I have spent 2012 in kind of a fog. Well, a funk is more like it but I really don’t enjoy the word funk to describe mood. It is a fog, and it’s floated heavier and lighter over the last couple weeks. It started on January 1, when a few things with a family member just didn’t go well, and it has kind of snowballed from there. I am worn down.
About 10 days ago my right knee became painful and it didn’t go away. Now, having a heck of a past with knee injury, this isn’t altogether strange. So, because I am supposedly older and wiser instead of running a marathon on that knee (*cough*twice*cough*), I instead backed off my activity and tried to take it easy. Well, the knee pain sort of came and went but really what it was doing was traveling. My lower back began hurting just over a week ago, and then it moved to my upper back, where it resides today. Thursday of last week I actually had no pain whatsoever, but that was apparently a freak day because I have had back pain in all the days before and since. I am still taking it easy, only taking yoga classes and not practicing intensely at all in those. I haven’t run, I haven’t been to a bootcamp class. Nothing.
But the pain persists, or if I wake up feeling okay, I hurt more as the day goes on.
I don’t need to tell anyone that pain can pretty much ruin… everything. Your attitude, your day, your relationships, your plans. You name it. I have a renewed feeling of respect and empathy for those who live with chronic pain and still manage to function and maintain their lives. If that is ever my case, I want to be locked up. Honestly. I am not doing well after a couple weeks, no one who isn’t a professional should have to deal with me if it gets worse.
The other (bigger?) difficulty with 2012 so far is that I have not felt like myself. Or, more accurately, I’ve had a really hard time deciding what that even is right now. There is not an easy way to say this, because I don’t blog about romantic relationships and so I suppose I haven’t had practice? but I recently decided to end one. And it doesn’t feel good, of course, but I do know it was right. It was two people realizing they were not in the same place. I sort of hate that description “not in the same place” but it’s all I’ve got. Not right is not right, whether it’s people or place or time.
I think if we get into anything with long term intentions— relationships, jobs, homes— we find a way into fooling ourselves that you can really plan for the future. Maybe it’s not so much the plans but the feelings they give you that allow you to relax? And so when something ends, planned or abruptly, it is more the idea you were steering what was to come that you have to let go. That is what I’m telling myself. It’s not a wholly bad experience, learning these things. In fact, I haven’t really cried or been at all distraught over it like a younger version of myself might have been. I felt good about moving on, albeit sad. And in that sense I guess I do know more now about who I am.
With work this year, I feel as though I’ve finally reached a stability point. I quit my job to figure out what to do next and ultimately become my own boss two years and two months ago. It has been hard, and blah blah blah, but now it sort of only is. I know I should be thankful for this, and I am. Believe me, I am. But I have never been so good with the rebuilding part of things– the downtime. Now that I have some stability, or at least a few months of it, and I’ve found a routine in other areas of my life, what I should be doing is recharging, right? Re-saving all the money I spent figuring out what the next move was. Re-planning some goals and direction. And just allowing the normality of it all to sink in. Right? No. Because recharging doesn’t feel like moving forward. Duh.
In spite of the changes and obstacles, I feel incredibly stuck and unsure about my entire life right now. It is not as simple as “there are highs and lows.” I have had people say that, and I wish it were. It’s more than that. I have felt way too status quo for my liking. Way too inhibited by my choices. Way too unable to work on moving forward. I have prayed, I have asked friends for advice, I’ve looked for signs and signals all over the place. Ocassionally the fog will clear a little, my heart will feel a little lighter, and I’ll get a moment to take a deep breath. To see a silver lining, maybe even a few little signs that it’s all going to be okay.
I know it will be okay. I do know that. What I am hoping for, though, is that little something extra that moves me out of the When and into the How. Because I will tell you one thing, between insult, injury, and letting go of what I once knew, I am either at the breaking point or on the verge of something huge. I am hoping for huge, in case you couldn’t tell.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I keep finding myself asking the question – how am I this old (not that I think of myself as old) and still not sure what is going on in my life. Others seem to have it together – why don’t I?
Although I am perfectly aware the outward appearances aren’t everything and I am sure that people are less together than I assume.
Still incredibly frustrating though!
whew, it’s good to hear that someone else is feeling the same way that I am right now. thanks for sharing what’s going/or not going on. it’s hard when you think that things are headed in the direction you thought…then you realize you were headed in the right way, but for the wrong thing. i’m hoping for huge for you too…
First of all, I’m sorry about your knee. Being in pain is just about the worst, most frustrating thing ever. I’m also very sorry about your relationship. It’s never fun to end those, even when it’s a mutual dissolving. And as far as your fog goes, I totally getcha. But in my experience, the fog is usually a precursor to the brilliant, shining sun of hugeness. So I think you are on the verge of something huge.
I was talking with a friend today who is going through a tough time, feeling caught between a couple of decisions and I told her that switching from an either-or mindset would open up a gigantic space in her life. I think maybe that’s the key when we get stuck: to find areas where we can create new space to grow. Even when it’s scary and there are no guarantees of success (or even happiness).
The other trick I like to employ? Telling myself that the stuff I want is already mine. I don’t know if that is what helps move me from When to How, but it seems to work time and again. I’m a crazy manifestation believer, though, so maybe that’s why I think it works…
You are such a strong, resilient person I have no doubt you will get through the fog and land in an exciting new space. And if you need a place to escape to and think, Hollywood’s here for ya.
What a beautifully written, introspective post. See, there can be beauty from pain. This post reminds me that the smarter you are, sometimes the harder it is to deal with transitions. Dumb people don’t know any better – or don’t have interest in thinking about and figuring out the why’s and how’s of life. But, smart people? You’re able to analyze everything and rationalize what you are analyzing and analyze what you’re rationalizing and it becomes this big snowball of thought and emotion and feeling … all while the world is moving around you, and yet, things aren’t yet different. Know this time will pass and for you, I also hope you are onto something big
I’m really hoping for huge things for you too. Not only because you’re due for them, and not because you deserve them (which are both true facts), but because you’re the kind of person who really appreciates the good. And I think those are the people who ultimately benefit the most from the good, the huge. It’s coming your way, I’m sure of it.
I like what Melissa said- thinking that what you want, what you feel could be yours… already is. I know it can be kind of hard to do that sometimes. Especially when you’re feeling stuck. But I think there truly is a really big thing behind manifesting what we want in our lives… thoughts becoming things and all that.
I’m sorry to hear about your knee. You’re doing the right thing taking it easy on it. And too, the relationship ending. Even though it was for the best, those things are still sad.
Keep on being good to yourself. Extra good right now. Keep your chin up and remember that these foggy times happen for a reason, and when the fog lifts, it’s going to feel super bright, with tons of good energy shining down on you.
I don’t understand why we don’t live in the same city. State? Geographical region? Sister wives need to stick together. XO.
Ah, I’m sorry to read this. As someone who has been dealing with odd injuries/pain for … months … now, I can definitely relate. It DOES color everything and is hard to deal with especially if you’re an active person. Have you seen a dr.? Or perhaps a chiro (I am seeing one, and it’s helping enormously) or acupuncturist?
As for feeling stuck, well, I do think that sometimes those feelings can translate into physical stress/symptoms (speaking from experience here!). But try to take it one day at a time, try to think about some SMALL steps, just easy ones so you don’t feel overwhelmed. If that makes sense? Sending good thoughts xoxo
My heart is with you! I’m hoping for huge.. and more huge … and more marvelous huge for you.
You have written well, in touch with your feelings and recent events.
Wishing you everything!
We can be knee twins! You can be the cute wise one, and I’ll be the crotchety sassy one.
Knowing you, knowing the inner strength that I always admire in you, the quiet wisdom, I know that the thing you are on the verge of … it’s the huge. Or at least it will be if there is any fairness in the universe at all.
I wish I could come to your house and help with your back/knee pain. I hate to hear when people I know are hurting and want to help – I suppose that is the PT in me.
I don’t know about highs and lows, but life is definitely a journey. As soon as I think I had it figured out I realize I’m wrong. I’m hoping something HUGE comes your way – you deserve it.
Sending you hugs and hope you get well.
oh…friend…i wish i knew the words to say to help…but, i hope you will be comforted by knowing I understand. I get it.
Get that body better — one step at a time. Trust. Trust. Open your arms and let go.
And here’s hoping HUGE comes your way!
One of the things I learned last year was simply to go with the flow and truly live life in that day. Ha, that isn’t always easy I remembered over this past weekend as I hit my own fog and found myself swirling in clouds as thick as pea soup. It is more fun to plan and look into the future and think about what will or could be than to fully grasp the moment and sit with it. And sometimes it is hard to find the sun shine as it sifts through the clouds, but it is there, right? I keep thinking it is and if I just sit with this a little longer and allow it to be and stop trying to figure it all out… well the sun will come and I will find (as you are) that everything will be alright.