Luck

I have probably become far too philosophical for my own good around here lately. It’s like once a week I have these deep thoughts that have to be purged and so I do and then I think wow, how can a person not look crazy after all of that? And anyone who’s kept up is probably thinking the same thing. Working, then not working, then working again, then not so much working. Happy, then not happy, then happy again, and then still happy but also thinking way too hard and so then sort of unhappy. Oh, poor me, with the luxury of worrying about happiness. I know.

But of course life hasn’t stopped amidst all of this, and if I took the time to write out in detail everything that’s going on, it still wouldn’t really matter because crazy things happening and major life challenges just don’t take a break. I mean, I’m talking long-lost relatives calling out of no where craziness. I’m talking weird, weird news and phone calls. It’s weird, y’all, and I still don’t have a permanent job/career move happening, so everything else feels pretty unsettled. Except for the fact that I am still overwhelmed daily by just how OKAY I feel about everything, it’s hard to express that without sounding like a crazy person. Like someone who’s living in a fantasy and has lost her mind completely and who’s going to end up in a bad, bad situation.

And while those thoughts cross my mind, I just don’t think it’s going to get that bad. I can’t explain things like this, and I guess who can? But when you say it out loud, to people who don’t seem to understand quitting a job and losing income and pretty much putting everything you’ve worked hard to have in 16 years in jeopardy, then yeah it does sound pretty crazy.  But you know what? I am healthy, my family is healthy, I play Scrabble with my grandmother and I do her chores so she doesn’t have to, I spend time with family and my adorable nephew, I have hikes and long dinners with friends, people to support me, and over all life isn’t just good it is damn good. It’s like hitting a jackpot, except that jackpot is filled with everything except money.

It’s a roller coaster, pretty much daily, because I know that this can’t go on forever. And I know that while there is every possibility of a very good road, there is also the same possibility of a very bad road. I guess the only thing I know for sure is that the difference between those roads is, apparently, faith and paying attention.  Everything I’m doing or have done has probably not been the right thing. I get that. It’s been risky and stupid and, in a lot of opinions, crazy. I could very well be (for lack of a more intelligent phrase) screwing myself for the rest of my life. It’s true.  But right now, looking around me, looking at the immediate minutes and hours and days ahead, I don’t feel screwed at all.

I just feel lucky.