I don’t think I’ve ever driven around this city more in the last ten years than I did last week. Everyone I know, or everyone related to me either had a car in the shop, or a scheduling conflict, or needed carpool help and a kid shuttled from here to there. I never mind this sort of thing. I don’t. And the moment you say you don’t mind this sort of thing is the moment it seems like you’re complaining about it, which I’m not, but I know it’ll seem that way. Because there is no good way to say I like driving 400 miles in a week with no single trip being over 10 miles and have anyone believe you. So, there. I’m not complaining, but it came all in one week and that was the hard part.
I am the available person right now. I get that. I mean, if I needed a ride or some help I’d certainly call the person who I know is no longer tied down to an eight-to-five office job. It makes sense. It’s just needing to be here and there and everywhere multiple times a day at certain times, and responsible for other people’s time… well, I am not good at that any more. I have fallen out of practice.
All this time, throughout these months, I’ve been doing my fair share of waiting. Sure, I’ve worked, too, and had some fun, and brainstormed— Lord, the amount of storming in my brain anymore. At the same time, though, I think I might have forgotten to just be normal in day-to-day life. I’ve been so scared of letting this state be normal, because OMG, IT CANNOT BE NORMAL. I cannot afford for this to be normal, for one thing. And so I don’t even know what I do anymore. I just pass the days, trying to be productive, knowing more about what I don’t want than what I do want, dealing with rejection, and ideas that don’t work out all the while telling myself to keep the faith.
But what if this is it? This is all there is? I made a decision that was good for ME but bad for the rest of my life, and this is what I get. This is it. I have to deal with it, because it’s totally possible that leaving what was bad had no promise of leading to what was good. It’s totally possible that dreams are just dreams and some people are just meant to have little sparks of forward motion and are never really meant to get there, where ever there is. We can all say it’s not so, but that is how it works sometimes.
I don’t know. I enjoyed helping the people in my life. Being able to do that is a blessing. I would do all of that again. I just don’t know how it’s all supposed to be related, and I wonder if it’s not. All I really know right now is that I have a car with an empty gas tank (don’t worry, as of now I can still afford to fill it), and a furnace that decided to stop working last night, and a house that’s roughly 58 degrees. It’s a bad time to be 58 degrees.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
58 degrees, that’s like sleeping temperature in Canadian. I assume you aren’t sleeping all the time. Is it time to call in some favours from others, preferrably amongst the furnace repair people in your circle of friends?
But is does seem like dreams are sometimes destined to remain dreams, doesn’t it? I’m starting to suspect that myself.
‘It’s totally possible that dreams are just dreams and some people are just meant to have little sparks of forward motion and are never really meant to get there, where ever there is. We can all say it’s not so, but that is how it works sometimes.’
Ok, so way to hit too close to home (especially on a Monday morning!). But yes. OMG, a million times over, YES. How on earth are we supposed to know?? And I guess that sometimes the not knowing is good, but most of the time? It’s just exhausting. And you said this way better than I ever could. All I can do is send you virtual hugs and tell you that I *hope* it all works out the way you dream it will.
I forget where I read that every person you encounter is another link in a golden chain of your good. Or something like that. Meaning, maybe one of those people you helped will return the favor in some unexpected way. The universe opens doors when least expected.
Maybe the fact that you enjoyed helping people is some sort of clue. Maybe the next step is something where you help people but still have time to pursue your passions.
I’ve been unemployed for chunks of time twice in my life. Both times, I ended up nannying to make money. I loved doing it and it enabled me to write. Maybe there’s something like that for you?
Before I started my current job, I was feeling like things would never fall into place – so I resigned myself to applying for work at a local coffeehouse (so I could continue writing). A couple days later I got the call for a job I have loved for 5 years now. You never know what can change in a day. Keep the faith.
I’m with dadshouse. You just put a looooooooooooooot of good karma out there… and I know it will come back.
It *will* get better. I have confidence!
Don’t give up yet, and don’t let panic get the best of you. Just keep your eyes open for opportunities and be ready to leap on them.
And hey, maybe take the time to take a job you’ve always wondered about but never done. Personally, I’ve always wanted to change the candy in vending machines, just to see how they operate on the inside.
I admire the courage it takes to leap. And you did that! I have faith it will all work out.
I think you and my friend Kimberly should read each other- both quit jobs on purpose to pursue something greater budding inside. I will send you her link.
Taking the risk is always worth it – I have faith – and I like the gold chain idea suggested by DH… Hang in there and know that it is March… warmer weather is nearing!!
(My house was down to 46 when the power went off last month… It was hard and yet some how kind of fun! Go figure)