Yesterday, for the first time since probably the beginning of the year, I felt like running here at home. I ran once, about a whole 1.5 miles, on my trip last month and it reignited that feeling in me, that feeling of actually wanting to run just for the sake of running. And then, yesterday, I felt it again. It was kind of awesome. Now, thanks to being largely uninspired for the last several months, my endurance has suffered. So, I run a couple miles right now and it feels like enough. But some day soon, when the weather warms and I can imagine being outside for more than ten minutes, that mileage will be longer. I hope.
I know just about everything I write these days leads back to one thing, my currently unemployed life, but I cannot seem to find a normal state wherein I talk about puppies and the weather right now. Instead, it’s always an extreme of either ohh, life is good! Look at me, enjoying the moment! or OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, I’m going to be living under a bridge soon! There is rarely an in-between time when I feel like I can think about, oh, I don’t know, THE FUTURE. Instead it’s all right now, right here, survival. Okay, survival is dramatic. Maybe it’s more about just getting by.
This is a funny feeling, though. One I didn’t expect. Instead of being in a bad situation, in a place in my life and career where I couldn’t think about the future due to one set of constraints, now I’m in a good place, a more free place, and yet, I still cannot get past the next couple months. I can’t plan for the fall, because I have no idea what I’ll be doing then, where I’ll be, if I’ll be getting by.
You could argue that none of us knows the answers to things like this, and you’d be right. We don’t. But the added insecurity caused by turning your life upside down takes that one step further, and so I guess I’ve learned once again that moving on to better doesn’t necessarily guarantee any degree of certainty.
Which is why when I felt like running yesterday, and then when I ran, it felt so good. Not only did I think “yes, this is good. This is how running is supposed to feel,” but it helped me remember that in time, the bigger, more pressing things in life can feel that way, too. One day, probably sooner than later, I’ll be able to see more than two miles into the future.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
that’s such a good feeling… getting back out there. it’s also inspiring- not just in our running lives, but in relation to everything else too. i get you.
Great post. Great perspective. How long has it been, anyway? I think it always takes several months for this stuff to work itself out. It’s so fantastic you’re able to find joy in the process. A lot of other people aren’t able to do that.
I ran this week and felt a mixture of annoyance and relief with it. At first, I didn’t want to go, but then I remembered how good those endorphins feel after awhile and when you’re done. Huge help.
The not being able to plan because you don’t know what lies ahead is the hardest part, I believe. So after a while you have to make plans regardless.
Yes, philosophers throughout time have aimed to “live in the now”. We search for it when our days are full and we have an arm long list of things to do. And here you are, right in the middle of it.
Scarey no doubt… but then, I think it’s safe to say, had you been scared of the unknown, you would still be working a crappy job that made you miserable.
You are moving forward and the future is there for you to take the path wherever it goes. It might only be able to see 2 miles ahead, but it’s looking far brighter than what lies behind you.
Sometimes I think that short-term point of views are a form of self-preservation, you know? And that when we’re ready to look at the long-term, we will.