so you know.)
The hardest part is, I know I’ve been different. I know I have been hard to live with and frightening and even if I’m okay 90% of the time, that other 10% screams through like a damn freight train. Which is so very unfair to the people on the platform, the people I love. It’s also terribly unfair to me, especially being that I’m the person that can actually do something about it.
So, today I turned in my resignation. It felt right when I did it, just as right as it did in those moments on the bathroom floor with the water filling in all the dry spots. This was the third morning in a row I’ve opened my eyes and felt good about the decision I’ve made. That feeling of action, of progress, it’s unmistakeable. It’s what I’ve been waiting for.
It is also absolutely scary. Who quits their job in a recession? Who quits their job with only a very loose Plan B? Apparently, I do. And I know for sure that it’s the right thing, because the fear of the unknown is far more attractive than the dread of the present. That? That is everything right now.
Jacinta says:
Amazing. And brave. And terrifying. And exciting. And I am in awe. And I just found a quote (I do love a good quote to express what I am unable to express so eloquently!)…
“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.”
Author Unknown. May be a bit corny, but it is true afterall!
Congratulations on taking the leap. It’s the right thing to do and now things will start to happen. It’s so much easier to find new direction when you start moving. Well done.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
backofpack says:
Scary but good! Your heart and your head are telling you the same thing, and that feeling when you wake up every morning is confirming it. New and exciting times await you - have faith, it’ll come! My husband and I both lost our jobs last spring, and now we both have jobs we love even more - it really does happen! Best of luck with all your plans - you will be fine.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
NGS says:
Oh, how courageous!! I wish you the best of luck, both at finding a new calling and returning to the person you want to be!
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Jen says:
Good for you!!! I don’t know why I thought I had read recently that you loved what you did work wise, I guess I was confused. But seriously, good for you for getting out of a toxic situation. This hopefully will be me next semester, I can’t take my current boss for much longer.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
anne says:
Go you! Go you! Got you! You totally can do this.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:00 am
dadshouse says:
I quit my job years ago, with no plan. I just couldn’t take it. I drifted for a few months, then found something new. I honestly cannot say the new job made me happier - I had to find happiness for different reasons, and find them within. I’m better now than then, but I’m definitely still working on that part.
Keep the faith
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:03 am
barbara says:
You did the only sensible thing. Sure, it’s a recession, but there is always a reason not to leave a job which makes you miserable. If it wasn’t the recession, it would be something else.
And obviously you know this was the right action. So pat yourself on the back and know you did the right thing. The right job will come along. Or you will create it. You will float.
For the record, I had an eye twitch for half a year in the last job I had to quit. It stopped the next day.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:41 am
brookem says:
i can tell that you made the right choice. big hugs to you!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
LiLu says:
Good luck, hon! I know you’ll be fine. Better than fine, in fact… the joy of being free will carry over to your interviews and land you the perfect job, I know it!
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Robb says:
A job is only a job. Your life is so much more. Welcome back Lesley. You are brilliant.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Randy says:
You did what was in your heart, and you have a great heart… I’m excited for you!
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
MN Sunshine says:
Congratulations for choosing You!
I have a flash of anger about whatever made your job … abusive?!… for a person of your skill, intellegence and many gift.
You are dear.. May you find a place where you are valued. Wishing you the best.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Christine says:
I’m so NOT accustomed to quoting Marilyn Monroe, but I had to look up the attribution for this quote that has always stuck with me and was surprised to find it was spoken by her. I lurk reading your blog and was compelled by your courageous entry to share this with you…
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” –Marilyn Monroe (who knew?!)
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
sizzle says:
Who does this you ask? YOU DO! And I think it’s pretty fucking brave and awesome. Of course it is scary but it is scary in a good way. And like your last sentences indicate, this is a far cry better scary than the daily dread.
I can’t wait to see what great things are lying ahead of you. I know they are there.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Mel Heth says:
I am so proud of you. I feel like maybe we’ve had a conversation about all this before…but maybe it was just in my head.
There is no reason - even financial reasons - to keep working somewhere EVERY DAY when it makes you miserable. This is your life! You gotta make sure it’s a happy one!
And I truly 100% believe that everything is going to work out for you. When you trust your intuition and follow your heart, even the scary leaps (where you can’t see where you’ll land) end up okay. I quit a terrible job before the one I’m in now and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life.
Cannot wait to see where this new chapter takes you! I will drink a glass of wine in your honor tonight.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
The Exception says:
I am so excited for you!! The hardest part is taking that first step and then… it is remember that good feeling, the feeling that you followed your heart and did what you had to do… and the trust that everything will fall into place just because that is the way it works.
You are awesome… and what you did requires strength and character!!
November 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am
nicole says:
A bit belatedly: so many congrats to you. Sometimes taking that leap — even when terrifying, even when you’re not sure where you’ll land — is absolutely the most necessary thing. And I have complete confidence you’ll land on your feet and pick up running straight away. Sending you luck and good thoughts from SF -
November 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
k says:
I say congrats! When I left my good paying, stable, enjoyable job to come back to school, my father couldn’t understand why. I told him that I saw what my future would look like, and I didn’t want it - it wasn’t fulfilling enjoy. He told me that no one loves their job (this coming from the man who hated his last 10 years of work) and I pointed out that my mom does. I was leaving a job (that I liked at the time!) because I knew life was too short to stay there. I think that so many people stay in stable things (relationships, jobs…) because they are afraid to make change. I give you tons of respect for leaving something that was leaving you so unhappy. I’m sure that everything will work out just swimmingly too! (Can I ask, what did/do you do at your job?)
November 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am
angie says:
i support your act of courage and bravery. and integrity! and please know there is always a couch in atlanta for you!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Danielle says:
Wow…I’ve been way behind but wow…I’ve been there. I know the feeling of hating a job, and getting out is the best thing. And something better really does come along. Now is a scary time though and wow…you are brave. I’m going to have a drink to you this weekend!
November 11th, 2009 at 7:30 pm