Oh my gosh, I am such a backslider right now. Backslider? That is a word you can use in place of hypocrite because hypocrite just sounds so… harsh. And I made a decision a long time ago to not be harsh with myself. So, backslider. Because yesterday, on the first day of the year, some things just hit me. Hard. And I guess that is life… because I baited it all by saying I really had nothing to resolve myself to do on January 1, 2012.
Then my neighbor let her dog poop in my yard, right in front of me.
I got angry. I really did. Not at the dog, of course, but at my neighbor. And I scowled, and complained loudly and slightly maniacally to my mother whom I was on the phone with at the time. Which is when it hit me, that maybe I shouldn’t be getting so angry on the first day of the year about poop, of all things. Over the last year it has been increasingly important to me that I try to have love and compassion for all people, not just the ones who make it easy, or the ones I’m related to. All people. I strongly feel this pull, like I would confidently bet most humans do, to love my neighbor. I know this is the right thing in my heart, truly. I know that our worth is wholly equal, no matter what. But like many others, it is a challenge for me. And here I was, on Day One of 2012, SO VERY MUCH NOT loving my neighbor.
And, yes, many times I have had the thought and then been able to move on from it. But not yesterday, yesterday it haunted me and when something like that haunts you long enough, experience tells me it is for a reason. So, first things first 2012: Love Thy Neighbor. Like, the difficult ones especially. Because I know I’ve made it difficult for others to love me, often.
__________
I’ve been practicing yoga routinely for several years now. I am better for it, of this I am certain. It challenges me, physically and mentally, which is good, but also… hard. And one of the hardest poses of all of yoga for me comes at the end of a practice session, when it’s time to do nothing. Savasana is the name of the pose, and all it means is lying on your back, eyes closed, and being in the moment. Over the last few months it has become harder and harder for me to take that time. I am already thinking about where I have to be, or whether I will get a shower before everyone else crowds the locker room, or a million other things that really don’t matter, and in which a few more minutes won’t make a difference.
So Saturday, on the last day of the year, I decided I would start taking that time. That it was not only part of the class itself, but that it would lend intention to other parts of my life. Often times I find myself only taking time to be still when I have already gotten to the point of being overwhelmed. I’m not so cool with that. So on Saturday I lie there for a full 11 minutes (it turned out), eyes closed, pushing away the worry of what was going on around me. And you know what? Everything was fine. Better, even. So, I will Be Still in 2012. Ahead of time and on purpose.
___________
Also, yesterday, somewhere between being with family (and being unexpectedly hurt by one family member) and coming home to do laundry and clean the house, I noticed that I was attempting to escape from those feelings of disappointment and, just, blah by imagining something different for the future. While there is nothing wrong with imagining a future, of course, I don’t really think it should be used as a way to not deal with the now. And life has kindly spoiled me in this way, too, as it does just keep getting better and better so why wouldn’t I escape to the dreams of what’s to come? It’s fulfilled me beyond my expectations in so many ways so far.
But it also hit me that even if this is all there is, even if these moments now are as good as life will ever get, I have so much to be grateful for. I want to live and love right now as if this right here is totally enough. Because it is, more than. So now I have the intention to start acting like it. Even if I know the odds, even though I know life does get richer and more rewarding (and harder, amirite?), I won’t forsake what I’ve got right now. I will be grateful as if this here, right now, is the best life.
Here’s to 2012! Thanks for being here with me as I backslide a little, but mostly move forward.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Love all of it! I want to steal your resolutions and put them on my list!
Great goal and I think most of us could use the same goal. Enjoy your stillness and life! Happy yogaing.
Happy new year, friend! I am with you. xo
Poop is a justifiable offense over which to get angry, I think. Actually, it’s not so much the pooping, as it is the lack of respect behind allowing one’s dog to poop at the neighbour’s. Loving thy neighbour has got to go both ways, after all.
But more in keeping with the spirit of the post, I received your lovely card and it cheered up my day!
I have trouble being still. I want more of that too. Mediation always helped and I want so desperately to make it a priority this year. But it’s the 6th and so far I haven’t meditated once. I will though. I WILL.
Thanks for always inspiring me.