If we were meeting for coffee

by LesleyG on November 29, 2012

Sometimes I wish I could sit down with everyone I know, one or two at a time, and just spill it. Pour my heart out. We would meet for coffee and it would be easy for me to just sit there and tell you all of the things I need to.

I’m not very good at that, letting it all come out. It is hard, I am embarrassed. I am excited. I am happy. I am grateful. I struggle with pride. With not wanting to brag. With being wholly in the feelings I’m having. And then sometimes feeling guilty for those feelings.

But if we were sitting down for coffee this morning I’d do my best to look you in the eye and tell you about me. I’d tell you it’s been a hard year, and that I’ve struggled.

I’d tell you I’m not sleeping well lately. I’d tell you I’m feeling incredibly grateful for my family and friends for standing by me. I’d tell you I feel really loved.

If we were sitting down for coffee this morning I’d tell you about all the compromises I’ve had to make this year, many of which I’d never imagined. I’d tell you that a lot of my worst-case-scenario thoughts have become reality, and how I’m beyond many of them.

If we sat down this morning I’d tell you how much I’ve learned and the new ways I’ve learned to define myself, independent of my circumstances. I would tell you how grateful I am just to be here, even if in some moments I feel like I can’t breathe.

If we were meeting for coffee this morning I’d tell you how frustrated I am, how it’s hard to feel like all the rest of life is really incredible except one, pretty fundamental piece. I’d tell you how it’s hard to see other’s lives sometimes, doing even the simple little things I have had to put aside. I’d tell you how hard I’ve had to work to get over the thought that age is an indicator of any given experience or life stage.

If we were sitting down for coffee this morning I’d tell you all the ways I’ve tried to make changes, to try new approaches, to think of what I might be missing. I’d tell you that I’m tired. Caffeinated, but tired. That I was exhausted but up at 4:00AM anyway.

And I’d tell you that I know I’m okay. I know I’m still as smart and capable as ever and that I wouldn’t take any of it back. I’d tell you that I’d learned that exhaustion is a perfect home for hope, it turns out. And I’d say sorry I can’t find a way to tell you more. But thank you for being here. And thank you for believing in me anyway.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

sizzle November 29, 2012 at 8:52 am

I’d love to get coffee and listen.

I’m certain I only grasp a portion of the story but from what I have read, you have been on a hard journey. I do, for what it’s worth, believe in you.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks November 29, 2012 at 9:10 am

I wish I lived closer. Even though I don’t drink coffee, I’d find myself some tea or hot chocolate and cozy up to hear more from you. Like Sizzle says, it’s hard to fully grasp what you’re going through based merely on what you write in this space. But, two things are clear: your journey has been hard and you haven’t lost hope.I hope one day soon, you’ll be able to look back on this journey with peace of mind, knowing the end of this particular journey has come and you’re finally in a more peaceful place.

Mel Heth November 29, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Wherever you’ve been, wherever you’re going, whatever is going on – we’re here with you. And hopefully someday being here will include face-to-face time and coffee. In the meantime, I hold a special Lesley place in my heart for you. Sending love and light your way.

barbara December 2, 2012 at 8:21 am

If it helps, I am drinking coffee right now. And I am in my pyjamas, but I don’t know if that is part of the coffee scenario.
Kidding aside, I think of you often, wishing you strength on your tough journey, hoping that strength will make things better. And looking forward to shared coffee some fine day.

megabrooke December 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I know you know I read this last week and I just wanted to come here and comment finally, and tell you again that I’m thinking of you and wish for some brighter days ahead for you. I’m sorry you’re going through a particularly tough time lately. You deserve some good days, that’s for sure. Here for you if you ever want to chat more. xo

The Exception December 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I echo the thoughts express above. I too send you warm thoughts and all the support possible via this virtual community. If ever possible, I am up for a good coffee and a chat, but until then… you are one amazing person whether it always feels like that or not.

Jen December 10, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Hugs, big hugs I send you. And may hope always light up your way.

Jo January 2, 2013 at 9:43 am

Such brave and awesome words. I am so glad I came back to blogspot to read this and to start writing again. It is good to ‘see’ you! You’ve got good energy girl. Keep it up.

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