I will never be that person in a room that’s constantly level-headed when everyone else is in chaos. Sure, I have my moments. I don’t panic nearly as often as I used to, I can handle an emergency (anyone’s blood but my own!*), but I’m not built for constant. I think I’m either far too passionate or far too crazy. Some days, they are one in the same. At the same time, I still find a way to remain rational and I think that makes all the difference.
And if I had some spare cash to bet right now, I’d put it on every single one of the people who love me saying “That’s part of the reason we love you” because, thank God, those are the kind of people I’ve been born to and attracted in my life. The people that know I have those moments where I just cannot think straight, but also know that it turns out for the best in the end. Which is why the mixed yet reassuring reactions I get when I share my feelings about my current situation are both predictable and really helpful. Note to all: Crazy people like hearing what they want to hear. And I hear it a lot. I’m lucky.
Nonetheless, I have a feeling it makes very little sense to anyone, really, when I’m one day freaking out because my house is freezing and HELLO! it is still winter, and a couple days later—still with no heat, but getting there—I’m full-on into life and thinking that not only will it all work out, but it might just work out exactly how I hope, and better.
Right now, in this weird, yet totally possible, Hope/Dream Blueprint in my mind, I’m not at all near the point wherein I can share and feel okay about that. It’s fear or insecurity or something, I know, but nonetheless, I have to keep it to myself. Also, there are now many people reading this blog who are close to me (geographically) than ever before, and if they see me on the street in this relatively small city, I am too scared of them asking “so, how’s that plan of yours working out?” I have no where to run, and I’m okay admitting that.
What I will share is that I feel really, really strongly that even with my fear and the craziness that comes out in the freak-out moments, there have been signs and reassurances all around me that this, what I’m planning for, is right.
That rational part of me knows that there’s also a rational part of other people that wants to make sure I haven’t totally lost my mind, and to them I will say, despite my love for doing these things in the car, I have no plans of singing, dancing, or any other performance art for which I’m not gifted or qualified. Isn’t that reassuring?
Even though the future is uncertain, we can all sleep well knowing that much.
*I know it’s gross, but it’s true.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
You do performance art in the car? Please tell me there are no flames or knives involved.
i feel like i could have written this post.
im behind you all the way in your plan, even if you’re not willing to fully disclose it, i just have this feeling it’s something wonderful.
Crazy is the way to be!! You just keep being yoruself and believing and I have no doubt it will all work out fabulously well!!
Ever read SARK?
I saw performance art in a car once.
At least I thought that’s what it was.
It was quite a performance in any case, with the car shaking about and all. I do not recommend that while driving, but we were stuck in a traffic jam, so I guess it was okay.
You make me feel all excited – like oooooh what’s she up to?! Looking forward to the day you’re able to spill the beans.
Love the energy of this. Wishing you delight.
I’m wanting to know more, but good on you for getting this off your chest.