JustRunJustLiveJustBe

Well, that was good.  Really good.

Is there a reason all weekends are not three-day weekends?  (Or more?)  Is there a reason they don’t all include what this last weekend did?  Some of the best parts of life and summer seemed to come together in the last three days and make me feel a little more like a real person and a little less like the zombie I’ve been lately.  Confesssion:  I have not been the coolest person ever these last few weeks.  I have let stress get the best of me.  As warranted as that may be for all of us at one time or another, it is getting a little old.

And while we’re confessing, I also had a little too much sun, a little too much key lime pie, and got way too excited about a small-town parade.  There. 

But the parade?  It was cute.  Not the kind of cute you need to see every year, and maybe not the kind of cute that needs to last two hours, but definitely the kind of cute to remind you to sit back and take things for what they are once in a while.

Like dogs.  Dressed up dogs.

And kids dressed up, too.

And horses. And classic cars. And rodeo queens.  And marching bands.  And clowns.  Patriotic clowns.

(Apologies to anyone with a clown fear.  He was not scary at all.)

Then there was a jester.  Because what’s a Fourth of July without one, right?

For good measure, it’s also important to throw in some fire trucks/engines.  Lots of them.

Yes, it was just a little small town parade.  Of course, there were also the politicians (no pictures of that, though) and the poor kids that have to follow the rodeo queens and pick up behind their horses. It all could have been considered very boring and mundane.  Which is just what I needed.  Those clowns and kids and fire trucks were just enough distraction to remind me to step outside my own bubble, my own problems, even for just a day, and see something new.  If nothing else, it was a well-timed break.  I might even be recharged– a little.

Though it’s hard to believe because, you know, the sun is just barely beginning to rise, I’m already up and happy about it.  Really happy, in fact.  On the verge of annoying happy, actually.  It’s true, and someone may slap me for it before the day is done.

I don’t have any super secret reason for my happiness– nothing to reveal.  It’s just this morning, before the sun came up, before I really had a chance to think about the rest of the day, before I let myself worry about anything, I ran.  And it was good.

A lot of my time spent talking about running is analytical (some may call it complaining).  I wonder what can improve, what went wrong, why, with all the mix of cultures I have in my bloodstream, isn’t one of them Kenyan?  I contemplate these things to death under the guise of my love for running.  Today though, on this early morning run, there was no guise.

I’d set out for five miles.  It’s something I can do comfortably in well under an hour, something I’m comfortable with in the morning.  I was surprised how early into the run I felt good.  Usually it takes a mile or two before I am not making myself run.  Usually I need warm up time.  This morning the temperature and my mind and my body must have been just right though.  It felt, dare I say, easy.  And now that I’ve jinxed myself by calling it easy, I might as well seal the deal and say that this was the best run I’ve had in months, possibly a year.

So when people see me later, and I have this air about me as though everything is wonderful and nothing can go wrong, when I look like I’m just seconds away from tossing my hat high above my head because gee, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT AFTER ALL, they’re just going to have to ignore me.  I don’t expect anyone to understand how one run makes all the others worth it, how one run makes you remember why you love it. They should just roll their eyes and carry on, because it will be too hard to explain why this is a big deal.  It may not happen again and I may forget this feeling tomorrow, but today, today it is enough.

Would it even sound believable if I’d said in the last 48 hours I’ve both worn tall, uncomfortable heels (though I did love the dress) and watched ballroom dancing until very late into the evening and worn jeans, drank beer and watched a baseball game? The weekend did feel very contradictory though.

The mood I ended the week with on Friday was not good. My first instinct, of course, was to find a place to put the blame. After all, there is a cause to unhappiness as much as there is happiness, right? This mood was happening to me, right? It was not my fault.

Well.

That might all be true. But having that attitude for more than a short time feels a little like a cop out. Telling myself that only a change or the presence or absence of something would improve my mood was not getting me anywhere. While I agree that we all need our moments, I don’t seem to be the kind of person who can live in those moments for very long. Not that I was admitting this on Friday. Oh no. I hadn’t gotten that far on my own. Good thing for me, there was help coming.

A friend of mine who I adore more each time I’m around her invited me to watch part of a ballroom dance competition over the weekend. I accepted without hesitation because, as I mentioned, I’d get to be around her and also, I can never pass up exposure to new things. Now, I really can’t get into the whole dancing part of this because a) I move with the grace of a moose, and b) I know nothing about dancing at. all. What I will say, though, is that it was fascinating. The entire time I just could not get over how some people are able to move their bodies so gracefully and with such control. Some people even manage to blink gracefully. My gosh.

After a late performance by a professional pair on Saturday evening, a woman sitting across from me asked me if I wanted to dance after seeing a show for the first time. I told her no, not really, but that I wouldn’t mind watching it forever. I also wanted to add that if we come back in next lives, I’d ask to come back with rhythm.

Sunday afternoon I went to a Triple A baseball game with a group of friends. There are few things better than baseball in the afternoon in the summer. I think I may have mentioned a few times that this scenario is just the kind of thing that would make me fall in love with something. The breeze across the field, the ambiance of happy people, the relaxation induced by sitting and just being. It’s all so good. I also might have mentioned (and posted to Twitter) that I loved summer so much that I’d marry it and have it’s babies. I’d had half a beer at this point, so that’s my excuse.

After being made fun of for half a beer getting to me and for wearing a shirt that said “I Hug Trees” (don’t ask) I found myself realizing that my entire weekend was an attitude adjustment. New experiences, old experiences, friends, I needed every bit of it. I feel like I spent all last week (and probably several weeks before) absorbed in a state of pity all the while not realizing that my mom’s advice was, of course, right on: no one situation ever defines you. I just needed to open my eyes a little and remember that the rest of life doesn’t stop because I have a bad attitude or because I’m depressed over something. There is still life to live and people that want you around, even if you have moments when you can’t bring yourself to answer the phone at night.

I’m not sure of how much confidence I have in this feeling lasting, I am hesitant to make any promises. But it feels so good that I’m going to tell myself that it was more than just the weekend. It was more than just a break. It was the help I didn’t know I was waiting for. I don’t know if I can remind myself of that often enough, but I’m really going to try.

My long runs are getting a little longer right now. (Or is it harder? Sometimes I get confused.) I’m trying to go easy on myself because not only do I want to remain uninjured but should I decide to actually participate in a race beyond a 10K this year, I’d sort of like to wait until I have set that goal. If I just start increasing mileage now for no real reason then when it comes time for it to be for real, I might burn myself out. Part of me is not sure if that’s a reasonable person talking or if it’s a lazy one. Ah, yes, do not run too much. No. Wouldn’t want to burn out before something that may or may not happen. Yeah. I’m gonna go with: it is wise.

Anyway, yesterday my long run (which is, of course, relative) was just over eight miles. In a lot of ways, I’m a different runner than what I was a few years ago. Nothing is really new, I know everything well enough to know what to expect. I’ve learned to take it as it comes rather than wanting every run to be perfect. Still, there are also some things about my running that haven’t changed. For one, I like to be entertained on a run. Scenery, music if I’m running inside, or conversation all help me get through this grueling task I do completely by choice.

I left my house yesterday morning and headed for a local trail. For about a mile, before you cross to the trail, you have to run down this tree-lined sidewalk. It’s cool and shady and, during this time of year, very loud. There must be a hundred bird’s nests in those trees and I think every single egg hatched on the same day. Now, as you pass them, what sounds like 500 baby birds squeak and scream. Yes, it is a very cute concept, I suppose. The not-so-cute part, however, are the parents. The adult birds, ever-present and even louder than their offspring, do everything they can to let you know you are in the wrong place. Apparently missing the fact that I don’t have wings, anywhere between five and fifteen of them are flying no more than a yard or two over my head in this frightening swooping pattern. They have this oddly loud chirping/warning signal and it is all no doubt a carefully constructed play probably called Get This Human Out of Our Territory. You know, like a Sweep but more intimidating. And more dangerous.

Thankfully, this was the most eventful part of the run. For as often as I choose to whine about runs that don’t go well, I try to remind myself to appreciate the ones that do, even if they’re just okay. A lot of things are either changing or about to change in and around my life right now, and if a good run wants to come along in the middle of all that, well by all means. Sometimes things can get so distracting or weigh so heavily on my mind that they get in the way of running. It’s nice to have running interfere with everything else once in a while.

Even with the sunrise, the beach, the barbecue, all of it, by far the best part of traveling to North Carolina was spending time with my nephew. I guess it never occurred to me before how natural family relationships are. I am always worried he’ll forget me over the span of a couple months, and he never does. From the moment I walked ran up to him at the airport, he was in my arms as if it were second nature. I can’t describe how great that feels to me. It’s a very special thing, and I feel so grateful that something so meaningful is a part of my life.

And it doesn’t hurt that he’s incredibly cute.

Aside from the cute, which to be honest, is hard to get past, he’s also so much fun. While I’ve always loved kids and found them entertaining, I really don’t think I had any idea of how they just keep getting more and more fun as they get older. Especially from the perspective of an aunt, no doubt.

From the time my sister told me she was pregnant, the idea of having a nephew was exciting. I’d pictured fun in my mind. But after laughing with him, after being around him as he grows and changes and seeing his cool, laid-back nature, I know that whatever I’d anticipated before was just an idea. Sure, I thought it’d be great. But THIS GREAT? Who knew?

Part of me wants to whine incessantly about how badly I do not want to go back to work and “normal” life this week.  But no one likes a whiner, right?  And it’s not like someone’s going to show up to pay the bills in the next thirty minutes, so it might be a good idea if I just put on my big girl undies and shut up about it.

So while I deal with, um, being a big girl, I thought it might be a good idea to share some things I found on the beach last week.  Because a) then I get to live it all again and pretend I’m not wearing a skirt that had to be ironed, and b) I can save a lot of the mental energy I’m going to need later to deal with never-ending emails and phone calls about The Most Important Things Ever, even if they weren’t important three days ago.

I went out to the beach one morning at sunrise.  I love that time on the shore, watching the world wake up with the first glow of the sun.

Honestly, how could anyone not love that?

It’s also the time when all the critters that make a home on the shore get to come out and frolick (did I just say frolick?) before they’re disturbed by, well, people that seem to need a lot more gear to go to the beach than I was ever aware even existed. 

The critters have their moments of peace at sunrise.  And so do I.

You find the most interesting, beautiful things washed up on the beach at this time.

Things you want to stare at, and wonder about.  The quiet and the mystery in thinking of the many, many things about the ocean we don’t know always facinates me.

I am amazed by the ocean, its power, its depth. 

Then again, there are some things we find and, well, just can’t seem to find words or even a way to wonder about it.

I was fascinated and creeped out at the same time.  How girly of me.

But hey, there is a place for everything in this world.  And I’m fairly certain mine is just close enough to use a telephoto lens, but nothing closer.

Now I’m going to put on my ironed skirt and, as my grandmother advised me yesterday, “just be my happy self.”  Even if I have to fake it.

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If there’s anything I’ve learned to be thankful for, it’s that when it rains, it pours. While I know how that sounds, the point is, if all the storms happen at once, you can be certain of one thing: If you live, the sun will shine again.

I’m not sure how to say thank you enough to the people that take time to leave kind comments and send thoughtful emails to me. And not just regarding the posts where I’m emotional and a little lost, but also those where I’m looking for some motivating music or, you know, free medical advice. It continually amazes me that a) I’ve been fortunate enough to get some kind of grasp on the Internet at all, and b) that I seemed to have crossed paths with some of the coolest, kindest people alive. I say that without any sarcasm at all. The time I spend reading your thoughts and interacting with people in this strange, mysterious connection is one of the reasons I know what good is.

I’m constantly reminded that though my world may seem very small and definitive (though not often understandable), there is someone out there that has better, wiser insight than I. There is a girl who has had that awkward ex run-in, there’s a guy that can give me a hard time about being so inept with a bike tire. I appreciate all of it.

A lot of that hit me today, when I was turned down for a promotion that I didn’t even want. I felt obligated to go for it, though, and dang if that won’t come back to bite you every time. If I may state the obvious: Do not do something just because it is expected. The lack of your heart being in the game will always show through. And so I admit that fault, I hope the lesson is learned, and I was reminded that yeah, everyone goes through those moments. It sure made for a nice second dose of crap in an already rough run of kicks to the gut, but I can somehow already feel myself moving on. For that, I know to consider myself lucky.

I know better than to predict anything, but I’d say my odds for this streak ending now (at least for now) are pretty good. I’ll be off for a while, and—this part will really come as a shock—there is a beach in my very near future. Life, storms and all, is good. Of course, I mean this all in a relative way. I’m aware there are people who’d consider my life a walk in the park, mostly because it is. But I’m still learning that.

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