If we were meeting for coffee this morning…

by LesleyG on February 23, 2013

Although I suppose I could, I’m not meeting anyone for coffee this morning. I am spending the afternoon with my nephews, 6 and 20 months, and so a relaxing morning is my way of preparing. I would be a great parent, huh? The number of hours spent with children requires an equal number of hours preparing and/or recovering. I am working on teaching them a new trick called “Go make Aunt Lesley some lunch and a cocktail.”

And if we were having coffee this morning, I would tell you that I know I am supposed to be someone’s mother, one day. I don’t know how, or when, or anything exactly. It may be in a couple years, it may be in 10, it may be when I’m 70 and someone who is 20 finds me and needs a mother. But I know for sure that I am supposed to be someone’s mother. I find myself very unattached to the How.

If we were meeting for coffee this morning I would probably also talk about that, the How. And how much I’ve come to not think too much about it any more. The last couple months, I tell you, have been eye opening. They have been some of the most real, positive, and remarkable times of my life. I am learning to define myself less and less by the Hows, by the past, by the ideals that are anyone’s other than my own. When I stop thinking about what anything is supposed to look like, and decide that I know what I am supposed to be, everything is better. For a long time I thought getting people to get me was a crucial element in being who I am. But now I think that only thinking about the latter makes the former click even faster. You cannot really be who you are AND try to convince people of who you are at the same time.

And if we were having coffee I would tell you that I love now more than ever, and that is what has really made everything better. I always thought that’s what I was about, love and kindness. I really did. But every day it feels more internal. Like the things happening inside of me are the same as what I project. Not just my actions, but my thoughts, my internal dialogue.

Somehow, this has made it easier for me to believe in what I want. I no longer feel guilty for wanting something nice, or grandiose, or indulgent. And, in the same vein, I don’t feel better for passing on something, or for saying No. There is this idea that saying Yes to a good life means never missing out. I am finished with that. Everything is as it should be, and I am where I should be. It is with that feeling I know that everything I need or want to do will come, that it is already coming. I don’t fear missing out because what is right for me, for my life, is already on its way to me.

And if we were meeting for coffee this morning I’d tell you that I am not always this “deep.” And that I don’t philosophize all the time. I mean, I spend a lot of time thinking about purses and shoes and kitchen and bathroom design. I would tell you how much I really love marble and how I don’t care if it isn’t stain resistant. I want it anyway. There are plenty of things I will probably need to make peace with in 2013, but my affair with countertops isn’t one of them.

This year is different than I’d ever could have imagined, and one coffee date probably isn’t enough time to get through everything, but they’re both a great start. I am so thrilled with that, to say the least.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Jen February 23, 2013 at 6:47 pm

I loved this post, both for it’s originality (I wanted to be there having coffee with you, and I don’t even like coffee!) and it’s honesty. But what I really liked the most was that you seem to be in a really good place and that brought a smile to my face. I’m happy that you are enjoying being you and where you are in your life. I’m glad you’re not concern about the how’s and trust the certainty of things just being what they are. I’m happy and smiling for you!

Mel Heth February 24, 2013 at 10:51 am

If we were having coffee this morning, I’d high five you. Like seven times. This post almost made me clap, I was so excited. I think what you’re experiencing is nothing short of magical. Opening up space for different “hows” to move in can yield truly incredible results.

On the mothering front, I think your current position as aunt is just as important! Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about “The Auntie Brigade” in her book, “Committed,” and it so resonated with me. Just last night I was talking with my niece who is in her first year of college and found myself thinking that we would never be having the conversation if she were my daughter. I feel like aunthood has somehow given me the best of both worlds.

I had no idea marble wasn’t stain resistant. I guess I’m going to have to try to come up with another idea for the future kitchen…

Krista February 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

WHY AREN’T WE HAVING COFFEE THIS MORNING? Sigh.

Your life makes me happy. So I hope it makes *you* happy, too. ;) Sounds like it does. XOXO, SW.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks February 26, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Wonderful post, Lesley. I feel like I have learned more about you in this post than I have in any other post of late. Probably because it feels less vague than the others. And I like concrete – on counters, too. =)

I’ve also got to say my life felt infinitely more free when I stopped caring how I’d become a mother, when I opened the door to the idea of step-parenting, foster parenting and adoption. Like you, just knowing I’d be able to parent one day was all I needed to feel grounded where I was (in my early 30s, at the time).

Craig February 26, 2013 at 10:31 pm

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Jacinta February 27, 2013 at 5:02 am

Would love to meet up for coffee… of course there is the small matter of oceans and continents to travel. But I would love to… someday.
Love this post and so glad to hear you’re in a good space right now. Things are truly coming together. Just as they will. And just as they should.
xxx

barbara February 27, 2013 at 8:43 am

I am drinking coffee as I read your lovely thoughtful (as always) post, so I’m going with “we are having coffee together”. But of course, the nagging thought will keep plaguing me all day: did your nephews ever make that cocktail for you?

The Exception February 28, 2013 at 4:41 pm

How about an evening coffee – and a wonderful smile. It sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be – and that you are finding its beauty!! That is awesome. (When we have coffee, can we do it somewhere other than starbucks? I am kind of over Starbucks at the moment – ;) )

nicole March 25, 2013 at 4:39 pm

I wish we could have coffee and a chat! Perhaps one day … And I am SO very glad you are OK – as is the little girl – after your car accident. I too would be plagued with fears (I cannot understand how anyone can get behind the wheel if they are even the slightest bit incoherent) after that experience, and I wish you peace and safety going forward. xx

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