I believe we are only given what we can handle. I believe that in the face of challenges, loss, and the last couple months of my life. I also think handle is sometimes categorized as quiet, as definitively graceful, and nothing else. Handling isn’t messy. Handling isn’t a process. It is supposed to be smooth and quick and not bothersome.
The opposite of life, really.
Because life is bumpy. Life’s years go quickly by way of some really long days. Life annoys the living. Life is a damn mess. Which is why handling is often such a delicate, underrated, misinterpreted idea. One way I handled my feelings last week was to express them here. I got really great support and feedback from that. I got really great reinforcement and encouragement in naming what was going on, in expressing it simply for the purpose of expressing it. I also got reminded that the Internet is still a small world and people play some pretty wicked games out there. Someone actually emailed me encouraging me to compare my problems and how I handle them to, no, not theirs, but a third party. Can you imagine?
People. There is no award for She Who Suffers Most. Stop it. Stop having some idea that you can play this At Least game (you know: Well, I might have done X but she did Y, which is much worse) and win. That is not a winning game. There is no award for basking in someone’s pain, or for standing on someone’s pile of crap to raise yourself. There is no triumph in pointing out the obvious.
I read and reread that email. I tried to understand. I wanted to try to feel what this person was feeling, to understand why they were moved to write to me like that. I couldn’t feel it. Maybe I am just so broken down lately that feeling that was asking far too much of myself, but I couldn’t muster it. I didn’t have the energy to compare my pain and struggle to anyone’s. And I’m glad I didn’t.
When you’re in the thick of a mess and just trying to get by, you find yourself constantly searching for life rafts. Sometimes you might even see them when they aren’t there. Sometimes you may see something to hold onto that will only end up bringing you down. It’s hard not to grab that thing. I have spent the last couple days just feeling grateful I didn’t grab that thing, glad that I was so weak that I couldn’t. So glad that in that weakness I was still somehow allowed to see I can trust myself and my way of handling my life.
Yes, my handling is messy. It is a bumpy road that loops around and doubles back with a flat tire and a low fuel gauge. It is not quick. But at the end of the day I trust it. I trust my life raft. Not because I have the hardest road out there, not because I am She Who Suffers Most, but because I am amongst all of the other sufferers. I know that when we share in glory and reward it is also because we share in challenge and pain. And when I look around at all our piles of crap, how different they are and how differently we’re handling them, the view is somehow also incredibly level.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
So true, it is not a contest! And it’s hard to understand why anybody would want to make it so. Keep that life raft level, keep your eye on the fuel gauge, and watch out for those piles of crap.
Sometimes, I think people one-up each other because they’re innocently trying to relate. “Oh, you’re sick? That sucks. I was so sick last week that I puked. I know the feeling.” Other times, I think people one-up each other because they think perspective will provide you solace. “Oh, you’re sick? That’s nothing. I was so sick last week that I puked.” And yet, other times, I think people one-up each other because they are trying to diminish what you’re feeling. “Oh, you’re sick? Get over it. At least you’re not puking like I did last week.” Same situation. Very different communications. Regardless of intent, it sucks when people try to alleviate your reality by offering something worse. It doesn’t change the fact that your life isn’t where you want it to be right now – you have a right to be down about that, no matter what else is going on in the world.
I would like to think the person’s intention was good…but it sounds like it may not have been. I’m sorry you had to waste time and energy dealing with it.
Trust in yourself and your own methods is one of the most valuable things in life. At the end of the day, we’re all we’ve got. Keep on focusing on taking care of you – in whatever way feels right – and you’ll get through it.
And there’s always the raft in Hollywood if you need it.
Thank you for your bravery in expressing your stuff! You are brave and honest. I aadmire that! I don’t have a life raft for u, but I can sit with you and you can hold my hand and I will listen. Always. Be well, friend.