Although I suppose I could, I’m not meeting anyone for coffee this morning. I am spending the afternoon with my nephews, 6 and 20 months, and so a relaxing morning is my way of preparing. I would be a great parent, huh? The number of hours spent with children requires an equal number of hours preparing and/or recovering. I am working on teaching them a new trick called “Go make Aunt Lesley some lunch and a cocktail.”
And if we were having coffee this morning, I would tell you that I know I am supposed to be someone’s mother, one day. I don’t know how, or when, or anything exactly. It may be in a couple years, it may be in 10, it may be when I’m 70 and someone who is 20 finds me and needs a mother. But I know for sure that I am supposed to be someone’s mother. I find myself very unattached to the How.
If we were meeting for coffee this morning I would probably also talk about that, the How. And how much I’ve come to not think too much about it any more. The last couple months, I tell you, have been eye opening. They have been some of the most real, positive, and remarkable times of my life. I am learning to define myself less and less by the Hows, by the past, by the ideals that are anyone’s other than my own. When I stop thinking about what anything is supposed to look like, and decide that I know what I am supposed to be, everything is better. For a long time I thought getting people to get me was a crucial element in being who I am. But now I think that only thinking about the latter makes the former click even faster. You cannot really be who you are AND try to convince people of who you are at the same time.
And if we were having coffee I would tell you that I love now more than ever, and that is what has really made everything better. I always thought that’s what I was about, love and kindness. I really did. But every day it feels more internal. Like the things happening inside of me are the same as what I project. Not just my actions, but my thoughts, my internal dialogue.
Somehow, this has made it easier for me to believe in what I want. I no longer feel guilty for wanting something nice, or grandiose, or indulgent. And, in the same vein, I don’t feel better for passing on something, or for saying No. There is this idea that saying Yes to a good life means never missing out. I am finished with that. Everything is as it should be, and I am where I should be. It is with that feeling I know that everything I need or want to do will come, that it is already coming. I don’t fear missing out because what is right for me, for my life, is already on its way to me.
And if we were meeting for coffee this morning I’d tell you that I am not always this “deep.” And that I don’t philosophize all the time. I mean, I spend a lot of time thinking about purses and shoes and kitchen and bathroom design. I would tell you how much I really love marble and how I don’t care if it isn’t stain resistant. I want it anyway. There are plenty of things I will probably need to make peace with in 2013, but my affair with countertops isn’t one of them.
This year is different than I’d ever could have imagined, and one coffee date probably isn’t enough time to get through everything, but they’re both a great start. I am so thrilled with that, to say the least.