I have tried to hold it together. Over the last six weeks I have had moments of being really down but have been able to pull myself back onto my path, some path, because I’d tell myself it was the right thing to do. I have told myself that this hard time, and what I’m feeling, is inevitable. Deserved, almost, because I’ve made choices and sometimes things are hard and that is what happens. Not a punishment, but a time to learn for sure. And I get through these times, because I am nothing if not stable. “The Stable One.” Then it passes.
And I’ve tried to resist feeling sorry for myself, because being sad and unable to deal with certain realities is not all that bad or uncommon. I read a story about someone else’s life and know for sure that it is just the perspective I need. Or, I even offer some encouraging words, which are true and from my heart, and that makes me feel better. I know I am not alone, and that’s where I take some solace.
The thing is, it’s becoming a pile-up around here. Thing after thing, with no breather. Relationship over. Family struggling. Work challenges. Work lost. Friend in poor health. Best friend moving away. Less concentration. More stress. Less money. Less planning for the future. Being over-looked for invites. More alone time. Less wanting to be alone. Car making a terrible sound. Appliance breaking. Dreams slipping. Wishing I was closer with the people I once was. Not feeling capable enough of handling any of it.
I can’t see the big picture right now. I can’t see holding it together, or why I would. I can’t see pushing through because I no longer feel like I know what I’m pushing for. This is not to say I’m feeling hopeless, and this is not to say there still aren’t important things in my life. I will always feel right about being there for the things that matter. But today I guess I just needed to admit that something is broken. Or maybe, more likely, I am broken.
I hope that getting this out helps, and that my next step will be making a list of everything that is going right.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m going to email you. I know this feeling. And I hope you’re letting yourself cry because sometimes that the most productive thing to do during times like this. I’m proud of you for letting it out here in this post. That in itself is a sign of your strength.
I’ve been there, it’s tough when everything seems to be wrong, but it will pass and it will be better. In the mean time, hugs, big bear hugs.
I’ve been there, too. Different circumstances, but similar feelings. It was the one time in my life I turned to therapy. It was incredibly helpful to talk to someone who wasn’t close to me or my situations. To cry. To unload. To hear what I needed to hear. To help me figure out how to manage everything and not lose it along the way. If I ever find myself in a similar place, I will turn right back to therapy – clearly I’m a strong supporter of it. Around here, there are therapy groups that provide services on a sliding scale fee basis … meaning, the less money you make, the less you pay. Whatever you decide to do, I hope this time passes for you – there are brighter places ahead.
I wish I could manipulate time so that I could project you into a near future where these piled up problems have resolved themselves. Because I am confident that they will resolve, but I also know that there is nothing valuable to be gained from having to deal with all these things at once. Sometimes slogging through is the best we can muster.
I really hope that writing this out helps a bit. I care and I would give you a big healing hug, if I could.
That sounds like so much weighing on you. Remember to take deep breaths and lean on people you love. Sending you a big, huge hug.
I am sitting here watching the sunsetting and thinking that soon you will see a similar site though it will be different. Similarly, everything you wrote echos experiences we have each had – and you always seem to put into words things that I am experiencing or have just been through. One of my dearest friends of the late 15 years called it quits about a week ago (on our friendship) and I miss him though I do understand completely and wish him all the best. I keep reminding myself that “it is” and with every change and every moment life is making room or preparing for something else… and that doesn’t help at all sometimes!
I have never felt so alone in my life while I have never been so surrounded by people. Hang in there … and we are all here sending you warmth