I didn’t really know who I was, physically, in college. I mean, I didn’t really know who I was for the most part in college, but as an exerciser (person who exercises?), I knew even less. I knew I liked it, but that’s about it. While not sedentary, I wasn’t a super star athlete in high school, and mostly I just really liked doing something. I liked moving. I also had no motivation from my body as, you know, I didn’t eat to remain or not remain a certain way. I didn’t think about it in the same way. (Don’t worry, I still found plenty of time to say mean things to myself about my body, things it would take me years to overcome, I just didn’t so much connect that to Big Macs, is what I’m saying.)

I did physical exercise for fun. And that kind of continued in college, in a less organized way. I went to lots of aerobics classes (shut up, step aerobics was huge in ‘99, people), and I’d go for a sporadic run every now and then. I liked doing stuff. It wasn’t until I was out of college until I figured out how much I needed it. Which is when I started running. I was twenty-two years old.

Last month, February, which marked itself with several other events that don’t need to be revisited, was also the ten year anniversary of when I started regularly running. It was my Runniversary.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m only 32 (eye roll), but having committed to something and it making me both continually happy and crazy and thrilled and grateful for the course of a decade seems pretty huge. There are few other things in life I’ve loved this long, and suffice it to say no other things that are not living things, that I have found such a home in. It feels really good to celebrate that, if only in my heart.

Today, the first week of March, it is 65F degrees here in Colorado. I went out for a run before a noon yoga class and took some time to think about what the last ten years have been like, and how this one constant thing I do all on my own has brought me so much. Friends, travel, relationships, solace, peace, worn out treadmill belts, love, frustration, time, pain, joy, fun– it has all been there, wrapped up in countless pairs of shoes and miles I’ve never really been good at keeping track of. I have done short races, some longer races, relays and been on teams. I have medals and photos and more wonderful memories than I deserve. I have not only called myself a runner but have been doing it long enough to be able to realize what an incredible gift that is.

It has been a good ten years and I am so grateful. I hope I get ten more.

Oh my gosh, I am such a backslider right now. Backslider? That is a word you can use in place of hypocrite because hypocrite just sounds so… harsh. And I made a decision a long time ago to not be harsh with myself. So, backslider. Because yesterday, on the first day of the year, some things just hit me. Hard. And I guess that is life… because I baited it all by saying I really had nothing to resolve myself to do on January 1, 2012.

Then my neighbor let her dog poop in my yard, right in front of me.

I got angry. I really did. Not at the dog, of course, but at my neighbor. And I scowled, and complained loudly and slightly maniacally to my mother whom I was on the phone with at the time. Which is when it hit me, that maybe I shouldn’t be getting so angry on the first day of the year about poop, of all things. Over the last year it has been increasingly important to me that I try to have love and compassion for all people, not just the ones who make it easy, or the ones I’m related to. All people. I strongly feel this pull, like I would confidently bet most humans do, to love my neighbor. I know this is the right thing in my heart, truly. I know that our worth is wholly equal, no matter what. But like many others, it is a challenge for me. And here I was, on Day One of 2012, SO VERY MUCH NOT loving my neighbor.

And, yes, many times I have had the thought and then been able to move on from it. But not yesterday, yesterday it haunted me and when something like that haunts you long enough, experience tells me it is for a reason. So, first things first 2012: Love Thy Neighbor. Like, the difficult ones especially. Because I know I’ve made it difficult for others to love me, often.

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I’ve been practicing yoga routinely for several years now. I am better for it, of this I am certain. It challenges me, physically and mentally, which is good, but also… hard. And one of the hardest poses of all of yoga for me comes at the end of a practice session, when it’s time to do nothing. Savasana is the name of the pose, and all it means is lying on your back, eyes closed, and being in the moment. Over the last few months it has become harder and harder for me to take that time. I am already thinking about where I have to be, or whether I will get a shower before everyone else crowds the locker room, or a million other things that really don’t matter, and in which a few more minutes won’t make a difference.

So Saturday, on the last day of the year, I decided I would start taking that time. That it was not only part of the class itself, but that it would lend intention to other parts of my life. Often times I find myself only taking time to be still when I have already gotten to the point of being overwhelmed. I’m not so cool with that. So on Saturday I lie there for a full 11 minutes (it turned out), eyes closed, pushing away the worry of what was going on around me. And you know what? Everything was fine. Better, even. So, I will Be Still in 2012. Ahead of time and on purpose.

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Also, yesterday, somewhere between being with family (and being unexpectedly hurt by one family member) and coming home to do laundry and clean the house, I noticed that I was attempting to escape from those feelings of disappointment and, just, blah by imagining something different for the future. While there is nothing wrong with imagining a future, of course, I don’t really think it should be used as a way to not deal with the now. And life has kindly spoiled me in this way, too, as it does just keep getting better and better so why wouldn’t I escape to the dreams of what’s to come? It’s fulfilled me beyond my expectations in so many ways so far.

But it also hit me that even if this is all there is, even if these moments now are as good as life will ever get, I have so much to be grateful for. I want to live and love right now as if this right here is totally enough. Because it is, more than. So now I have the intention to start acting like it. Even if I know the odds, even though I know life does get richer and more rewarding (and harder, amirite?), I won’t forsake what I’ve got right now. I will be grateful as if this here, right now, is the best life.

Here’s to 2012! Thanks for being here with me as I backslide a little, but mostly move forward.

…to say hello, actually. Not goodbye. (Any Mickey Mouse Clubbers out there?) Because we’re getting ready around these parts. For company, family, friends. For cooking and more baking and gift wrapping like it’s my job, grateful procrastinator that I am.

But I’m not ready to sign off just yet. Not without first saying THANK YOU!  Thank you to everyone who read, commented, and/or sent emails in support of my recent posts on weight and body image. You have reminded me that if you feel the need to share something, to say it, that no matter the scale or who you may or not reach, you should always share. I’m reminded that I do know what’s good, and that I should always trust that feeling that says “share this.”

Which brings me to this: there are things we should always do, right?  As there are things we should never do.  A great blogging friend of mine, Barb, mentioned this recently, and I responded on her post with my Always and Nevers:

Always: Listen more than you talk; Go outside if it’s a sunny day; Play with the dog even if you’re tired.

Never: Apologize for eating dessert; Believe people have enough time to think about your faults; Get completely comfortable.

And now I’d add, always be grateful for the progress of the world of technology that has allowed for social interaction with people I likely never would’ve met otherwise; Internet friends.

Do you have any Always and Nevers? I’d love to read them!

And from my house to yours, I hope you have the happiest, most blessed of Christmases, or Saturdays as your case may be.

Thanks for all the sweet comments and support on my gratitude lists.  As the airlines say, I know you have a choice in which Gratitude posts to read this time of year, and I sincerely thank you for choosing mine.

23. My Internet friends. This blog, Twitter, Facebook, and a few old timey message boards back in the day have brought me more friendship, camaraderie, fun, and support than any one person probably deserves.  Although I like leaving my house, and I’m totally for discovering people the traditional ways, I have no doubt in my mind my life wouldn’t be near what it is without the people I’ve met cyberly (yes, in fact, it is a word).  Remember when all our mamas were skeptical told us no “normal” people were on the Internet?  Thank the good Lord mama wasn’t right about that one thing, and bless her for thinking any of us were normal to begin with.

24. My family. I cannot say enough how lucky I feel to have a family that loves and cares for one another, and actually likes to be around each other.  I’m grateful every day that my family is not an obligation, but an asset. 24.b. My friends.  I somehow do something right.

25. The future. I know it’s good.

17:  Someone I love is quitting smoking. Well, has quit smoking, but we say quitting because it’s a process, a journey, like anything else we attempt to change. So, they are quitting.  I know that phrase can sound archaic to some. I mean, who smokes anymore, right?  Not me, not many people I know, that’s for sure.  But someone I love does smoke, and they’re quitting and it means more to me than I can put into words.

18: Starbucks gift cards.  I know, seems shallow… and yet! Yet! So wonderful. Especially when the high temperature of the day is 35F.

19: I can give to others. I can’t do anything incredible, not really in the Life Changing category, but I give where ever and whenever I can, and I generally consider a day wasted if I haven’t contributed to someone’s happiness in some way. Quite often it doesn’t take much, and quite often those are the things we should be giving most of all!

20: Running. I know I haven’t mentioned it a lot lately, but I’m still a runner. Yep, still. It’s just nowadays I do it whenever and however I want. When the mood strikes, when the day looks too good not to. And for right now, it is perfect.

21: Quiet mornings. I’ve always been an early riser.  Up when it’s still dark, quiet enough to hear a pin drop. It’s in those moments when I feel the most peaceful, the most inspired, and the most hopeful for what the day holds.  Sometimes, if I can manage, I’ll go to bed early just so I can wake up and experience those first few moments of the morning.

22: I am going to be an aunt… again!  My little sister, mother of my incredible nephew, and her husband are expecting a baby. So far she has had a great, healthy pregnancy and I pray daily, if not more, that it continues that way. A healthy child is a miracle.

12: I sold some furniture. For actual money. On Craigslist. To seemingly very nice people. And did not get attacked, murdered, robbed, etc. At least not so far.  That’s something to be grateful for, I think, considering the many warnings and sideways glances I received when I mentioned doing this, not to mention my own fears. Which, trust me, are boundless. Nonetheless, here I stand in an empty living room, a little richer.

13. Relieved to find that yes, I can still start a fire by myself.  I had the rare opportunity of staying in on a very cold November Saturday, and had the first fireplace fire of the season. It was good.

14. Christmas music on the radio. I know, it’s still mid-November. I know. But for some reason, this year, I am so totally into it, you guys.  We have a local station that’s already playing it 24/7 and I love it!

15. A painted dining room and kitchen. I know, I KNOW I still owe some photos on this blog of progress, but my goodness it is just difficult to photograph what has been done around  all the things I’ve yet to do.  But, yesterday I finished painting and, people, that felt huge to me.  The only things left in the kitchen are small (yet all too noticeable in photos) and I have a great sense of relief.  And a bonus piece of gratitude: So far I have stuck to my Renovate Your House on Seventeen Dollars* budget.  Ain’t it great… ful?  Heh.

16. I have a few actual things to write about. I feel actual paragraphs forming in my head.  This has not so much been the case lately, so I’m grateful.  And to all dozen or so of you that visit here, well I know you must be just as thrilled.

Gratitude, mostly in pictures.

7: Recent travel with friends

Thank you, veterans, for your sacrifice.

In the last forty-eight hours, three friends of mine have brought three healthy babies into the world.  I tell you, say what you will about modern communication, but the fact that I can open an application on my phone and see photos of three brand new little lives all within the span of two days is incredible.  What’s more incredible is that these little ones (two girls, one boy) are all healthy and were born to really great people who were amazing people before they had kids, and who I know will only grow more so as parents.

In some of the volunteer work I do, I see many children who aren’t as fortunate, who don’t have the miracle of health or the blessing of loving, capable parents. While I’m proud of any work I can do to help those kids, it’s not lost on me how truly precious the opposite scenario is. I’m so very grateful these loving, capable people have become parents, and I’m so grateful they are my friends.

Sometimes it’s witnessing the good situations that motivates me. Every child deserves that.

I’m grateful for home improvements.  Well, I’m grateful I’m able to do home improvements. Also, I am grateful that I can repeat this phrase to myself over and over again until I remove myself from the place that says OMGICANNOTSTANDANOTHERSECONDATHOMEDEPOT!&%$! and to a place that says, yes, I think beadboard is a fine substitute for my indecision on tile.

Sometimes, you see a vision of something in your mind and then the final product really looks nothing like that vision except that you realize that it’s some how better/more appropriate for the time. Wait, not sometimes. That’s pretty much all the time.  And that’s pretty much the rule of working on your house, I’ve learned.

Along with that very important rule, there is also this: Everything will take longer, become more difficult, and be more expensive than you originally planned. And yet, when it all does come together you can breathe a sigh of relief, and that may just be the best result of the entire investment.

I’m not necessarily good at home improvement, but I’m grateful for it anyway.

As obvious as it is to say, as cliche as it may be, I am grateful for the right to vote. And moreover, I’m grateful that I care about it. That I’m an informed person, who educates herself enough to make a decision and feel like it’s the right decision.  Voting wasn’t always like that for me– I knew less, I understood less.

I understand more now, and I’m grateful for that.