For the Win

First, let me just start with this: my mother has a new found love for the Internet. Since my last post, she now loves everyone, and says thank you from the bottom of her heart, and is convinced that the entire blog world is all nice people with nice things to say. Let’s just allow her to live in that world. Okay then.

A few years ago, I remember listening to the radio as some deejays whose names I cannot remember were talking about someone whom I also cannot remember, and they said something like “man, that guy pretty much wins at life.” Apparently, this guy, probably a celebrity and/or professional athlete, had everything these guys thought life was about. No doubt money, talent, stuff, good-looking people surrounding him, a huge career, and maybe even a really cool dog. I don’t know.  The part that stuck with me was the “winning at life” part.

I remember thinking about that when I heard it, and how relative that is, and how yeah, that guy at that moment probably was winning at life that day.  At the time, I didn’t have quite the same attitude. For whatever reason, probably just a side effect of being in my mid-twenties, I didn’t feel like the biggest winner. Not to say I was a loser, but I will admit the better part of the last ten years of my life were spent two ways: either getting somewhere, or thinking about how to get somewhere. Not unusual, right? I mean, who doesn’t think about that when they’re 25, and clueless, and too caught up in their own head to realize they may not actually even like any of the things they’re spending all their time doing? I know I wasn’t alone. In short, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I wasn’t winning at life.

I believed I was on my way, sure, but I was still too stupid to realize what I do now, that the win is mostly about me.  And you guys, I don’t know if it’s just summer or how awesome I feel every day just to be able to enjoy it, but right now I am so all about the win. I mean, I’m not even kidding, I go around doing laundry, and planting flowers, and running errands, and doing dishes and the entire time, every day, I just cannot believe how much I love it. It makes me want to scream, in a good way, that I love dishes. I don’t even understand that sentence.

The weirdest part is, I have all kinds of reasons to not feel this way. I mean, this is the Internet and there are things I cannot talk about right now, but trust me when I say that pretty much everything is weird and new and uncertain at the moment.  I have tried several different paths, sometimes it feels like a million different paths, and nothing, NOTHING, is working like I thought it would. I have reasons to crawl into bed in a ball and never leave. But that urge, it never comes. And no, I’m not drinking more, nor do I have any drugs, prescription or otherwise, which I did seriously consider in the past.  It’s so weird, because that urge, that feeling used to come. It used to happen all the time. I have no idea how I learned to live day-to-day like this, and have faith, and know that everything I dream of is somehow in the process of working out and it’ll somehow go just how I think it will and also, not at all how I think it will.

Does any of that make sense? Because, people, I don’t think I have any other way of explaining it.  Every day just comes and goes, and I am hard pressed to find anything wrong with any bit of it, even the scary parts. The future is just there, and I am just here, and neither “place” is fighting the other.  And I win.