I think writing a personal blog for a long time creates a special place in your brain. People who don’t have blogs don’t have that room that says— or said at one time– “I should write about this.” The funny thing about the room is it never really goes away. It is there whether there is anything to put in it or not, and you still think about the room. You still care about the room.
So when really great things happen, or really tough times come, you go to the room. Over the years, your brain gets better at deciding what should enter and leave the room, and whether its worth it to do anything with the contents at all. At least that’s how my brain works. There are entire relationships and life changes that are in that room, for me, that have never left. I keep thinking there will be a time when I don’t get that urge to share, or at least filter, but it hasn’t come yet.
And on days like today, I think that is by design. Because I really need my room right now. I’ve come to a place in my life where I believe now (not necessarily months ago, this has been a process) that the greatest task ahead of me is letting go of everything that defined me before. Jobs, work, money, houses, people… everything. And not because of tragedy but because that is simply my path.
Speaking of path, some friends and I went to see a psychic the other day. Well, we didn’t intend to see her, we just went to lunch in a hippie part of town and she had a table set up at a restaurant. As all good psychics do, maybe. I don’t know. This is not something I’ve done before. Anyway, two days before I’d watched a show about how people are fooled by psychics so that is where my brain was. Despite my love for watching Long Island Medium marathons, the concepts don’t really extend into my day-to-day life.
What I do believe, though, is that we experience what we’re meant to experience (path!) and hear what we’re meant to hear. And though the psychic was pretty non-specific when it came to my life (is that what they do? I don’t know. See above for frame of reference: reality TV), she did say one thing that struck a chord with me: You don’t realize your own worth and you don’t believe you deserve good things.
I had a few reactions. The first was, well, yes. True. I have struggled with that concept my entire life. Second, so hasn’t almost everyone? I mean, maybe not those who are royalty (real or implied), but otherwise isn’t this sort of the human condition? Or am I just minimizing my own pain like a good little people-pleasing woman? Do we all struggle to tell ourselves we want it all, whatever “all” is to us, and then actually, truly believe it?
Because there are things I believe I deserve: love, grace, family, friends. And then there are things I won’t let myself have, because I get scared or the work is too hard, or I’m tired, or I’m tired of working hard or being scared. It is a cycle. One that I am in now. I stand just outside really feeling like I belong. I hold back just enough of really feeling in love. Oh, I imagine it. I do. I am better now at seeing the reality of everything than I ever have been, but there is this thing that still says “that is not meant for you.”
That is the part psychics are good at, maybe. Because that is the part we’re all good at doing, maybe. Maybe. You tell me? Because this is a feeling I can’t hold in my little long-time blogger room any more. I need a little bolstering. I need some tips.
I need to know how you convince yourself you deserve things that may seem just out of reach, or how you decide what’s worth reaching for.