About ten times a day, more if I pay attention, I’m reminded by this culture I live in that I’m not enough. I am reminded that I don’t have the right jobs, or enough jobs, or the right home, or the right amount of money, or know the right people. The way of the developed world is “better.” Except no one really tells you what better is. No one ever tells you what right is. It is only something you don’t already have.
And in the same breath I am told I should have it. I am told that simply because a desire is placed on my heart, in my mind, that I can get there. As if it is ever that simple. Because we like to do that, don’t we? We like to use the example of “one time this one thing was easy” as evidence that anything can be. Or one time I worked really hard and it worked out. Or one time I had the nerve to introduce myself to the right person and good things happened. Therefore, I should be able to do it again. It’s owed me, and I have evidence to prove it. I figured it out! Give me my prize!
There’s part of a quote from Anne Lamott that I think of when I can’t figure out what to do, which is “…Life is bigger than we tend to give it credit for…” It reminds me that trying to figure it out is getting me nowhere. That it will get me nowhere. That figuring it out WAS NOT THE POINT, LESLEY, CALM DOWN.
So when I’m in a place like I am right now, I have to make myself get out of that culture that says I should know what is happening and why. I have to actively choose to see those reminders not as something I need but cannot get, but rather that I have gotten what I have gotten. That there is no secret formula to cure what I am. There is just being human, and trying to DO the right thing rather than BE the right thing.
There is nothing I have to figure out. That part is bigger than me.