Oh my gosh, I am such a backslider right now. Backslider? That is a word you can use in place of hypocrite because hypocrite just sounds so… harsh. And I made a decision a long time ago to not be harsh with myself. So, backslider. Because yesterday, on the first day of the year, some things just hit me. Hard. And I guess that is life… because I baited it all by saying I really had nothing to resolve myself to do on January 1, 2012.

Then my neighbor let her dog poop in my yard, right in front of me.

I got angry. I really did. Not at the dog, of course, but at my neighbor. And I scowled, and complained loudly and slightly maniacally to my mother whom I was on the phone with at the time. Which is when it hit me, that maybe I shouldn’t be getting so angry on the first day of the year about poop, of all things. Over the last year it has been increasingly important to me that I try to have love and compassion for all people, not just the ones who make it easy, or the ones I’m related to. All people. I strongly feel this pull, like I would confidently bet most humans do, to love my neighbor. I know this is the right thing in my heart, truly. I know that our worth is wholly equal, no matter what. But like many others, it is a challenge for me. And here I was, on Day One of 2012, SO VERY MUCH NOT loving my neighbor.

And, yes, many times I have had the thought and then been able to move on from it. But not yesterday, yesterday it haunted me and when something like that haunts you long enough, experience tells me it is for a reason. So, first things first 2012: Love Thy Neighbor. Like, the difficult ones especially. Because I know I’ve made it difficult for others to love me, often.

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I’ve been practicing yoga routinely for several years now. I am better for it, of this I am certain. It challenges me, physically and mentally, which is good, but also… hard. And one of the hardest poses of all of yoga for me comes at the end of a practice session, when it’s time to do nothing. Savasana is the name of the pose, and all it means is lying on your back, eyes closed, and being in the moment. Over the last few months it has become harder and harder for me to take that time. I am already thinking about where I have to be, or whether I will get a shower before everyone else crowds the locker room, or a million other things that really don’t matter, and in which a few more minutes won’t make a difference.

So Saturday, on the last day of the year, I decided I would start taking that time. That it was not only part of the class itself, but that it would lend intention to other parts of my life. Often times I find myself only taking time to be still when I have already gotten to the point of being overwhelmed. I’m not so cool with that. So on Saturday I lie there for a full 11 minutes (it turned out), eyes closed, pushing away the worry of what was going on around me. And you know what? Everything was fine. Better, even. So, I will Be Still in 2012. Ahead of time and on purpose.

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Also, yesterday, somewhere between being with family (and being unexpectedly hurt by one family member) and coming home to do laundry and clean the house, I noticed that I was attempting to escape from those feelings of disappointment and, just, blah by imagining something different for the future. While there is nothing wrong with imagining a future, of course, I don’t really think it should be used as a way to not deal with the now. And life has kindly spoiled me in this way, too, as it does just keep getting better and better so why wouldn’t I escape to the dreams of what’s to come? It’s fulfilled me beyond my expectations in so many ways so far.

But it also hit me that even if this is all there is, even if these moments now are as good as life will ever get, I have so much to be grateful for. I want to live and love right now as if this right here is totally enough. Because it is, more than. So now I have the intention to start acting like it. Even if I know the odds, even though I know life does get richer and more rewarding (and harder, amirite?), I won’t forsake what I’ve got right now. I will be grateful as if this here, right now, is the best life.

Here’s to 2012! Thanks for being here with me as I backslide a little, but mostly move forward.

…to say hello, actually. Not goodbye. (Any Mickey Mouse Clubbers out there?) Because we’re getting ready around these parts. For company, family, friends. For cooking and more baking and gift wrapping like it’s my job, grateful procrastinator that I am.

But I’m not ready to sign off just yet. Not without first saying THANK YOU!  Thank you to everyone who read, commented, and/or sent emails in support of my recent posts on weight and body image. You have reminded me that if you feel the need to share something, to say it, that no matter the scale or who you may or not reach, you should always share. I’m reminded that I do know what’s good, and that I should always trust that feeling that says “share this.”

Which brings me to this: there are things we should always do, right?  As there are things we should never do.  A great blogging friend of mine, Barb, mentioned this recently, and I responded on her post with my Always and Nevers:

Always: Listen more than you talk; Go outside if it’s a sunny day; Play with the dog even if you’re tired.

Never: Apologize for eating dessert; Believe people have enough time to think about your faults; Get completely comfortable.

And now I’d add, always be grateful for the progress of the world of technology that has allowed for social interaction with people I likely never would’ve met otherwise; Internet friends.

Do you have any Always and Nevers? I’d love to read them!

And from my house to yours, I hope you have the happiest, most blessed of Christmases, or Saturdays as your case may be.

Thanks for all the sweet comments and support on my gratitude lists.  As the airlines say, I know you have a choice in which Gratitude posts to read this time of year, and I sincerely thank you for choosing mine.

23. My Internet friends. This blog, Twitter, Facebook, and a few old timey message boards back in the day have brought me more friendship, camaraderie, fun, and support than any one person probably deserves.  Although I like leaving my house, and I’m totally for discovering people the traditional ways, I have no doubt in my mind my life wouldn’t be near what it is without the people I’ve met cyberly (yes, in fact, it is a word).  Remember when all our mamas were skeptical told us no “normal” people were on the Internet?  Thank the good Lord mama wasn’t right about that one thing, and bless her for thinking any of us were normal to begin with.

24. My family. I cannot say enough how lucky I feel to have a family that loves and cares for one another, and actually likes to be around each other.  I’m grateful every day that my family is not an obligation, but an asset. 24.b. My friends.  I somehow do something right.

25. The future. I know it’s good.

17:  Someone I love is quitting smoking. Well, has quit smoking, but we say quitting because it’s a process, a journey, like anything else we attempt to change. So, they are quitting.  I know that phrase can sound archaic to some. I mean, who smokes anymore, right?  Not me, not many people I know, that’s for sure.  But someone I love does smoke, and they’re quitting and it means more to me than I can put into words.

18: Starbucks gift cards.  I know, seems shallow… and yet! Yet! So wonderful. Especially when the high temperature of the day is 35F.

19: I can give to others. I can’t do anything incredible, not really in the Life Changing category, but I give where ever and whenever I can, and I generally consider a day wasted if I haven’t contributed to someone’s happiness in some way. Quite often it doesn’t take much, and quite often those are the things we should be giving most of all!

20: Running. I know I haven’t mentioned it a lot lately, but I’m still a runner. Yep, still. It’s just nowadays I do it whenever and however I want. When the mood strikes, when the day looks too good not to. And for right now, it is perfect.

21: Quiet mornings. I’ve always been an early riser.  Up when it’s still dark, quiet enough to hear a pin drop. It’s in those moments when I feel the most peaceful, the most inspired, and the most hopeful for what the day holds.  Sometimes, if I can manage, I’ll go to bed early just so I can wake up and experience those first few moments of the morning.

22: I am going to be an aunt… again!  My little sister, mother of my incredible nephew, and her husband are expecting a baby. So far she has had a great, healthy pregnancy and I pray daily, if not more, that it continues that way. A healthy child is a miracle.

12: I sold some furniture. For actual money. On Craigslist. To seemingly very nice people. And did not get attacked, murdered, robbed, etc. At least not so far.  That’s something to be grateful for, I think, considering the many warnings and sideways glances I received when I mentioned doing this, not to mention my own fears. Which, trust me, are boundless. Nonetheless, here I stand in an empty living room, a little richer.

13. Relieved to find that yes, I can still start a fire by myself.  I had the rare opportunity of staying in on a very cold November Saturday, and had the first fireplace fire of the season. It was good.

14. Christmas music on the radio. I know, it’s still mid-November. I know. But for some reason, this year, I am so totally into it, you guys.  We have a local station that’s already playing it 24/7 and I love it!

15. A painted dining room and kitchen. I know, I KNOW I still owe some photos on this blog of progress, but my goodness it is just difficult to photograph what has been done around  all the things I’ve yet to do.  But, yesterday I finished painting and, people, that felt huge to me.  The only things left in the kitchen are small (yet all too noticeable in photos) and I have a great sense of relief.  And a bonus piece of gratitude: So far I have stuck to my Renovate Your House on Seventeen Dollars* budget.  Ain’t it great… ful?  Heh.

16. I have a few actual things to write about. I feel actual paragraphs forming in my head.  This has not so much been the case lately, so I’m grateful.  And to all dozen or so of you that visit here, well I know you must be just as thrilled.

Gratitude, mostly in pictures.

7: Recent travel with friends

Thank you, veterans, for your sacrifice.

In the last forty-eight hours, three friends of mine have brought three healthy babies into the world.  I tell you, say what you will about modern communication, but the fact that I can open an application on my phone and see photos of three brand new little lives all within the span of two days is incredible.  What’s more incredible is that these little ones (two girls, one boy) are all healthy and were born to really great people who were amazing people before they had kids, and who I know will only grow more so as parents.

In some of the volunteer work I do, I see many children who aren’t as fortunate, who don’t have the miracle of health or the blessing of loving, capable parents. While I’m proud of any work I can do to help those kids, it’s not lost on me how truly precious the opposite scenario is. I’m so very grateful these loving, capable people have become parents, and I’m so grateful they are my friends.

Sometimes it’s witnessing the good situations that motivates me. Every child deserves that.

I’m grateful for home improvements.  Well, I’m grateful I’m able to do home improvements. Also, I am grateful that I can repeat this phrase to myself over and over again until I remove myself from the place that says OMGICANNOTSTANDANOTHERSECONDATHOMEDEPOT!&%$! and to a place that says, yes, I think beadboard is a fine substitute for my indecision on tile.

Sometimes, you see a vision of something in your mind and then the final product really looks nothing like that vision except that you realize that it’s some how better/more appropriate for the time. Wait, not sometimes. That’s pretty much all the time.  And that’s pretty much the rule of working on your house, I’ve learned.

Along with that very important rule, there is also this: Everything will take longer, become more difficult, and be more expensive than you originally planned. And yet, when it all does come together you can breathe a sigh of relief, and that may just be the best result of the entire investment.

I’m not necessarily good at home improvement, but I’m grateful for it anyway.

As obvious as it is to say, as cliche as it may be, I am grateful for the right to vote. And moreover, I’m grateful that I care about it. That I’m an informed person, who educates herself enough to make a decision and feel like it’s the right decision.  Voting wasn’t always like that for me– I knew less, I understood less.

I understand more now, and I’m grateful for that.

I am simply amazed with people, once again.  Between Internet community and the people in my life I am just overcome with how much good there is in this world.  The past 24 hours has been a whirlwind of airline travel, airports (do other people call it “Scareport” or is that just me?), happenchance meetings, showing up as a surprise guest in a land far away, and, well, lots of good food and drink, I just cannot help but feel exceptionally blessed.  Which is such a difficult yet fortunate feeling to have right now, in a time when my heart is hurting so badly for situations that render most of us helpless, save for our generosity.

Just one example of that is my last post. As of that post —along with all those other wonderful bloggers— two days ago, thousands of dollars have been raised for the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation in the name of Brandy and her guy.

Check it out: http://www.loveharder.org/

I know there are so, so many ways this world is weighing on our hearts right now, and so many people that need help, so thank you so much to anyone who was able to give, participate, or send up a prayer. I don’t know if you’re the praying type, but I am, and that has been a lot of what’s keeping me busy these days. It really and truly means a lot. Thank you, each and every one of you who took time out of their day to read those posts, watch that video.

A lot of times, we find ourselves too busy to be people that look for causes. That is common. I understand. But sometimes, you guys, causes find us, and I think there’s a reason for that. I really, really do.

My uncle Joe used to use a phrase all the time that I just hated. I didn’t understand it, it sounded weird. My naive, childish self didn’t like it.  “My heart swells,” he’d say, in reaction to something beautiful or amazing.  I didn’t make sense to me then, and while my uncle Joe is still pretty weird (hi, Uncle Joe!), it makes complete sense to me now.

And every time I go back and watch that video, I’m reminded of what the power of a few people that care can really do in this world. My heart swells.

I watch it and I think of how uncomfortable I am on camera, how my voice combined with my mannerisms ON CAMERA is in the Top Five Things I Do Not Like About Life, but nonetheless, it was so worth it.  And, as you might have noticed if you watched, I appeared with my three-year-old nephew, Ivan, so as to distract most viewers with an adorable kid. I think it worked, mostly.

This wasn’t without it’s bribery and multiple takes, however. Come on, he’s three. Singing a song he’s never heard before, with me, on camera, on cue…. well, let’s just say it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy for either of us, actually.

Here’s an outtake from the SEVERAL takes we had.  I call this:

I Don’t Sing No Friggin’ Love Songs

(Also, I apparently still have not learned how to take a cue.  Forgive how absolutely stupid I can look, and without even trying.)

Ivan and Me singing, 2 from Lesley G on Vimeo.

Oh, so dumb.  But still, my heart swells.