I can breathe today. Which is a massive improvement over yesterday, FYI.  I know writing about being sick on your blog is akin to writing about the amazing turkey sandwich you had for lunch, but I cannot seem to get around it. I’m sneezing every 48 seconds, and every time that happens I forget what I was doing. It’s a real problem when it happens in the bathroom, just so you know.

This also marks the THIRD time I’ve picked up some kind of virus in 2010 alone. For someone who has never had a legitimate sick day in her life, that’s wrong. I don’t get sick. But apparently being home and out of a disgusting office with ancient air circulating is good for everyone but me. I’m lucky that way.

Yesterday, before I felt really bad, I went to yoga. I thought maybe 90 minutes of hot, humid air would clear my head so that I could think again, so that I could do things that normal people do. At the beginning of class, the instructor generally shares something that is meant to help us with our intention during class. Yesterday, he suggested we appreciate our mental strength more than our physical strength, knowing that without that mental strength the physical would mean very little.

It makes sense, of course. Mental health is irreplaceable, and it’s the reason I could be there at all. Even with my head stuffed, feeling like it weighed 90 pounds, I could appreciate that.  And sitting here now, I’m reminded that that mental health was the reason I made the choice I did to leave that dirty, germ-filled office.  It wasn’t the germs that chased me out, of course, and obviously they’re still finding me, but it’s a good reminder that no matter what I face now, it is independent of the environment that was so bad for me.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think I left my old job at exactly the right time, at the very last moment that I could have. I knew my mental health was suffering and sticking it out was no longer an option. Not once have I looked back and thought I should have (or could have) stuck it out longer. This I know for sure.

If I had a few dollars for every time someone has told me how much better, happier, or healthier I look or act since I quit my job, I’d never have to work again. And they’re right, I am better. I am happier.  And, mostly, I am healthier.

So here’s a little story about how as soon as I restored the heat in my house (BY MYSELF) the weather here proceeded to be the nicest we’ve had all year. And that is saying a lot seeing as not six nights ago it was five degrees below zero. Except I’m not really going to tell the story about the heat or the lack thereof but instead just say that, OMG, there may be snow still ahead but there is hope for spring and that is all that matters.

Every single year, come February, I get so fed up with winter that I can barely stand myself. And then March comes and there’s some sign of hope and it’s almost as if you can smell the green in the air. Does that make sense? There’s a feeling about it. It comes over you. It makes you feel human again.

And, of course, me being me, there’s only one thing this translates to: get outside.  No longer do I have to suffer any snot-freezing, character-testing outside time. Whether I’m running or walking or hiking, it can be enjoyable. My muscles won’t reject movement. Colorado, for all it’s winter glory, is just that much better in the spring.

There’s a park not far from my house. It’s more of an open space, really, full of trails and bluffs and just general outdoors-ness. (Outdoors-ness is a technical term for “OMG I cannot believe we have this cool place right in the city!”) Being out there, sweating, makes me come alive again. No more frozen snot FTW!

I’ll usually run through this place, with friends on a summer Saturday morning, but yesterday I wanted to take more time outside, so we hiked. For two hours.  It was beautiful. I kicked myself for not having my camera, but luckily did have my phone, and so you can see what I’m talking about.

Do you see what I mean? For real.

Being on the downhill side of winter never felt so good.

I will never be that person in a room that’s constantly level-headed when everyone else is in chaos. Sure, I have my moments. I don’t panic nearly as often as I used to, I can handle an emergency (anyone’s blood but my own!*),  but I’m not built for constant. I think I’m either far too passionate or far too crazy. Some days, they are one in the same. At the same time, I still find a way to remain rational and I think that makes all the difference.

And if I had some spare cash to bet right now, I’d put it on every single one of the people who love me saying “That’s part of the reason we love you” because, thank God, those are the kind of people I’ve been born to and attracted in my life. The people that know I have those moments where I just cannot think straight, but also know that it turns out for the best in the end. Which is why the mixed yet reassuring reactions I get when I share my feelings about my current situation are both predictable and really helpful. Note to all: Crazy people like hearing what they want to hear. And I hear it a lot. I’m lucky.

Nonetheless, I have a feeling it makes very little sense to anyone, really, when I’m one day freaking out because my house is freezing and HELLO! it is still winter, and a couple days later—still with no heat, but getting there—I’m full-on into life and thinking that not only will it all work out, but it might just work out exactly how I hope, and better.

Right now, in this weird, yet totally possible, Hope/Dream Blueprint in my mind, I’m not at all near the point wherein I can share and feel okay about that. It’s fear or insecurity or something, I know, but nonetheless, I have to keep it to myself.  Also, there are now many people reading this blog who are close to me (geographically) than ever before, and if they see me on the street in this relatively small city, I am too scared of them asking “so, how’s that plan of yours working out?”  I have no where to run, and I’m okay admitting that.

What I will share is that I feel really, really strongly that even with my fear and the craziness that comes out in the freak-out moments, there have been signs and reassurances all around me that this, what I’m planning for, is right.

That rational part of me knows that there’s also a rational part of other people that wants to make sure I haven’t totally lost my mind, and to them I will say, despite my love for doing these things in the car, I have no plans of singing, dancing, or any other performance art for which I’m not gifted or qualified. Isn’t that reassuring?

Even though the future is uncertain, we can all sleep well knowing that much.

*I know it’s gross, but it’s true.

I don’t think I’ve ever driven around this city more in the last ten years than I did last week. Everyone I know, or everyone related to me either had a car in the shop, or a scheduling conflict, or needed carpool help and a kid shuttled from here to there. I never mind this sort of thing. I don’t. And the moment you say you don’t mind this sort of thing is the moment it seems like you’re complaining about it, which I’m not, but I know it’ll seem that way. Because there is no good way to say I like driving 400 miles in a week with no single trip being over 10 miles and have anyone  believe you. So, there. I’m not complaining, but it came all in one week and that was the hard part.

I am the available person right now. I get that. I mean, if I needed a ride or some help I’d certainly call the person who I know is no longer tied down to an eight-to-five office job. It makes sense. It’s just needing to be here and there and everywhere multiple times a day at certain times, and responsible for other people’s time… well, I am not good at that any more. I have fallen out of practice.

All this time, throughout these months, I’ve been doing my fair share of waiting. Sure, I’ve worked, too, and had some fun, and brainstormed— Lord, the amount of storming in my brain anymore. At the same time, though, I think I might have forgotten to just be normal in day-to-day life. I’ve been so scared of letting this state be normal, because OMG, IT CANNOT BE NORMAL. I cannot afford for this to be normal, for one thing. And so I don’t even know what I do anymore. I just pass the days, trying to be productive, knowing more about what I don’t want than what I do want, dealing with rejection, and ideas that don’t work out all the while telling myself to keep the faith.

But what if this is it? This is all there is? I made a decision that was good for ME but bad for the rest of my life, and this is what I get. This is it. I have to deal with it, because it’s totally possible that leaving what was bad had no promise of leading to what was good.  It’s totally possible that dreams are just dreams and some people are just meant to have little sparks of forward motion and are never really meant to get there, where ever there is. We can all say it’s not so, but that is how it works sometimes.

I don’t know. I enjoyed helping the people in my life. Being able to do that is a blessing. I would do all of that again. I just don’t know how it’s all supposed to be related, and I wonder if it’s not.  All I really know right now is that I have a car with an empty gas tank (don’t worry, as of now I can still afford to fill it), and a furnace that decided to stop working last night, and a house that’s roughly 58 degrees. It’s a bad time to be 58 degrees.

I thought I’d get over all the mushy feelings but then I read the comments and here I am again. Aww, Internet love. Thanks, everyone!  Never having been one to concentrate on getting people to this site (I’m not a sales person I guess) I found it so interesting reading how you got here, and if you even remembered… which helped me remember how I found some of you! And you’re right, it’s really hard to remember after a while. It’s like we’re all in a web and the paths back and fourth from blog to blog have overlapped so much you can’t see the original… wait, did I just say “we’re all in a web?”  OMG. I’ll shut up now.

So, I still have not thought of anything proper to do for my “anniversary” here but I’m getting there. I’m thinking gift package, but it’s got to be good so it’ll be a while.

On to the questions…

Barb asked: What would your superhero name be and what power would you have?

Barb always comes up with good ones. I think if I could have a superpower right now, today, it would be to only need selective sleep. I know, it’s boring, but to think that I could just sleep when I wanted to rather than when I had to would be great right now. Is that even a super power? And what kind of name would go with something like that?  Wow, I am so not good at this game.

Craig asked : When did writing become important to you and who was your biggest influence?

The true answer to this question, I suspect, is one most bloggers would say: I have always written.  I have stacks of notebooks and journals, some barely written in and others quite full, of things I just needed to say at the time. I’ve written through all the phases in my life, through happiness and sadness and everything in between.

I’d have to say I draw influence from a lot of different places. With this blog, I feel very lucky that the people I’ve found have been very diverse in age group, background, and life experience and I appreciate so much getting to draw from all of that. It’s a pretty incredible gift to me to be able to see the writing of grandparents, parents, people my age, and even those just beginning adulthood converge in such a small corner of the Internet. It reminds me that we’re more the same than we’re different.

Okay, I think I’m no longer answering that question…

The Exception asked: so what adventures and creativity do you have planned next?

This is tricky for me. What adventures and creativity do I have planned in my head? Or what adventures and creativity is reality going to allow?  I wrestle with this daily, and I know the unknown and my discomfort with it is not something that’s going to go away. So! I’ll just answer it the only way I know how, and that’s a feeling. I feel like in the coming months I’ll both find a way to expand my horizons more, and in different ways, and at the same time settle in here at home in a way I haven’t before.

Does that make any sense?  As for actual plans?  Well, I get to go to the Caribbean for another couple weeks— under the guise of “helping” no less— and that’s the only thing that’s actually on the books. Otherwise, I love and am counting on the fact that anything could change at any time. Except that Caribbean part. That can stay.

Sailing somewhere off St. John, U.S.V.I. 2007

Mike asked: What kind of photo printer do you have (assuming you have one).

Hi, Mike! Mike is new, everyone. I’ll just apologize for myself now.  And, on to your question— I don’t have a photo printer. Here’s why: First, I only print about 5% (if that) of the photos I take, and it makes me feel better to leave that to professionals.  Second, if I could have the printer I really wanted, well, it would cost a lot of money and seeing as I cannot stop going to the tropics this winter, apparently I have other priorities. But! If I were recommending one, both Canon and HP have some very high-quality yet affordable in-home print set ups.

Mel Heth asked: what’s the best run you’ve ever been on?

Oh, man, that’s a hard one. I have run in some great places, that’s for sure. I guess what I always come back to when thinking of what makes a run great is the feeling. There was one early morning run here at home a few years ago wherein I just felt awesome. It was at the Garden of the Gods and I ran with a group starting at about 6:00 in the morning. The hills there are brutal, and we ran about 11 miles total, which meant snaking through the entire park, up and down, for a couple hours. I was sweating and tired but at the same time felt unstoppable.  Any run where it’s warm weather (running in the cold is NOT for me) and I can sweat and feel the sun and yet still feel strong is special to me.  And, well, good scenery doesn’t hurt, either.

Garden of the Gods, 2007

Finally, Jacinta asks me to: Share a secret wish you might like to send out to the universe.

Oh, boy… is that the kind of question that baits me. Or tempts fate. Or something. But I guess that’s what they’re meant for, isn’t it?

Throughout the last few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Good or bad, a lot of that thinking has brought me back to myself. What should I be doing? What am I good at? Where can I be used?  The answer I’ve come back to over and over again is that I’m good at being there for other people. Not so much taking care of people, although that’s part of it, but helping. Whether it be advocating, listening, or just plain helping, that’s what I’m good at. I’ve started and completed some pretty in-depth volunteer training in the last couple months (which I’ll talk about more in another post) and that’s helped me confirm that not only do I like doing things that help other people, I am good at it.

So I guess the secret I’d like the Universe to take hold of is not so much a secret as a request to be shown how to do these things better, and how to simultaneously have the means to live come along with it.

In the meantime, I’m all for throwing things out there. And praying. And planning. And finger-crossing. I practice all varieties of hope, that’s for sure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone!  I don’t take lightly the little community I have around me here. I never, ever do. I think if you do something in your life that’s public, no matter what that thing is, no matter if your audience is ten or a million, you have an obligation to be grateful and to make at least part of the work about that audience. I always remember that, and I am very, very grateful.

And you’re right, LiLu, Phoenix from the ashes. In more ways than one.

In my last post, oh, almost two weeks ago, I said I’d like to do something special for the four year anniversary of starting this site, like maybe a new design (viola!), or some kind of giveaway. Fun ideas. And then, as a surprise to everyone, I made it disappear!

Not that that was part of the plan, it wasn’t, but we’re all back now and better than ever and in large part that is thanks to LiLu who had no idea that when I said “Hey, maybe you could help me with a new header when you have time” it really meant “The Internet is going to blow up on us. Repeatedly!” But we recovered, she worked her ever-growing nerd magic (quite beautifully), moved my blog across the country (no, really), upgraded a seriously ancient version of Wordpress, and here we are today, with some new pretty design and a header that is not only different, but randomly rotates through a few photos every time the page loads. Woohoo.

I also have to say, I’m a little overwhelmed with all of the emails and tweets I got asking where the blog was. Really, I had no idea so many people would be concerned– it was really touching. I’m not a person that looks at statistics—I remember to do it about twice a year— so I’m really thankful for the reminder of all the people I get to communicate with through this site. I missed you, too! Gag. But! Internet, I still love you a lot!

And I really had no idea how many of you visit here every week. It makes me nervous what you could be thinking about, what you know about me, where you are, where you’re from… there are just so many questions. You have them, I have them, so while I think of a real way to “celebrate” the rebirth of this blog, let’s have a Q & A.  Ask me anything! I’ll answer as best I can!

But one more thing: I get to ask you something, too. I found some of you just this month, and others years ago. Some I remember very clearly, I remember you before you were out of college, before you were married, before you had children. I remember you when you started running, when you survived cancer, when your sweet dog died, and your reaction to the Super Bowl. I remember you four boyfriends, three states, and two jobs ago. I’m sure some of you remember me that way, too.

In the comments, if you’d indulge me for just a second, can you tell me how you got here? If you remember how you found this site, I’m curious.

Then, ask me anything!

Last month marked my fourth anniversary for this site, and I would have celebrated somehow but I was busy traveling between some of the most extreme conditions imagineable throughout the month of January.

For instance, Iowa:

In Iowa I helped on the farm. You know, with the hay and the animals:

It was so cold and snowy. Also? It was so cold.

And by “helped on the farm” I mean was driven around in a warm car and looked at pretty farm scenes with animals. And then we went to lunch.

Later in the month, I got to warm up a little, as I’m sure you might remember. There was no farm, and no animals.

Well, that’s not entirely true. There are some animals.

And they, if possible, moved slower than me.

So what I’m really saying is that January went really fast, and, well, February is, too and if I don’t hurry up and find something to do to celebrate that four years we’ll be at five years.

Which is where I must ask you, Internet, what should I do to celebrate? Write a revealing post?  Give something away? Redesign the blog a little? (This may just be already in progress.) Maybe go for a midnight run and take pictures? I don’t know, help me!

I’m being simple-minded here, I’m sure. I know. It’s just that I’ve had this cold and you would not believe the amount of…. nevermind,  it wasn’t okay to share more than that four years ago and it’s still not okay now. But my head is clouded, and I need help.

Now here’s a pretty beach:

Thank you, and The End.

Yesterday, for the first time since probably the beginning of the year, I felt like running here at home. I ran once, about a whole 1.5 miles, on my trip last month and it reignited that feeling in me, that feeling of actually wanting to run just for the sake of running. And then, yesterday, I felt it again. It was kind of awesome. Now, thanks to being largely uninspired for the last several months, my endurance has suffered. So, I run a couple miles right now and it feels like enough. But some day soon, when the weather warms and I can imagine being outside for more than ten minutes, that mileage will be longer. I hope.

I know just about everything I write these days leads back to one thing, my currently unemployed life, but I cannot seem to find a normal state wherein I talk about puppies and the weather right now. Instead, it’s always an extreme of either ohh, life is good! Look at me, enjoying the moment! or OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, I’m going to be living under a bridge soon! There is rarely an in-between time when I feel like I can think about, oh, I don’t know, THE FUTURE. Instead it’s all right now, right here, survival. Okay, survival is dramatic. Maybe it’s more about just getting by.

This is a funny feeling, though. One I didn’t expect. Instead of being in a bad situation, in a place in my life and career where I couldn’t think about the future due to one set of constraints, now I’m in a good place, a more free place, and yet, I still cannot get past the next couple months. I can’t plan for the fall, because I have no idea what I’ll be doing then, where I’ll be, if I’ll be getting by.

You could argue that none of us knows the answers to things like this, and you’d be right. We don’t. But the added insecurity caused by turning your life upside down takes that one step further, and so I guess I’ve learned once again that moving on to better doesn’t necessarily guarantee any degree of certainty.

Which is why when I felt like running yesterday, and then when I ran, it felt so good. Not only did I think “yes, this is good. This is how running is supposed to feel,” but it helped me remember that in time, the bigger, more pressing things in life can feel that way, too.  One day, probably sooner than later, I’ll be able to see more than two miles into the future.